This year is a blank canvas.

 There are no limits for your daughter this year.

There is nothing holding her back from growing and learning.

There is nothing stopping her from challenging herself and learning new skills that will carry her through life.

This year at school, whether she is 5 or 15 or 35, this year there are no limits.

Having been both, I do not know which is more difficult: being a teen or being a parent. I have not yet parented a teen, so perhaps I can’t answer that one quite yet. During the years I was a teen, we lived in a very small town. My parents were good parents, but their parenting got in the way of me being a teenager. I distinctly remember my feelings towards my parents when I was a teen, specifically the year I was 15 years old. That was the year I became a pain in the ass.  That was the year my dad tried to sell me to my uncle. That was the same year my mom gave me a little gift, for what I cannot remember, of a little figurine mouse eating chocolate candies. I opened the box, took one look at it, and screamed/hissed/breathed fire, “SO YOU THINK I’M FAT!?” and then burst into tears and didn’t talk to her for two weeks. Did I mention my uncle declined my dad’s offer? No hard feelings.

We all know how hard parenting is. The job of gestating, birthing, caring for, and raising small human beings into big human beings with as little collateral damage as possible. I’m four years into it and it is definitely the craziest and most difficult thing I’ve ever done. But I know I’m doing it well. Well, let me clarify – I have zero idea when or how or if you are supposed to give a child an allowance, I do not know the lyrics to childrens’ songs, and my oldest child hasn’t eaten a single vegetable since she was seven months old. That’s just the little stuff, really.

The big stuff? I’m really good at….explaining death and compassion and tolerance for diversity and self worth and honesty and healthy living. I have kids that ask lots of questions. Lots of questions. And I give them answers that respect their intelligence and help shape them into big human beings. Of course, you don’t to wait for your child to become a teen to teach them to be strong in their heart.

Watch as a new member of Girl Gang explains:

On Monday nights’ HUGE, we saw some not great parenting and we saw how difficult it is to be a teen. We saw parents who fight all the time and file for divorce, parents who pay their teen money for losing weight and “being a good girl”, teens who lie to their parents about whom they are dating to gain acceptance, teens who have to become the parent because their own parent is incapable of being an emotionally mature grown up. We saw parents who don’t really know their kids or how to talk to them or how to accept them for who they are. We saw the pain that teens can feel when they aren’t accepted by their parents – like when they receive a box at weight loss camp with a sweatshirt inside that is two sizes too small and a note saying “Can’t wait to see you in this”.

Although I haven’t parented a teen, I can imagine I’d have a rough go of it if I try to fit my teen into a box. It is not up to the parent to define to their child who they will be. The parent is there to set rules and boundaries for safety and provide a listening ear and guidance. I think it would be much easier to watch and enjoy as your child fits into our world, as opposed to fitting them inside a box.

Somewhere along the way, the most important lesson is to teach a child is to love themself. To be strong in their heart. That way, no matter what comes at them, they have a strength inside of them that will carry them through. Our teens go through a lot these days. Their world moves pretty fast. If we teach them to be strong in their hearts, the world we send them into will seem that much more manageable. If we teach them to be strong in their hearts, the world is theirs for the taking.

That’s why Stripper Barbie came with me to meet with Rep. Tammy Baldwin (D -WI), co-sponsor of The Healthy Media for Youth Act (H. R. 4925). You’ll notice, in the lower right hand corner of Stripper Barbie’s box, it says ”Ages 3+”. I thought Stripper Barbie provided an excellent visual aid for the kind of sexualization that goes on during the preschool years.  

You’ve read about the 4925 legislation here, when I went to Washington DC this past spring and met with memebers of Rep. Baldwin’s staff to ask for inclusion of little girls in the wording of HR 4925. Stripper Barbie is the kind of media preschool aged girls see, and right now there aren’t many groups specifically advocating for preschool aged girls and their familes and their right to healthy media and products. In my opinion, image after image after image of Barbie, Tinkerbell, the Disney Princesses, and Moxie/Bratz dolls are just as harmful to a tot as the constant viewing of photoshopped images of models in magazine are to a teen girl. Both examples reflect a fake perfection to being female. We have to know that if it is affecting our older girls, it is affecting our little girls, too.  Preschool girls are too tiny to be involved with amazing organizations like Girl Scouts, Girls Inc, or Girls Leadership Institute. These pint size girls are too young for that kind of outreach, yet are marketed to relentlessly, and have precious few examples of anything outside of the beauty myth disguised as toys offering fashion, beauty, shopping, makeup, pop stardom, etc.  

There is a lot of focus right now on tween and teen girls, the images they see in magazines and the media, and how it harms their developing sense of self and worth and body image. That is all VERY important and relevant and cause for concern because much of the advertisting and media out there is junk. Older girls are bombarded with a sexualized, false version of womanhood that skews their development into healthy, balanced young women. There is immense pressure on girls regarding their appearance and body size.  

My little four year old girl doesn’t watch television commercials or read fashion magazines. She doesn’t know the words “diet” or “sexy” or “boyfriend”. My husband and I have worked hard at making sure our daughter is four going on five, instead of four going on seventeen. Yet try as we might, when we go shopping we come across toys and clothes and accessories that carry messages that have no business in a child’s world and twist the meaning of “girl”. Like a plastic doll with heavy makeup and impossible body porportions dressed like a prostitute. “Miss Sassy” is not something  I would ever hand to my daughter.  

I asked for the meeting with Rep. Baldwin so that we could talk about the sexualization that affects very young boys and girls, how it affects both genders as to their own identities and how they view each other. We discussed that kids are being introduced to manufactured ideals of feminimity/masculinity and sexuality at ages that should be criminal. For girls, it begins at birth. And it is relentless.  

What I stressed most to Rep. Baldwin is that 4925 needs to include the support and promote outreach to preschool families and their girls who are being sexualized from infancy. If we can train families to raise their girls the right way, programs that help girls to grow, like the Girl Scouts, will be that much more successful. We discussed a movement I would like to see (and will be helping to create in the coming months) led by older girls on behalf of themselves and their little sisters. A mini-suffragette movement of sorts, teaching empowerment and media literacy to each other. Raising an entire nation of strong, confident girls. (insert happy, happy sigh) 

We also discussed the notion that small, parent-owned businesses like Pigtail Pals that offer healthier products for girls needs help with funding and PR to have a fighting chance against giants like Mattel and MGA Entertainment (who give us Barbie and Moxie Girls and Monster High). We discussed education programs (like the one I am starting this fall) reaching parents and caregivers of kids ages 0-5 years.  

Here are the notes I left with Rep. Baldwin, and what I wanted her to take away from our conversation:  

• Media Literacy efforts and girl empowerment initiatives need to begin for parents and girls at a preschool level.
• Media Literacy efforts and girl empowerment initiatives should be made available to girls who are preliterate and therefore most vulnerable to sexualized imagery. Images and pictures are a child’s first language.
• Young children’s toys and media characters need to fit within guidelines that limit the violence and sexual stereotypes and sexual content conveyed to the young consumers who use them.
• Groups, like Pigtail Pals, that serve girls before they reach the ages of school and extracurricular programs like Girls Scouts, need to be funded and supported in order to empower our youngest of girls so that these are messages the girls are raised with, as opposed to introduced to sometime during their elementary years.  

Rep. Baldwin asked excellent questions, and was very receptive to my suggestions. Maybe it helped to have a photograph of my daughter, age three at the time, sitting next to Stripper Barbie. I will continue to serve as an advocate for the bill, and be a source of reference for Rep. Baldwin’s office. The bill, as it stands, is great and will do much good, especially for older girls. As for our littlest girls, Rep. Baldwin said “The bill doesn’t preclude them, but it doesn’t promote them either”. I am here to make sure our tiny girls aren’t forgotten.  

I am here to make sure that our little girls are raised with age appropriate messages and toys so that when they are five or six or seven, becoming a Brownie or Girl Scout is the coolest thing in their world. I am here to make sure that girlhood doesn’t become a twisted training ground for shopping and boy obsessed gradeschoolers, so that Girls Inc can focus less on deprogramming these girls and focus more on the amazing potential each one of them holds. I am here so that when little girls like the two above are sent to Girls Leadership Institute, my friend Rachel Simmons doesn’t have to spend time talking about negative body image because these girls will already love the skin they are in. 

Early childhood is such a magical time, so full of learning and wonder and color and exploration and dreaming and the soaking in of everything that enters a young child’s environment. It is the time during which children come to learn what it means to be human being, and all of the profound graces we enjoy in this world. In a way, those tiniest years can be the most majestic. Let’s work to keep it that way.  

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What YOU can do today: Go to the Girl Scouts page to Take Action – click here – they have made it super easy for you to contact your Congressperson and encourage support for this bill and the protection of our kids. 

Cup the Caterpillar, whom I do not feel is self destructive.

 They are interesting things, caterpillars. They eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and eat and grow and then…..they stop. They come into the quiet part of their life.  

I’m not waxing poetic. That’s what the instruction booklet says.  

My daughter named our “callipitter”, Cup. He has doubled in size, and then again, since we got him this weekend. On Monday night we had finished watching HUGE  and my Girl Gang was nomming on brownie sundaes, Cup still sat in his little caterpillar tent on the table where my daughter had left him after showing him off to the girls during dinner. While the girls discussed the fudgey goodness that was our brownies and everything that went down during the show, I noticed Cup the Caterpillar had stopped eating. Literally for the first time in days. He just sat there, fat and happy.  

Fat and happy. After eating and eating and eating and doing nothing but eating for days, he is happy and he stopped. I don’t know how he knows to stop. I have no idea about the mental capacities of caterpillars. I’m guessing he doesn’t read fashion magazines or attend a 12 step program or feel societal pressure over the fact he has quadrupled in size in six days. I think Cup just knows somehow that he has had enough to keep him full for the quiet part of his life.  

The part of his life when he’ll use this fullness, this knowing he is content, to become quiet and still inside a blanket of silk, and then….and then a magic I don’t undestand, but Cup will become a butterfly. A monarch, and he’ll spend the winter in Mexico.  But for now he is just fat and happy. Perhaps one could venture to say, Cup is Living HUGE.  

Thank goodness there aren’t self destructive caterpillars. Could you imagine? Caterpillars that eat themselves to death, exploding into a caterpillar goo because they couldn’t call it quits with the milkweed. Or caterpillars who refuse to partake in the oppotunity given to them, so instead of transforming into a graceful and soaring butterfly, they remain what basically is a glorified worm.  Or what about caterpillars who refuse to eat at all, and never experience the fatness and happiness that comes with feeling full of life. Caterpillars that give up the chance to be a butterfly. Wouldn’t that just be heartbreak?  

Of course, we’re not really talking about caterpillars anymore, are we? Take a look at Girl Gang:
  

There’s no official name for the fear of butterflies. I looked it up. Wouldn’t that be silly? Afraid of butterflies.  

I’m glad Cup doesn’t steal from others to look cool in front of his friends. Or chug vodka out of water bottles and vomit in the woods. Or sabotage workouts or lie to friends or not defend his brother during a moment of humiliation and pain. I’m extremely relieved Cup doesn’t text, or answer to booty calls in the back seat of a car with someone else’s spouse. It would upset me to learn that Cup hates himself, especially over self destructive decision he chose to follow out. It seems we lucked out with a very sensible caterpillar, accepting the journey that is ahead of him.

Perhaps the only thing more ridiculous than being afraid of butterflies is being afraid to become one.

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Jess Weiner’s Discussion Guide for Week 8, click here  

For information on our caterpillar Cup, or where you can get your own non self destructive monarch caterpillar, visit www.caterpillarcaregiver.com

National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-866-331-9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not upset the song was made. The lyrics stop you in your tracks and are performed with excellence. That what good songs are supposed to do. I’m not upset the video was made. Hit songs need videos. And this one is absolutely memorable.

I am smoking mad that the video for the Eminem and Rihanna duet “Love The Way You Lie” makes domestic violence look sexy and glamorous. It shows the girl going back for more. Liking it. Wanting it. Asking for it? It shows her going back for more. It shows her initiating some of the violence, yes. But it also shows hot make up sex right after the boyfriend puts his fist through the wall just inches from her head while his forearm is against her throat, holding her against the wall. And during the lyrics about “tying her to the bed and setting the house on fire”, the video shows the girl kissing the boy who just  rocked her face, and then ends with them laying in an embrace on a bed. Fade to black.

And that’s it. There’s no PSA. No number to call if you need help. No five seconds of Rihanna saying “No one deserves or asks for violence in their life, please call….blah blah blah” and then a cut to a website for people needing to escape the very same violence that turned her world upside down in early 2009.

Years ago I assisted with part of the investigations of two cases where women were the victims of domestic abuse. They were burned alive. In cars. They had both been pregnant. You don’t ever forget stuff like that.

Maybe that is why this song has me so upset. Domestic violence has affected two people in this world I love most, my husband and another dear friend. Maybe that is why I’ve been nauseated since Friday when I saw the video.

Maybe because I am the parent of two very small children, I see everything as a teaching moment. I have two kids that are asking questions from the moment they get up, so much of my day is spent teaching and explaining and repeating myself and then doing some more explaining. Some questions are easy, like “Do sharks get cavities?”. Some questions take my breathe away, but I still find a way to teach through those moments. I think that in the moments you most feel like being silent is exactly the time to be speaking up and using your voice. To teach others. Especially when you have people looking up to you.

I heard the song for the first time a couple of weeks ago in the car on the radio. I thought my daughter was asleep, in the backseat. She wasn’t talking, and the only time she isn’t talking is when she is asleep.

Then,

“Mama, what is this song about? Why is that boy so bossy?”-Amelia

“Uh, hi. Because he is being mean to his friend.”-Me. Radio immediately turned off.

“Why would a boy hit a girl?”-Amelia

“Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to be a good friend.”-Me

“He wouldn’t be my friend. Not if he hit me.”-Amelia

“You’re right. A friend shouldn’t…”-Me

“Mom if a bossy boy hits a girl, then she should just walk away.”-Amelia

She’s right, you know. She is four years old and she is right. It is simplistic, obviously, a child’s view of a very complicated matter. Yet, she will continue to be raised to think that way because she is absolutely right.

It took me only a second to place that haunting female voice singing the chorus. It was that of Rihanna, a recent survivor of an assault that became known to the world.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that’s alright because I love the way you lie

That’s Rihanna? Singing those lyrics? Those words? Back up, was I understanding what this song was about? She likes the pain? She’ll stand there and burn? Because I remember an emotional Rihanna, last November, giving a very honest and commendable interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC’s 20/20. Notably, at 5:06-38 (see link), when she says she knew she had to set an example, she couldn’t rest knowing her actions would lead another girl to make a decision that would get her hurt or killed. She talks about realizing how young the girls were who looked up to her.

Those millions of girls? Still do. They still look up to Rihanna who last fall went through an incredible struggle with grace and made a very strong and brave choice in the end. This video is being hailed as provocative and a “conversation starter”. I get that. It is both. On YouTube alone there are just shy of 25 million views. Sadly the explosive video does nothing to educate or make a clear statement that the violence is wrong, and where to turn if you need help stopping it. Not a single concrete message to these millions of girls who look up to Rihanna that the violence is wrong, and how to stop it. Not a single word. Her website promotes the video with !!exclamation points!! And as of the morning this post is published, she has yet to comment. Really? No comment? No comment.

I’ve heard this is “art” and that it was something both singers “needed to get off their chest”. They both have histories of domestic violence. I don’t . I cannot and will not judge them on needing to create this project.

But they failed to teach. My community of media literacy experts and girl empowerment experts and body image experts are only as good as the people we reach. And the 25 million who have viewed the video? Are we really going to reach all of them? Are we really going to start conversations with the girls who need to hear our words the most?

Unfortunately, not. But the video could have. Five extra seconds to display this information at the very top of my post. Maybe even a cool,edgy shot of the four stars holding signs with the information, or standing in a line with some short PSA. Megan Fox donated her fee to a woman’s shelter. Some say that means some good came out of it. Some good came out of the Holocaust when the medical community made surgical advances after studying the notes of the Nazi doctors….. really? A crumb of good over not teaching a lesson to the millions and millions of fans,impressionable young people who would hear and see this song and be influenced, and influenced in a way that could be detrimental to their safety? That’s not good enough for me.

I’m in the business of raising strong girls. Girls who know their worth. Girls who know that love doesn’t hit. Love doesn’t put his fist through a wall or tie you to a bed and burn you. Love doesn’t pound his fist into your flesh or belittle you or intimidate you or rip out your hair in chunks or rape you or kill you. Love looks nothing like that. And if it does, then you need to get help. I’m in the business of raising girls who know this, who walk away before this starts, or who help a friend or sister or mother or neighbor when they see it.

The stars of this project failed to teach. This project is going to make those stars a lot of money. If you are going to profit financially from a project that highlights the dark underbelly of cyclical domestic abuse, then the very least you could do is teach. When you have a tattoo inked backwards on your chest so that you can read it in the mirror, the words “Never a failure, always a lesson”, you have the responsibilty to teach. When you participate in a project of this nature, when you sing lyrics that confuse and go against everything you’ve spoken out about and even won awards for, you have the responsibility to teach. To teach the girls who view you as a star.

I’m not a star and I’m not famous. But there will never be a time when I feel it is okay to teach to our girls that violence against them is acceptable or sexy or permissable.

I’m not a star and I’m not famous, but there will never be a time that I fail in my responsibility to teach a girl her worth.

“Mom if a bossy boy hits a girl, then she should just walk away.”-Amelia

National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-866-331-9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here

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Update: Would like to add a link to my colleague and friend Deborah Reber’s post “Does Eminem’s and Rihanna’s New Song and Video Glamorize Dating Violence?” click here. She gives excellent analysis here:  

“The first time I watched the video, I put myself in my 15-year-old self’s shoes. At 15, I was insecure, longed to have connection, and often looked for validation that I had worth in others, especially boys. I would have watched that video, with every slow motion, passionate kiss and heated exchanges, and part of me would have thought, “I wish someone loved me that much, loved me so much that the thought of losing me would drive them to do dangerous things.” It’s not easy to admit that, but I know I’m not the only one who felt that way, and I know there are millions of girls today who, despite knowing intellectually that dating violence is wrong, would still have an emotional response similar to mine.”

National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-866-331-9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here

Above is the information that I feel very strongly should have accompanied Eminem/Rihanna video for “Love The Way You Lie”. Video is below. Just one sentence. Just one phone number.

But it didn’t.

Tomorrow you’ll hear my voice about this.

But for today, please listen to the voice of my guest poster, Melissa D:

Watching the video with Rihanna and Eminem felt somewhat “normal” to me; I wish I could say I was horrified or that it was appalling, but sadly it wasn’t. I grew up in a home like that. When I first married my husband I helped create a home like that, because it took me a long time to realize I needed to get some direction on how to end the cycle and change my way of thinking. This is a very real experience for many couples, unfortunately. When you grow up in a home full of domestic violence, you learn to believe that it is love. You learn if someone loves you they hit you or that if they love you they are so full of passion that they can’t take it, they explode.

I think while this video shows a very real depiction of what happens it also needs to be used as a tool to start a discussion about what can be done to end the cycle. Some ask, “Why would a women stay in this situation?” or “Why would a women initiate the violence?” Women stay for a variety of reasons and they initiate it for a variety of reasons; I know for myself I stayed in many types of abusive relationships because of the domestic violence I grew up with, my dad was never punished for it and no one ever saved me from it, so it seemed acceptable.

Young girls are often very insecure, for a multitude of reasons: home life, media, school, you name it, and there are so many ways that women are left feeling inferior. All of this insecurity can be used against them when faced with an abuser. Even if you haven’t grown up in an abusive home you maybe so insecure, much like how my mother ended up in an abusive relationship with my father, that you tolerate the abuse. You think you deserve it or you can stop it. This is one of the many reasons it is SO important to teach our girls to respect themselves and to realize their own self worth; that they can be so much more than someone’s target.

I have found that woman that initiate domestic violence or participate in it are often from abusive homes themselves or have been in a cycle of abusive relationships. They initiate it because it feels like love to them; it’s giving and receiving love. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it can also be very real. In some strange way, when you grow up with domestic abuse you can become hardwired to believe that it’s passion. It feels safe when they hit you; it’s like an old familiar teddy bear, in a way. Much like how Rihanna referenced “I like the way it hurts.” I know that may seem crazy, but in some strange way it can be true.

I hope that the purpose of this video was to start conversations much like the one’s we’ve had on Pigtail Pals’ facebook page, about what we can to do to end the cycle. While it is “entertainment” it is an important tool to teach our children that violence in any form is never okay. We need all of our children, girls and boys, to learn to stand up for themselves without violence. End the Cycle.

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Melissa D’s story of the life long cycle of Domestic Abuse, and of her survival:

The abuse in my family started long before I was born; my dad grew up with two alcoholic parents and my mom grew up with a single mother and a semi uninvolved father. My dad started abusing my mom very quickly into their relationship; you would think she would leave right? Unfortunately not, she was so insecure that I think she actually believed she could make it stop, that she deserved it, and that he must really love her if he’s so suspicious. They married and the abuse continued, however my dad did quit drinking and has been sober for many years. I remember very little from before I was five years old as you might expect, but I remember everything after that very well. My sister was born that year and that’s when I really remember the abuse amping up. I never saw my dad hit my mom and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t going on during that time. My dad was a very intelligent man with very little ambition to do great things, he believed things were owed to him, not that he had to work for them; this made it very difficult for my mother as she always had to try and keep a steady income as he could never hold down a job. Plus, I think working was an easy escape for my mom; sadly this left him with us girls most of the time. I am the oldest; I have a middle sister as I said five years younger and a baby sister eight years younger. My dad really tried to focus his abuse on me as my mom was always gone and my sisters were too little. As I look at it now I think I spent a lot of time antagonizing him just to protect them. The worst was bedtime, I was a bed-wetter as the result of his abuse, but then every night from the time I was five years old he would come in; in the middle of the night to see if I had wet the bed. If I had he would yank me out of bed and throw me on the floor and then when I would get up I would have to take my sheets off and put them in the washer and wait to switch them to the dryer, school night or not. You can imagine the impact this had on my school life. The abuse continued to escalate for years, I remember one of the most embarrassing times was when I had a birthday sleepover and I had all of my friends over and my dad got mad that I had taken chips out of the cabinet so he bit me on my thumb right through the skin and flesh, I was bleeding pretty profusely and my friends noticed and we spent the rest of the night huddled under blankets scared of my father. It’s funny really, that I would have had people over to the house at all, you would think I would have wanted to keep that a secret, but I think it was such a normal part of life that I didn’t consider until I was an adult how strange it really was, plus I am fairly certain I was hoping someone would save me from this hell. Unfortunately, we looked like a normal family from the outside, my parents were very active in the community and at school and we never showed any signs of abuse, or at least not one’s people noticed, I guess.

The abuse went on with daily stories much like the one’s above until around my 12^th birthday. My mom took me to get a perm for my birthday, I was really excited. School had just started and I was in 5^th grade with Mrs. McClure (only the best teacher in the whole school!!) One night I woke up in the basement where my sister and I had rooms and I heard a shrieking and sobbing sound coming from upstairs; so my middle sister and I went upstairs to see what was happening. My mom was crying and my dad hurried us back downstairs, my mom assured us everything was okay and my dad took us back downstairs. What I didn’t know until later is that while my dad took us downstairs my mom had called the police, my parents were fighting because my mom told him she was leaving him and he threatened to kill her and they must have started fighting. Shortly after my dad took us downstairs a police officer came down and asked us to come up, I was 12 and my younger sister was 7, it was scary but somewhat of a relief, FINALLY SOMEONE OTHER THAN US KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!

My Mom never talked to us about what happened. The police hauled my Dad off and we went back to bed, we had school the next day. My mom worked at the elementary school that we attended so my teacher already knew what had happened the night before, as soon as I came in she hugged me and the tears rolled down my cheeks, it was such a safe feeling, a little release from what had been a very heavy load.

My dad never came back into the house after that, the next weekend my mom, sisters and I loaded up his belongings into his van and drove it down the street for him to come and get. Several weeks later he moved into an apartment down the block from the duplex we were living in. My parents fought in court for two years, but our visits with dad started up shortly after he left. The abuse continued and no one did anything. I was not forced to go, but I couldn’t bare to let me sisters go alone, at least not until they were old enough to take care of themselves, so as they got older I saw him less and less although he would call and verbally abuse me several times a week.

When I was 14 is when I started looking for boys and choosing acceptable “mates” the boys I had my eyes on were nothing but trouble from the word go, we lived in a very dangerous neighborhood on Madison’s west side, so there were plenty of troubled boys to find everywhere I looked; gang bangers, pedophiles, and criminals galore. My mom was gone working most of the time and I was left alone with my sisters, but still struggling to become a woman. I put myself and my sisters in very dangerous situations. This is how I truly understand the meaning of “but for the grace of God go I” because it is a mystery how we didn’t end up dead or kidnapped or worse.

My first “boyfriend” was a 14 year old boy that was really putting the pressure on me to have sex. He wasn’t the first boy to ask but he was my first boyfriend, so it was a much more intense pressure. Thankfully I had the good sense to wait, but it wasn’t easy. Our relationship was intense, I ran away from home to be with him. He was “so nice to me” which at that time meant he wasn’t hitting me. He was a good guy and actually turned out to be a decent man. While I was busy with him, my mom was busy dating too many men to count each of them weirder than the last, mostly because she was so insecure that she was looking for the wrong type of relationship too. It’s strange really, because growing up I never thought of my mom as insecure, I used to think she was the strongest woman I knew.

As time went on my relationships with men got more complex, I wanted so badly to be with a man that “wouldn’t hit me” but I kept choosing one’s that would. I realize now that it was because I was truly more comfortable with hitting than with not. The last boyfriend I had before I met my husband was an amazing man and truly deserves a medal for putting up with me. He would have never hit me no matter how hard I pushed him. We dated for several years and he finally had enough of being pushed and left me two weeks before I graduated high school, it was devastating. I wish I had realized then the help I truly needed, but unfortunately no one that knew what had happened with my father or how I grew up guided me towards getting help. It wasn’t until after this amazing man broke up with me that I realized how much help I truly needed. Over the summer, I got help and learned that I need to start seeing the world differently, so that I can change my perception that abuse=love. In order to move on with my life, I moved to Chicago with a friend. This is where I met my husband. We started off so in love we met in November and by June we were engaged, I was 20 years old, by July I was pregnant and we were on the fast track to a family. He had grown up in a horribly abusive home full of drug use and domestic violence, thankfully not directed at him but between his parents; initiated by both his father and his mother. We truly believed that we could create a normal life together without abuse; it was a nice dream but an almost impossible one because we were both hardwired to believe that domestic violence is an acceptable way of life. By the time our son was six weeks old we were fighting weekly like prize fighting boxers. I initiated it, he initiated it; it just went on and on until one night at the bottom of the stairs I was screaming for help and a neighbor called the police. The police came and explained that they would take us both away if we were fighting especially with a newborn in the house. It was interesting really, that we were under so much stress that we just resorted to what we knew best, domestic violence. Along with the violence came passion, if we had fought we would “make up” like crazy, it was a horrible cycle but it felt like love. We realized after some time that this wasn’t working and had to make changes. We started making changes and realizing that we have to rewire ourselves so that we can rewire our future together. We still have some arguments, but we never put our hands on one another.  We also realize that we have to make a conscious effort to end our cycle of domestic violence and remove it from our family’s history so that our children don’t repeat the same behaviors.

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Thank you, Melissa D., for you voice and the strength to share your story. And thank you for being willing to teach.

National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-866-331-9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here

Dr. Megan Bradley, Associate Professor of Psychology and Frostburg State University in Maryland asked that I participate in an interview via twitter to talk about the sexualization of girls and what it means for parents. I was really excited about this opportunity because the sexualization of childhood is something that affects ALL families, and needs to be broken down into short, usable messages for parents to implement in their homes.

Sexualization is the children’s rights issue of our time. I aim to change the way we think about our girls.

Here is our interview that took place today (August 6th):

1) You’ve tweeted about the sexualization of young girls in our society. How is that defined & why is it harmful?

Sexualization is much different than the healthy, innate sexuality human beings have. Sexualizaton is manufactured and age inappropriate.

Sexualization occurs when a person is taught their worth is their sex appeal or behavior, fitting into a narrow definition of “sexy”.

Sexualization is the objectification of a person for other’s sexual use, and forcing sexuality upon a person at an inappropriate age.

In 2007 the American Psychological Assoc released findings on harms of sexualization bit.ly/d45Zlo. It interferes with girls’ healthy development

The APA’s research & that of other groups has found that sexualization hurts self esteem, body image, mental health, and sexual development.
2) What messages are girls receiving from a culture that sexualizes young girls?

Girls receive the message their worth, their social currency, is their sex appeal as it fits inside of a narrow definition of “sexy”

In our culture girls are sexualized at extremely early ages w/ images of sexy princesses & fairies, dolls w/ distorted body proportions.

As a parent, I’ve seen a direct marketing campaign at my preschool daughter that encourages a girl’s focus to be on beauty & catching guys

It skews ideas of feminimity, introduces them to adult concepts of heteronormative sexuality, and distorts their developing body image

A girls’ worth is more than her beauty. There is more in this world for girls than their level of “hotness” or “sexiness”.
3) How do some businesses promote sexualization through their products?

There are corporations whose profit margins are structured on exploitation of children. It is a bastardization of childhood I do not accept.

Manufacturers of toys/apparel/media that sell girls sexy characters, dolls, sayings on clothing, etc are complicit in sexualization.

Several corporations have built empires by selling hyperfeminine, overtly sexual, age inappropriate toys to children (Barbie, Bratz)

Anytime a business sells a product that rushes children into an synthetic sexualized mini-adulthood, they promote sexualization of our kids.
4) You’ve decided to make a change at the cultural level – to redefine girly. You aimed high there! What challenges have you faced with your message?

I did aim high, but every day I look at my little girl and know not enough is being done to protect our smallest girls from sexualization.

I aim to take back girlhood for our daughters, and allow them their right to be little girls. That is why we are Redefining Girly.

The biggest challenge is to change the way people think about girls. Parents are catching onto media literacy, and want changes.

I don’t agree with teaching girls to sit pretty and be quiet. Or worse, teaching them to be raunchy and sexually available to men.

I want people to see that girls have a natural desire to be smart, daring, and adventurous. It is vital to their time spent growing up.

The girl market is completely saturated w/ products focused solely on beauty, shopping, and fashion. Girls deserve a wider world than that.

5) Who are good role models for young girls?

People in real life: parents, extended family, neighbors, teachers, local teens, sports coach, babysitter, local artist or business owner

I don’t think celebrities/famous athletes are good role models. Parents have no way of vetting those people in line w/ their family values.

Role models should be people in a girl’s life who can build her up, help her out, listen to her, and who care about her.
6) What can a parent do if a daughter idolizes the wrong role model or wants a sexualized toy to fit in w/her friends?

That’s a sticky wicket all parents will encounter. When my girl asks for inappropriate stuff, I ask “How much fun can we have with that?”

Teaching girls to read the media, and think critically about products they want to buy and how they will use them is important.

The desire to fit in w/ the crowd is a strong & normal need for children. Its all part of how they figure out how to navigate socially.

Its okay for parents to say “We don’t watch that tv show” or “Our family will not be purchasing her new album”. Set boundaries & explain why

It is okay to make unhealthy products off-limits in your family. You can help shape your child’s thoughts, but you can’t control them.

As for the misplaced idolization – talk to her about why she likes that person, and ask her questions that make her analyze her choices.

Examples: “In what ways is she talented?” “What would you do if you could meet her?” “What would you do if that had been a photo of you?”

Those questions apply to a celebrity role model or a real-life friend who may not be the best choice. Thinking critically is key.

Whatever her answers may be, they aren’t nearly as important or powerful as the time spent talking with a trusted adult.

7) Overall, what can parents & teachers do to empower girls?

Empower girls with knowledge they have worth. What they think matters. What they say and dream matters. Who they are has worth.

Specifically, focus compliments away from how she looks or behaves, and shift focus to what she does and thinks.
8 ) How can redefining girly also help young boys’ development?

Boys need to grow up respecting female peers. Redefining Girly shows boys that girls are fun, smart, and strong. Girls make good friends.

Boys consume huge amounts of objectified females in the media. Having friendships w/ girls & respect for women deconstructs that.

9) Why did you choose 2 focus on clothing apparel for young girls on your site (www.pigtailpals.com)?

I chose to start w/ apparel because t-shirts are a staple in childhood. A little girl can wear her Pigtail Pals tee like a coat of armor.

I was sick of “Daddy’s Princess” & “Sweet Little Angel” clothing when my girl was a baby. I wanted her raised w/ stronger messages.

In August Pigtail Pals is super excited to be offering hats, stickers, school supplies, greeting cards, and workbooks for girls!
10) How have girls and parents responded to your t-shirts? Got any deals 4 our audience?

Parents are in love with the message and our designs. The shirts are selling well and I have a strong parent community embracing the message

At trunk shows and workshops,I’ve had both parents and girls hug me, shake my hand and thank me, cry…People want better for their girls.

Of course! We’ve always got sales going on at Pigtail Pals. Our audience can use coupon code: launch for 15% off, no expiration date.

Thanks so much for having me today. I enjoyed sharing the message of Pigtail Pals. We’ve also got a great Facebook page & blog to check out

Franco tries to snubstitute his way into Girl Gang.

There aren’t a lot of things you can successfully substitute in life without a noticeable difference from the original. Like those generic crayons my Grandma Jean would buy. They just never worked as well or smelled as good. The generic crayons came in all of the same colors, but they just didn’t measure up. The sticking and squeaking on the the paper. The chunks of wax left behind as you colored in a cloud. That’s no way to live.

Kind of like when a bunch of non-Native American campers are sent by their camp director into the woods to have a Native American religious experience, led by a guy who is 1/4 Native American with no connection to his Native American culture. Generic crayons. You cannot acquire authenticity from a tour-guide book to life. And while I highly recommend exploring other cultures and participating in customs and festivals outside of your own, it is important to remember that you are a temporary guest, and that your own truth must be discovered on your own path because authenticity is not a souvenir.

I’ve journied around the world. I’ve taken part in various religious ceremonies outside of my culture and and my homeland. In fact, as I type this, my daughter is twirling about in a scarf I bought while in Milan to wrap around my bare shoulders in order to be allowed inside a cathedral. I’ve been a guest in the fanciest of homes, and I’ve drank homemade beer in a tin shack in a shantytown in Africa. I wasn’t looking to become someone else, I was looking to become myself. These places and these peoples were stops on my journey to becoming my own person.

Girl Gang, Franco, and I all enjoyed this week’s episode of ABC Family’s HUGE. There were giggles at Salty’s one liners, love for Dr. Rand’s natural hair, cheers when George and Amber kiss, and we all very much heart Alistair. We thought it was noteworthy that in the beginning of the episode when Dr. Rand makes some great comments about the “milk of human kindness”, Chloe and Amber are busy praying for pink Vespas and ‘thighs that don’t touch’, while Alistair sits a few rows behind them, eyes closed with the most beautiful look of serenity on his face. Interestingly enough, it is Alistair who is one of the few campers who has a truly meaningful experience on the Spirit Quest.

As Poppy and George learn on the Spirit Quest, you can’t manufacture life changing experiences. Everyone has an internal compass inside of them that guides who they are and the choices they make and the direction they choose to travel. Watch as the Girl Gang and I talk about our Internal Compass, stepping outside of our comfort zone, and living with an open heart….

If you aren’t sure which way your compass is pointing, or even if you know how to read it at all, listen to the quiet. If you are lost, stay in one place, sit down, and listen to yourself. Not all us have long lost Native American grandfathers that we can call on a cell phone. But we can call upon ourselves, as we all have a voice within us that guides us through both good and bad experiences. It is up to you to live an authentic life and listen to that powerful voice inside you. You can ignore that voice, but then you end up dumpster diving for day old dough nuts. Or worse, coloring with generic crayons.

Brenna (12yo) uses strike magnesium flint to light a campfire.

A couple of weeks ago I received an email from a family friend whose 12 year old daughter was attending a local science camp. A story had just run in our local paper, a cute little telling of the experience the 15 campers were having at Survival Science Camp being held at our local nature preserve. There was just one problem, and it was a BIG one. The article made no mention of ANY of the girls attending the camp. One third of the campers were girls, yet except for a pair of legs in an accompanying photo, you’d never know it. I’m sure it was just an oversight. Thing is, I get a little bothered when girls are overlooked. So here’s Pigtail Pals’ version of Survival Science Camp….

I arrived at Janesville’s Outdoor Science Lab feeling like a girl again. The Survival Science Campers that I was here to interview were all around twelve years old, which was the age I began working as a camp counselor, spending my next six summers at a day camp settled into the Wisconsin prairie. There are few places more pretty than Wisconsin in the summertime, and running around in the woods and stomping through rivers was a great way to come of age.

As I approached the group of parents and campers circled around the fire pit, I had to chuckle as I observed Brenna, 12 year old extraordinaire, light the camp fire with strike magnesium flint. In part, it was humorous because Brenna is the daughter of a firefighter, but also because as she did so, and the embers started smoking and then crackling, one of the boys raised his arms victoriously in the air and said “WE HAVE FIRE! We are cavemen!”. Brenna looked up at him and rolled her eyes, and I couldn’t resist. “Caveman, I think by ‘we’ you mean ‘she’. She has fire. Just sayin.”

Brenna cooks me breakfast - a chocolate chip banana split.

Brenna came over and gave me a hug and I started jumping up and down telling her how excited I was to hang out with her for the morning. I’m sure Christianne Anamanpour would have kept her cool, but I was embedded with science-loving middle school girls offering to cook me a breakfast of chocolate chip banana splits and s’mores.

“So Brenna, how did it feel to light our fire with a group of people watching you. You didn’t even use matches!” -Me

“I was happy. I’ve never done that before. I’m not allowed to light fires.” -Brenna

“What has been the coolest part about this week?” -Me

“Definitely lighting fires with flint. And finding people when they got lost. We learned a lot of new things and pushed our limits.” -Brenna

One happy sigh from me and a tummy full of camp fire melted chocolatey-goodness later, we walked around the trails so Brenna and her friends could tell me more about this week and what they learned from their fearless survival instructors, Neil Boys and David Hintze, science teachers at Parker High School here in Janesville and creators of this co-ed camp experience for junior high students.

The girls told me all about making sun dials and cooking food with natural heat and using GPS and compasses to find lost hikers in the woods. I heard all about boiling oak bark and plantain juice as natural remedies for wounds. And somehow they talked me into eating wild berries that was assured me were not poisonous.

Sun dial made by campers, which Brenna said was the most difficult project.

“So Brenna, tell me what you would say to younger girls who want to come to science camp.” -Me

“I think it is really fun. There is a lot to learn, about plants and animals and wild berries. We cooked hot dogs using tin foil and a solar cooker we made.” -Brenna

“How long did that take?” -Me

“About an hour and a half. But they were so so good.” -Brenna

“I don’t know, B. That’s a really long time to wait for a dog.” -Me

“Well, I would tell girls it is important to get outside and enjoy nature and learn about nature. Its not all about make-up and stuff. There are really neat things you can do here.” -Brenna

“Tell me more.” -Me

“Well, you can be free. You can be open. You can just be yourself. You can do anything here.”

Replica pioneer log cabin we would have called home 200 years ago.

Oh, that Brenna. See why I was jumping up and down? Next I spoke with the teachers in charge of the week, Mr. Boys and Mr. Hintze, and asked them about their thoughts on girls getting involved in math and science. Both are fathers of daughters, and they agreed that feeling comfortable in science and math can build a girl’s self esteem. The teachers had used multiple disciplines in science to teach the kids about water purification, fire building, shelter construction, and navigation. I asked them how it went to have a co-ed group of junior high aged kids, and Mr.Hintze said, “Oh, it was great. They were one big happy family. They were cooperating, both had great ideas. They would problem solve together and work together. The girls definitely spoke up when they needed to.” Mr. Boys agreed, saying that is was important for girls to feel comfortable in nature, and in taking leadership roles. He said he was proud of the girls and how they handled themselves during the week.

Brenna then led her mom and I down a winding trail in the woods to a stream. Having bad ankles, all of the rocks on the steep hill Brenna forget to mention made me a bit nervous, but I quipped she could just boil some plantain lace for me and I’d be fine. “Oh no,” Brenna sad, “That’s only for open wounds. If you sprain your ankle you’re on your own.”

Luckily, my weak ankles and I made it to the bottom in one piece. We approached the stream and Brenna wasted no time chucking off her shoes and jumping in. A few moments later one of her girlfriends came tearing across the bridge, yelling at her, “Wait! Don’t have fun without me!” as she tossed her shoes on the bank and jumped in after Brenna. Oh, happy sigh. Twelve year old girls acting like twelve year old girls, just as they should be.

Brenna and Riley examining the stream.

As if on cue, this camper walked up with a large frog in her hand

Trail down to stream.

While talking about this post on twitter, a mom from our Pigtail Pals community sent me an email with her daughter Hannah’s thoughts on science camp taking place in another state.

Here’s what Hannah had to say:

Chemistry…I felt like a scientist because I had a mask and gloves. We put a bunch of stuff in the cup and mine exploded! It was my favourite!

Biology…We dissected the stuff that owls’ throw up. There were mice bones and hair in there and stuff. It was disgusting because it smelled really bad.

Anatomy… The professor brought in a skeleton and we touched real bone. She was very interesting.

Microscopes… Very cool! She (the professor) had our names on there the first day as a surprise. Looking at the germs was really interesting because they were breathing and alive. One had a whole bunch of points, and one had like a hair moving around. We got them from the fish tank. They kind of freaked me out!

Astronomy… I loved the star dome. They talked all about the constellations and it was dark so you could see all of them.  I got dizzy at part of it because I couldn’t see. One of the teachers fell asleep! (a university student lol)

My least favourite part was the nature walk because it was too hot. Everything else was fun.

And that my friends, is how girls do science camp.

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Girl Gang brought me dinner this week for our viewing party of HUGE on ABC Family, which was a nice treat. We started off our evening watching Jess Weiner talk to the the creators of HUGE. Then we had a smorgasbord meal that was all brought together by our cookie cake. Our tasty, soft cookie cake. The kind of cookie cake I always wanted for my birthday treat for school but was never allowed to get because it was silly and my mom could make one at much less expense. There are very few things in life that I have wanted and not gotten. Cookie cake is one of them.

Even though Girl Gang brought me dinner and I got out of cooking, Jason, my husband, still had to do the dishes. Well, he didn’t have to, but we don’t have a dishwasher and the kids are still too short to reach the faucet. Every Monday night when the Girl Gang comes over, we have six extra people in our house and that creates more dishes. Yet every Monday night Jason does the dishes, even when he doesn’t get to eat dinner with us because he is putting Benny to bed and getting ready to take Amelia out on a date. Every Monday night he and Amelia return from the date, Amelia runs in to hang out with her beloved teen agers, and Jason does the dishes. He comes in, says hello to the girls, and then just quietly does the dishes. He even sprays and wipes down the table. This hasn’t gone unnoticed by Girl Gang.

This wouldn’t be all that important or even blog worthy, except that every Monday night the Girl Gang gets to observe a husband support and respect his wife and care well for his children. Specifically, they get to see him dote on his daughter. That’s a special thing, fathers and daughters. I think it is a tremendously important thing for Girl Gang to see. Girl Gang and I talked about fathers and daughters, a bit. It seemed like a hard conversation to have. Which is odd, because usually Girl Gang is able to bring it every week and they chat my ear off until midnight. This week, when the topic was fathers and daughters, something was different. We didn’t even make a video.

We did pause the show to talk about Chloe’s desperation for male attention and acceptance. We talked about girls sacrificing huge parts of themselves just to get with or keep a guy. We talked about the slut shaming and the cultural value of virginity, and that Chloe was clearly lying about what happened last summer. We talked about Wayne reciting poetry to Dr. Rand, and the awkwardness of love. We talked about being in love. We discussed the importance of a father telling his daughter she is beautiful. We talked about boys not asking girls out on proper dates anymore and the notebook I made for my brother as I was leaving the University of Minnesota that subsequently became legend at his fraternity – it was full of cute, romantic date ideas that my brother could do for $30 or less while he finished his final two years at college without the watchful eye of his protective older sister. That’s when the girls noticed Jason busy in the dining room cleaning up our smorgasbord, and one of the girls said, “Can I just say, your husband is so great. He treats you like a queen. Can we all just marry him?”. It was cute, and I heard Jason giggle. I didn’t feel threatened that a room full of 18 year old girls had a crush on my husband because two minutes later they were all screaming about Zac Efron and Charlie St. Cloud.

We called Jason over to the living room as we debated what constitutes a real date. He thought I was asking a trick question, and I could see the wheels spinning in his head. “You’re asking what is a date? You mean when a guy calls up a girl and says ‘I’d like to take you out on this day and this time. How does doing such and such sound?’ Like a date date? A guy should do that to show how interested he is. That he put thought into her.” The girls just sat there, kind of bewildered. “Guys just don’t do that anymore” they said to me. “Then you’re hanging out with the wrong guys” I said back.

I try to be respectful to the girls and not Mother Hen them. They are legal adults, after all.  Except everyone who knows me knows I’m a Mother Hen. I feel as the mother to one girl, I am a mother to all girls. I care about girls. I see so many girls lack self-esteem and self respect and that literally hurts my heart. So I Mother Hen. With the Girl Gang, I don’t hesitate to tell them to live their life with authenticity. Or to expect a proper date when a guy (or girl) is interested in them. I make them say please during dinner. I listen as they go on and on about Justin Bieber. I state matter of factly that no one has the right to call them a bitch, even in jest. I tell them it is not okay for a man to scream at a woman, or threaten her with any type of physical intimidation. I tell them they do need to be able to handle confrontation if a boyfriend is inappropriate or abusive. I tell them it is not okay for a father to ridicule or belittle his daughter. I tell them their father will be the most important man in their life. Maybe not the best man, be he will be the most significant.

I know much of the discussion this week around HUGE is whether or not Amber and George will kiss. And Girl Gang is rooting for them and enjoying seeing romance among the cast, especially considering it is a plus-size cast. I could have written a whole post on teen romance and the show. But this week, as we talked about fathers and daughters during our Conversation Guide, more important stuff came up.

This past Monday night I told the girls, in my best Mother Hen voice, that in any relationship they enter, they should never settle for anything less than being treated with complete respect. Girl Gang, forget me not.

My parents never did get me a cookie cake. They certainly gave me a whole lot more.