**Trigger Warning**
“No. No no no NO! Please! Please don’t do this to me! Please! No, I am too scared! NO!”
“Hold her still. I’ll rip her pants down and stick her.”
“NO NOOOO NO No NO NO NO NO NO.”
“Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me.”
Sometimes things happen so fast it doesn’t feel like there is time to think and when it is over, you stand there wondering if what just happened, happened. My hands were shaking and both of my children were crying, bordering on hysterical. It had happened.
Let me back up, to last Thursday when I took my children to the pediatrician to catch up on some shots we had missed. My daughter really hates getting shots, so I had spent the two days prior preparing her for the two shots she would be getting, and why she needed to get them. We talked about what would happen, we talked about some diseases being very serious and needing prevention, and we planned a special reward for when it was over. We arrive at the doctor’s office and the kids go bananas because the waiting room has been completely remodeled, there is a new fish tank to press noses against, and a circular leather couch the kids deem an air hole in the Arctic ice and they morph into whales. Next they notice a small set of carpeted stairs in the corner and turn it into a stage, singing something about cats while we waited for our turn. We don’t go to the doctor very often, so the kids hadn’t been in the office in eight months or so. A nurse or Medical Assistant we had never seen called us back and roomed us.
The patient rooms were also new, and the kids were still excited and exploring everything. When I made the appointment three weeks ago I mentioned that my daughter was very scared of getting shots and that this appointment needed to happen quickly. This nurse, or MA, asked me what we were here for, and I looked at her puzzled and told her the kids needed a couple of shots. She asked if I knew which ones, and I inquired into why she was not prepared, nor had our charts pulled. I asked her to open our chart on the computer, and she seemed annoyed by the request. She opened my son’s chart first, and said “Oh my God, he’s missing like everything. I’m not sure what to do. Do you want us to give him everything today?” No, I did not. I wrote down what I wanted for him. I asked her to pull up my daughter’s chart, and Amelia had quieted down and came to my side, eyes very wide. As I looked at her chart, I noticed vaccines listed on there I had not approved (we reduce and delay, a decision that is met with indifference at this office). I was pissed. I asked to see the doctor, and was told he was on vacation until next week. I tried to calm down since there was nothing I could do at that moment, and I wrote down what I wanted my daughter to have. The nurse asked if I wanted to speak to one of the other doctors, I declined.
She then said it would take her a few minutes “to get all these shots ready”. The nurse left the room, not once addressing or acknowledging either child. Freaking brilliant, I thought.
“What does she mean, ‘all these shots’?” asked five year old Amelia, her voice beginning to tremble.
“I don’t know why she said it that way, Honey. She needs to get two shots for you and two for Benny. It will be two quick little pokes in your leg, and then you are all done.” Me
“I don’t want shots. Mom, I’m really scared,” Amelia said, and the tears started to roll. I wrapped her up in a hug.
“I understand that you are scared, but shots are something we have to do so that we don’t get very sick with a bad disease that could put us in the hospital or kill us. The nurse will do it very quickly. It will just feel like a little pinch,” I tried reassuring her.
No luck. Amelia is an deeply emotional creature. She is very bright and very intense. She is a wonderful little girl who is deathly afraid of shots. I’m deathly afraid of clowns. I get it. I respect her, and if the child is terrified, it is my personal experience having worked with children with deep fears of water and swimming, to wrap them in love and security and ease them through their fears to get them to a place of confidence and understanding.
The nurse came back with another nurse/MA, and again without looking at or addressing either child, she looks at me and asks, “Okay, so who’s first?” I asked where the nurses where going to give the shot, and where they wanted me.
I chose Benny to go first, scooped him up, and put him on the table. The room was small and crowded. Amelia scooted under the exam table. I could hear her crying softly.
I helped Benny undo his snap and wiggle down his pants. He laid down on the table and began to cry a little. I held his hands and the second nurse had her hands on his feet. I told him to give me Eskimo kisses as the shots went in. He cried from the pain, but was otherwise a trooper. I got him redressed and hugged him, handed him a book, wiped away his tears, and sat him in one of the chairs.
Amelia was at this point crying very loudly, and had plastered herself to the wall underneath the exam table. Because the room was so small and I had been dealing with Ben, I let her go there because it seemed to make her feel safe. Since neither one of the medical staff had even acknowledged her, I’m going to assume she didn’t feel secure in the hands of two strangers who had just made her little brother cry.
With Amelia crying hard, I reached under and pulled her hand to help her out. She did not come very willingly. I tried to pick her up from under her arm pits and plop her bottom on the table, but she bucked off, and began screaming “No” over and over again. I still had her under her arms, tummy to tummy. I had my face nuzzled into her hair, and was trying to tell her that she would be okay, I understood she was scared, and that I would hold her the entire time. I don’t think she heard any of it over the crying. I could feel the nurses getting tense. I understood their annoyance, but the kid was terrified. Terrified. Not acting like a brat, she was terrified. I was hoping one of them would say something to her, or try to distract her for a moment. They just stood there. Benny was still crying a bit, too, saying his legs really hurt. I was about to ask the nurses to leave and give us a minute to get collected, when it happened.
“No. No no no NO! Please! Please don’t do this to me! Please! No, I am too scared! NO!” Amelia.
“Hold her still. I’ll rip her pants down and stick her.” Nurse.
“NO!” screamed Amelia, and she began kicking when the nurse reached for the waistband of her pants.
“What?! NO!” I said very sharply, not wanting my child’s pants ripped off her body, nor her to have a needle jammed in her leg when her body wasn’t still.
But the words of the nurse and the pleas of my daughter did it. My head swirled like when you are about to pass out, and all of my rape memories came back to me. I don’t talk about it and I don’t think about it, but the words, and the cries of my daughter, it was just enough to trigger it all, I guess. I tried to say something to Amelia, but my mouth didn’t open. I wanted to punch the nurse in the face, but for obvious reasons, did not. I turned to look at Ben, and he sat there, his little three year old body in the big chair,he had tears streaming down his face as he said, “Nama, Nama,” his pet name for his big sister.
A nurse came on either side of Amelia, grabbed a leg and lifted her onto the table. I still had Amelia by the upper body, and I numbly moved along with them.
“Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me.”
It was Amelia saying those words, but it had been me saying those words in my mind 15 years prior when I had been drugged and raped. I had been awake enough to know what was happening, too drugged to move or fight back. I tried to squash all of that down, and be present for my daughter, but she had stopped fighting at that point, she had given up. I wanted to weep. The nurses had backed off, and were standing at the end of the table. I just wanted this over and these women away from my children. I could not believe we were experiencing this.
“Amelia, I know you are scared. It is okay. Mommy is going to undo your button and I am going to wiggle your pants under your bum and you are going to get your shots.” Amelia’s eyes were rolled back in her head, and she was crying, but in a way that was more like moaning now. This is absolutely dreadful, I remember thinking. But this all took place in about 20-40 seconds. I was upset myself and I didn’t know what to do. Should I tell them to stop? That we’ll reschedule? There was no way I’d ever get Amelia back in here. The second nurse reached up and very gently helped Amelia wiggle down her pants, they very quickly gave her the shots and put Band Aids on, said a short “Okay then you’re all set” and left the room.
I stood there in shock. Hurt and fury and shock. Amelia stood up, crying, fist clenched, and screamed in my face, “SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE DOWN MY PANTS!”. Amelia was righteously pissed.
Amelia should be. She has been taught since about the age of two what the rules of her body are. She knows the names of her private parts, of male private parts, and that no one should touch her nor ask her to touch them or somebody else. She knows whether it is a kid or an adult, a stranger or someone we know, whether it feels good or is scary, no one is to touch her body. She knows unless she is at the doctor and Mom is in the room, no one is to ask her to take her clothes off so that they can look at her. As she has gotten older, she has developed on her own an attack plan of what she would do if someone tried to touch her or steal her. We have talked to her about “tummy voices” and how to listen to her intuition. We have raised her to be aware and confident and not to be fearful. She knows she can ask me or my husband questions, or come to us if something occurs and that she won’t get in trouble. She has been taught this. She knows the rules of her body.
Years ago at her three year old check up, she sat in her Dora panties while the doctor examined her and felt her tummy, and when he pressed on her lower abdomen, she popped up, put her finger in the air and other hand on her hip and spouted off what we joke are her “Vagina Monologues”, which is a 90 second rant on private parts and who can and cannot touch her body. The doctor very respectfully put his hands together and backed off. Little girlfriend would have none of it.
And that is why last Thursday was so devastating for me. For Amelia. She had been taught and had embraced the idea that she was in control of her body. She knew what was right and what was wrong. She knew she had the right to say no. She knew her body was hers. Yet this nurse, in her demonstrated complete lack of respect for my daughter, was going to forcefully remove the child’s pants. Now, I’ve never worked as a nurse, but I have worked with kids consistently since I was twelve years old. That’s 21 years of kiddom. I can think of 4-5 things off the top of my head that the nurses could have done to gain the trust of my child and make the shots go more smoothly. Or they could have left the room and let me calm my terrified child down. My dogs have been shown more compassion by their vet.
Yesterday, when I spoke to the doctor, he said the nurses denied it happening and that he was unsure what to do. I said I wanted the nurse formally disciplined, and for his staff to be addressed on bedside manner to children, and having a little extra compassion for young children terrified of needles. He said he was so very sorry this had happened. I said I was furious that my husband and I had worked so hard to give Amelia a strong body image and know the rules of her body, and we come to the place whose sole purpose it is to safe guard her health, and that as the child is crying “No” all of it was undone by one nurse. The doctor said he doubts most kids would have reacted as strongly as Amelia, and that maybe that was a result of what we had taught her. He said it was usually best not to bargain and just get it over with. He said she wouldn’t need shots again until she was ten, so she would be okay and get over it. I felt completely patronized and judged. My daughter was terrified, and what happened to her was traumatic. We will not be returning to his care.
This would be a pertinent time to interject that 1 in 4 girls will be sexually molested or assaulted by the time they are 18 years old. For boys, 1 in 6. My children are taught the rules of their bodies. 1 in 4 teens will suffer violence in a dating relationship. 15% of rape survivors are under the age of 12 years old. My children know their bodies belong to them, and that they have the right to demand respect for their bodies. As a parent, I will not apologize to my doctor or to anyone for teaching them that natural born right. You’re damn straight my daughter reacted strongly.
Later that afternoon I had to go to Madison for a segment on the news. I let Amelia come to the studio with me. She had a tired and glazed look in her eye. She had stared out the window, not talking, for the 45 minute drive to Madison. She was withdrawn. In the parking lot, she asked if she could question the reporters about whales. I said we would try. After my segment the anchors called her over to the news desk, and she was shy at first as they lether ask her questions about news stories on whales. Amelia is obsessed with whales, and they were asking questions back and answering her questions and the light came back on in her eyes. She was Amelia again. Within ten minutes she was sitting on the lap of the anchor I had done the segment with, and was inviting all of them to her birthday party. They had taken the time to gain the trust of the child.
When we returned home that night, she was talking to my husband at the dinner table, and she pounded her little fist on the table as she said to my husband, “That nurse had no right to take my pants down.” My husband agreed with her, he assured her that he and I were very angry, and that we would be talking to that nurse’s boss and that what she did was very wrong. Luckily, several of our dear family friends are nurses, and we are going to schedule some time for Amelia to go in and see them at work and give them hugs and have an experience that allows her to see loving, respectful nurses at work. We took time over the next couple of days to talk with both kids about what happened, what was not right about it, and why. We talked about how Amelia could have acted differently, even though she was very very scared.
I asked Amelia if she wanted to write the nurse a letter, to tell her what she thought about what happened. She answered in true Amelia fashion.
“Smalls, I know you were so upset today. Maybe it would be a good idea to write the nurse who upset you a letter,” I suggested.
“Mom, my brain was telling me to relax but my heart was telling me to cry and I was so scared and my tummy was telling me to puke,” Amelia explained.
“I understand that. You were very upset and very scared. You won’t have to get shots for a long time, so we have lots of time to practice being calm. So do you want to write the nurse a letter?” I ask.
“No. But I do want to mail her a toad,” Amelia says.
“What if she doesn’t understand what that means? What does that mean, by the way?” I wonder as I try to figure out where this is going.
“Oh. Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh she’ll know what it means,” says Amelia, as she pushes away her chair and gets up to go play with the puppy.
Amelia seems to be okay, but I do not know what to expect the next time she has to go to the doctor. And now I have to find a new doctor. While I hate what happened to us last Thursday, I am thankful I was present when it happened, and can help her understand it. I am thankful beyond words it was not a more serious situation, say one of sexual molestation or assault. I don’t ever want that level of violation to happen to my cherished daughter’s body, to any child’s body. It is the right of the child to have their body pass through their childhood much loved and unharmed.
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Here’s what I want parents to take away from this story:
1. Please, please get comfortable talking to your kids about their bodies, private parts, and sex. You might need to get honest with yourself and move past some issues you may have in order to have this ongoing and evolving conversation with your child. Do that.
2. Please, please teach your children about their bodies, the correct names of their body parts, what appropriate and inappropriate touches are, and their right to say no.
3. Please, please get honest about the fact that these inappropriate touches 90% of the time come from people the child will know and consider safe. Your child must know that he or she will never be in trouble for being honest with you.
4. When a situation happens that is uncomfortable to talk about, get uncomfortable and talk about it. Allow your kids to express their emotions, and ask questions about what happened. Help them interpret their actions and the actions of the others involved. Their being a child does not diminish their rights.
5. Take time to get to know the staff at your doctor’s office. If something doesn’t feel right to you, ask questions or even take a timeout to take a step back. Respect a doctor’s time spent in school and knowledge, but recognize that you are the boss of your child’s body and will have a say in their medical care.
6. Teach your child that medical professionals are there to help them, and that sometimes we have to do things at the doctor we don’t want to do, like eye drops or shots or a throat culture to protect our health. But it is possible for a nurse or doctor to step outside of the realm of professional appropriateness and your child always has the right to speak up when they don’t like what is happening to their body. If it helps, develop a code word with your child that is a signal that they are uncomfortable (also works with neighbors or coaches or extended family) and need to speak to you in private ASAP.
7. YOU are your child’s biggest advocate. You are their voice in situations they cannot fully understand. Children cry and act out when they cannot voice what is happening to them. Children see the world differently than we do. Show them respect and see things from their eye level. Use your voice to stand up for them. It may not change what happened, but it will teach your child they are worth fighting for, and that you speak up and speak out when something is unjust.
When we discussed this on Facebook last week, I received some judgemental comments saying that Amelia’s behavior was inappropriate for a 5yo and that I had allowed my daughter to act in a way that was bratty and that I need more control as a parent. I want to make clear, this wasn’t Amelia being bratty, this was Amelia being terrified. There is a big difference, and the difference is an important one. I think telling a child to “Suck it up” when they are in a state of terror directly tells them their feelings are unimportant to what adults want to do with their bodies. I will not teach my children that, and if that makes me a bad parent, I’ll take it. I am stern with my children, but not in a way that disregards their feelings, especially when that feeling is terror. I try very hard, every day, to be present and parent from a place that is loving and respectful, not intimidating and dismissive. I respect them enough to not force my will on them, but rather have them come around to a decision because they understand the situation. At 5.5 yo and 3.5 yo and both extremely intelligent, they are capable of doing this.
Let’s please not turn the Comments into a vaccine debate. That is not the point of this post. We reduce and delay our shots, these were the last on my well-researched list, and we have family that lives abroad so it was important to get these in before we saw everyone at the holidays and my kids were exposed to things they normally would not be in this country.
To all of you who expressed love and concern for Amelia last week, my family thanks you.
I will thank you in advance for being respectful with your Comments.
201 Responses to “Everything Was Fine Until It Wasn’t: What Happend at the Doctor”
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Thank you for this post…as a nurse I appreciate your child’s fright and think that this situation could have been handled so differently.
I apologize for nurse’s who have forgotten how to touch their patients whether it is an adult or a child.
Children should be treated with respect and understanding along with an understanding of their developmental age and stage.
Your daughter will hopefully process this event with your guidance but I am afraid that she will not trust healthcare workers, doctors and nurses for a while.
I have experience with children who have developed a paralyzing fear of medical procedures and doctor visits due to childhood experiences that were unavoidable. These are children who were injured and needed invasive procedures.
I can totally understand your memories of rape invading your mind as you watched this event unfold…your child was violated…it is good that she can talk about it.
Hopefully, you understanding her feelings and validating of them will help her. I am sure that you know that it is important not to let her hear your horror over the event so that it does fuel her anger. It will be a fine balance for you to support her anger but not encourage her to hold onto it.
My good thoughts to you and your daughter….by the way, how old is she?
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melissa Reply:
November 9th, 2011 at 12:26 am
Hi Lorette -
My daughter is five and a half years old. She seems to still be doing well, and in a couple of days we are going to visit a friend at work who is a nurse so that Amelia can just walk around and say hello and get hugs from all of the nurses. She is going to bring her beloved stuffed bunny and my friend is going to help her give a check up. We’re hoping bit by bit we can build trust back up.
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Susan Reply:
November 14th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
I love, love, love this reply. I do volunteer work at our local hospitals under circumstance that are very difficult for the families, the nurses and the volunteers. From what I have seen most nurses are or have the capabilities to be angels here on earth. I know everyone can see what they do as “just a job” and become closed off to the people they serve, but I have seen what truly good nurses can do and have come away humbled that they do it everyday. Lorette, you sound like one of those nurses and God bless you. Doctors and nurses that deal with children should be able to put themselves in the child’s place. If not, they need to work with other patients besides children. Adults prefer a nurse that can empathize also, but at least they are not easily traumatized by one. Mom, I can tell you as someone who is one of the 1 in 4, you are doing the right thing. Until they can protect themselves they have no advocates better suited than their parents. No one knows you child like you do. And you are teaching her to protect herself. Sounds like a new doctor is in order…
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Hello,
I just want to say while reading this post I could feel my cheeks getting hot and my stomach getting sick. I also have a little girl and I would be livid if that happened to her.
I am so sorry she and you had to experience that.
I wish you luck in finding a new practice that will treat your daughter and you with respect and care.
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I really appreciate your blog and this is an important post. I totally agree with you- the way those nurses handled the situation was traumatic and unacceptable. It reminded me of an experience I had at my first prenatal visit when I was pregnant with my first child. The doctor was cold and distant and during the exam she inserted her fingers into my rectum without warning me first, and when I cried out she told me to be quiet and stop moving. I begged her to stop and she did not, then finally went from that to a vaginal exam as barked “what’s wrong with you?!” because I couldn’t stop crying. Even though I was an adult I felt totally violated and was so upset that as soon as I was out of her office I started throwing up. I am an adult, I know the exam was for medical purposes but I felt totally violated and traumatized- so i cannot even imagine how it must feel for a five year old when a stranger violates their control over what’s happening to their body. I think this is a really important issue and I’m so glad you brought it up.
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melissa Reply:
November 12th, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Hi Kristina -
That is really upsetting, and the doctor’s demeanor was horrible. I’m very sorry you had that experience. I think I would have felt and reacted the same way you did. I hope you have been able work through the trauma feelings, and that you found a much better OB!
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i don’t have a child yet but this for sure is great head up, that i will keep in mind. thanks for sharing your story.
Violet´s last blog ..Ways To Boost Fertility
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My heart goes out to Amelia. What a heartbreaking story. And it could all be avoided with the proper training of medical staff. Compassion…well, I don’t know if you can teach that, but you can teach common civility. As the mom of needle-phobe (and a recovering one myself!…at age 5 I squarely kicked a male nurse where he ought not have been kicked…and still remember the needle breaking in half in my knee)…I completely sympathize. Here’s hoping it gets better for Amelia. It did for me and did for my now 11 yr. old (finally…and with MUCH support, much role-playing, many tears, and some VERY loving, kind and understanding medical folks…oh, and a little bit of EMLA CREAM, too….look into it!).
As for the whole “violation” thing, I know that you are addressing it with a vengeance. You are a great mom and terrified kids (or any kids, for that matter) should not be treated as if they are non-entities. Oh, there is a laundry list of issues that this doctor’s office should take note of. How very sad, disappointing and DISGUSTING. (We had a similar situation with a dentist.)
Melissa, I am sorry you were raped and that this triggered that for you as well. I hope that justice was served in that situation.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Wendy
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Oh how awful. I truly felt sick and horrified that these people are nurses. I am a nurse and everyone requires a unique approach. We are all time poor and busy but we are in the business of human service. That is our core business and no matter what we should at all times remember that aspect, not view our role as nothing more than a series of tasks.
To date I have only ever encountered one Dr who lead to misdiagnosis and a collapsed lung for my child, never again will I allow myself to be run roughshod over by so said professionals. It is unfortunate that it always takes an adverse event to give us this strength.
I am a mother of two little girls and recently had an unfortunate event happen to my four year old. It was perpetrated by the 12 year old son of a friend, no longer will we see this family as I promised my child to always keep her safe and that she would not have to see someone that hurt her.
I hope you take care of yourself and allow yourself time to heal from this event. xxx
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Reading this upset me on several levels. I am a nurse. I am a mother. I have two daughters who are petrified of needles.
As a nurse I was appalled by how you (all of you) were treated by those “nurses”…I hesitate to use that word without quotes when references them because, they didn’t “nurse” that day – they bullied! To nurse is to nurture and care for and heal…those people did nothing of the sort – I am grateful you informed the physician of their behavior and I am not surprised they denied it.
As a mother my heart cried for what you were suffering for your daughter. Seeing a child suffer – any kind of suffering – is uber painful for the mom. Because I was lucky enough to have TWO girls afraid of needles I most certainly feel your pain on this one! It’s a fear I cannot comprehend as I have never been bothered by shots…but both of my girls completely meltdown when faced with immunizations, or injections of any kind…the last time I was present (both are adults now) for a shot my younger daughter was 13 and needed the Hepatitis series of 3…i was there for the first shot. She hyperventilated and shook all over and cried hysterically. The nurse practitioner was called back into the room by the nurse (who gave her best efforts to calm Katie down) and she was amazing. She spoke in soft tones and stroked Katie’s hand (I had her other one) and they decided on an imagery exercise to talk her through the shot – after 45 minutes it was done and on the ride home Katie cried again – this time because she felt like an idiot for being such a baby…she used that imagery technique for the 2nd and 3rd shots (my mom took her for those as I was working) and had no problems. I request that nurse practitioner now – she won me over that day. Both she and the RN who tried first gave it their all and were calm presences for my daughter.
What your daughter experienced was WRONG and those women should never be allowed to do that to anyone else – I would consider it an assault of sorts. The word NO was uttered…YOU (as the patients parent) were obviously upset – they had no right to continue forward and SHOULD have taken a step back. Their behavior gives nursing as a profession a bad name and it makes me sick.
When I give shots…I ask my patients about fears or hesitations, if they don’t want to see the needle – I make it happen. If they prefer to watch, fine. If they are beyond afraid – I sit them down and we talk a bit (I am learning Healing Touch and find this helps calm nervous patients) before I proceed. I’ve learned techniques that lesson the discomfort of the actual injection (can’t help what happens once the medication goes in). There is a right way and a wrong way to go about this…what you experienced was wrong. I am so sorry that someone walking around calling themselves “nurse” did that to you!
=)
Shelly
p.s. a little irony to add humor – both of my girls have multiple tattoos…guess they aren’t so much afraid of needles anymore huh?!?! ;0)
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Thank you so much for this blog post. It was pretty tough to read — I’m not a parent, but I’m a sexual abuse survivor, and I have a lot of anxiety with stuff like getting shots, even now. (I used to have similar difficulty taking pills, until my mother realized that having to bodily hold me down was too much work for something that I’d only vomit up from fear anyway.) Open communication about this stuff with kids is something we all should be doing, and I’m so glad that you are.
(Also, your little girl sounds fantastic! Toad-mailing!)
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melissa Reply:
November 20th, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Thank you, Alex!
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Forgive me, but I just can’t understand why you didn’t intervene on behalf of your child. The entire narrative is about how the nurse violated her trust by forcing her, but in fact it was you, the parent, who had the power to stop the situation, and you didn’t. Why? You go on and on about being your child’s advocate but in this situation you just let the nurse do whatever she wanted to her. I’m completely baffled. It does your child no good if they are taught to “speak up,” if no matter how much they speak up, you let whoever do whatever they want anyway. YOU’RE the one who violated your daughter’s trust, not the nurse.
(You mention being triggered, but if you were so frozen you were unable to help your daughter, it’s certainly not clear from what you wrote.)
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melissa Reply:
November 20th, 2011 at 7:20 pm
No, Violet, the nurse did not do whatever she wanted to my child. I stopped the nurse from tearing off my daughter’s pants. I did intervene on behalf of my child.
Then my daughter said the same words I did, 15 years ago while I was being raped. So I suppose you skipped over the part where I said that I couldn’t speak for a moment. And you skipped over the parts where I said my head swirled and I went numb and was trying not to cry.
Once Amelia was laying on the table (and had stopped fighting) and the nurses had backed off, I put my face next to hers, gathered my wits, reassured her, and then it was me who gently removed my daughter’s pants. I cradled her while the nurses then quickly administered the shots. My child was never held down or forcibly kept still. My child never left my arms. I did not violate her trust.
It was never my intention to stop the shots. I was trying to calm and reassure Amelia and get the situation of a terrified child and very rude nurses under control. It didn’t go exactly as planned, but I did the best I could in an impossible situation. I understand how easy it is for you to judge and berate a woman whom you have never met with the clarily of disinvolvement, but understand that I did the best I could in an extremely emotionally stressful situation.
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Violet Reply:
November 20th, 2011 at 11:39 pm
I reread it and reread it before I made my comment, and it just doesn’t read that way at all. I would be extremely sympathetic to you if you had written “my child had a horribly violating experience at the doctor, and I feel terrible because due to my past history of trauma, I froze up and was unable to intervene for her the way I should have.” However, you seem to want us to congratulate you for having your child go through with having her pants taken off and getting shots against her will. That’s why I say it’s you, not the nurse, that violated her trust. You wrote that your child was pleading with you to stop, that she was bucking off the table and screaming NO and then: “Amelia, I know you are scared. It is okay. Mommy is going to undo your button and I am going to wiggle your pants under your bum and you are going to get your shots.” Amelia’s eyes were rolled back in her head, and she was crying, but in a way that was more like moaning now,” and that’s when she got the shots. How in the world could anyone think that she was okay with that? It seems pretty clear to me that she wasn’t–it sounds much more like you just wore her down and forced her, even though I do understand that maybe that wasn’t your intent and you were traumatized yourself. You even wrote “he had stopped fighting at that point, she had given up.” Is it supposed to be okay because you forced her instead of the nurse? The nurse has no right to pull down her pants but you do? I don’t get it.
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when i was a child (probably younger than yours) i got so tense I BROKE the needle as the person was giving me some shot. to this day i can’t watch as a needle goes in my body, but i have gotten to the point where a blood draw every year or two is ok.
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Melissa-I’m sorry this happened to your daughter. However, I have to agree with violet’s sentiments. From your account it sounds like you weren’t able to advocate for your
kiddo. We also delay vaccinations; I just had to tKe my very reluctant five
and three year olds in for shots. My three year old
hates them. I had to pull down her pants and restrain her as I
quietly explained in her ear that she needed a shot
to make sure she doesn’t get measles, and that babies can’t get these shots, so we have to
keep them safe. She whacked me in the head in her struggle to get free.
Point being we make choices for our kids. We need to own them. I think it would be a lot better for your daughter to hear that you should’ve stopped the appointment, that you heard her
upset, but were unable to help, but that in the future you’re more prepared, than to blame some
nurses.
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melissa Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 9:05 am
Hi Erin -
Thanks for the added judgement. I think I have owned where I made the mistakes that morning. I think I have admitted things did not go like I thought they would. And I don’t think you have been privy to the conversations my daughter and I have had after the appointment, where we did talk about how things should have gone differently, and what each of us could have done.
I blame the nurse — focus now — on the ONE specific moment of this story — the one where she said she was going to rip my daughter’s pants off and stick her with the needle while the child hung in my arms, still moving and kicking. Aside from this being unbelievably unprofessional, it is unsafe to stick a needle into someone not laying/sitting still because the point could break off in the muscle. THAT moment is what this post is about. THAT is what I blame the awful nurse for.
The rest of the appointment was upsetting, but once the nurses had backed off and Amelia had calmed, the rest of the appointment and administration of the shots went more or less by the book and I didn’t take issue with that part. I have conferred with three other nurses and two doctors about what happened that morning and have been assured I was not in the wrong, and was given a list of options the nurses could have taken to ease my daughter’s discomfort.
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I had a similar experience at the age of four. I was being tested for hypoglycemia and by the last test, the combination of having had at least five needles injected into me that day and extremely low blood sugar from medical fasting, I had had too much. This was close to twenty years ago, and someone had the wise idea to separate me from my parents, making it all the more scary. I am sorry that your daughter had to experience this. I honestly believe that part of the problem is that we, more often then not, are told since high school, that there will always be jobs in nursing. Therefore, some people go into it not because they want to be a nurse, but because they know that there will always be a job, and they often don’t ask themselves if they have the necessary compassion and patience to respect the human dignity of those they are treating, even in the most difficult situations.
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I was led to this post after I went through a similar experience with my son a week ago. A doctor wrenched him from my arms, forced him onto the table, and held him down in order to do an exam. My 3 yo son (who is very sensitive and very strong-willed, and very afraid of doctors and really any situation out of his everyday realm)screamed bloody murder the entire time. I was in complete shock that it was happening, trying to console him, yet processing the fact that this should NOT be happening. (I am not a rape survivor, but I do have social anxiety and find it very difficult to speak to people who may be viewed in a role of authority. It is something I have been working on tremendously since becoming a mother.)
It took the doctor doing it again (same visit) for a throat swab to snap me out of my shock and get my child the hell out of there. But not before telling the doctor exactly why I was reading.
So I am so sorry that you and your daughter went through this. And I am so sorry that some of these women are judging you so harshly and telling you it was all your fault. They are obviously lucky enough to have never been in a situation like this one. One where you are so shocked that your body, your mind, your everything just freezes for a moment. And it can only take a moment for a child to feel violated.
My son and husband and I have had many talks since that day about why what the doctor did was wrong, how his old doctor used to do things (we just moved), and the fact that we will be finding him a “nice doctor” very soon.
I respect that you have taken the time to talk to your child about their bodies and how they should be treated. It is something I plan to do with my son. But I have not found the right way yet, as he is so sensitive, I am afraid he will become too afraid.
I hope your daughter has forgotten the whole thing and that you never experience anything like this again.
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melissa Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Jen -
I am so sorry about what happened with your son. It is so hard, isn’t it, when you are experiencing something traumatic in your own head, but also have to “Mom” and be present for a little body who solely depends on you in that moment…..I really appreciate your kind words and your understanding.
I’m glad you and your husband have talked over with your son the ways that he was disrespected, and I wish you luck in your search for a new doctor who will care for him as a small human being, and not just a “patient file”.
You know your son best, but please make sure you do start the conversation with him about his body belonging to him. I can help you with ways to frame the conversation in a positive way.
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I think your first mistake was going to a clinic that “meets your vaccination decisions with indifference”. Find a doctor/clinic that truly respects your decisions – they are much more likely to respect your children as well.
At my son’s preschool physical, the doctor attempted to examine his junk. When he said, “no”, the pediatrician looked at me for support. I simply said, “he said no.”
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melissa Reply:
December 4th, 2011 at 8:30 pm
You do have a point! Luckily our health insurance is changing a bit and a new clinic under a different medical group is opening up in a month. When this incident happened, there was really only one show in town. I’m very much looking forward to having more (better) options.
I love that story about your son. Brava!
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This is a heartbreaking and insightful post. I was that child. I’m also at risk of being the mother who goes against my instincts and allows my child’s wishes to be disrespected. I have a seven-year-old and I’m pregnant again. I think that we too will probably be doing delayed/extended vax to some extent, but it leaves me in a quandry as to what to do if I have a child who has the same fears that I did as a child. In all honesty, I don’t think I can justify the certain psychological harm for a reduction in risk of physical harm. I can explain, I can persuade, but I don’t think I can override my child’s wishes once he/she is old enough to express them.
I have a dreadful fear of hospitals. It is one of many reasons that this birth, my third, will be a home birth. Just the smell of them is enough to trigger me. I feel as though the midwife I had with my daughter raped me. I was sensitive to anything like that beforehand, and she made it worse. I hate her. I hate anyone who would deprive me of my rights to MY body. I remember horrific fights with my mother, a nurse, when I had to get shots or blood draws. I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I remember the hostility it caused between us. Thank you for this blog. I need to listen to, and respect my daughter more.
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Melissa, I am so sorry, both for what happened to you and your daughter at the Dr and for the totally unnecessary way some people have attacked you in these comments. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great mum and a strong advocate for girls everywhere. God be with you and your family.
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[...] that their bodies belong to them alone. Respect them when they say “no”, even if it is at a doctor’s office for needed shots and even with hug-inclined relatives over the holidays. An adult’s hurt feelings is worth [...]
I have been the child on the receiving end of that needle and I still struggle with needles to this day because of it. I have no idea what will happen to your daughter and I hope she will not harbor such feelings in the future. One thing I take away here is there really is nothing a parent can do other than try to empower the child to do what needs to be done and face the fear. Otherwise taking a child’s power away like this will most likely show a similar result for any child in this situation. Maybe at various levels as it was with your son in comparison to your daughter. Still, I believe it sets up a relationship to the event and the circumstances that may produce that fearful reaction in the future. We all feel anxious at the Dr’s office for some reason or another and my guess is it relates to our own past experiences. What interests me the most here is your disclosure of a deeply horrifying event that came up for you amidst the shots being forcefully given. What was triggered for you was emulating the fear your daughter was experiencing in that moment. Not to be too forward but, in my experience we adults carry many traumas and our children will often try to work them out. Its no accident in my opinion that this happened and its a great opportunity for you and your daughter to recognize a deeply traumatic event that is in your family field. Your personal Trauma as a rape victim was basically replayed in that moment with your daughter’s equivalent terror. I highly recommend that you work with that energy that came up for you and I will bet anything that your daughter will experience a deep relief here as well. It may be hard to test this theory but these things are absolutely tied together here and the nurse was just a pawn in a deeply important family story here. Once you can begin to shift your own terror about your past Trauma of the rape you spoke of, your daughter will experience freedom as well. All the best with this and many blessings to you and yours.
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I absolutely agree with you. When I was a little girl, my parents told my brother and me that we had voices, that we were people, and that no one was allowed to touch us if we didn’t want them to. Not only did they say that they’d always have our back if it was my brother’s or my word versus an adult’s, they lived by it. If someone made either of us uncomfortable, they stressed that it was important to listen to that feeling, because we had it for a reason. My mom explained everything to me, so I knew about bodies and how they worked (as well as how to tell if something was wrong). She also gave me the “you’re the queen of your body” talk, which I plan to give my own kids someday. Basically, what you’re doing with your children is what my parents did with my brother and me. Both of us are now grown, and we turned out well. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to ignore your kids in situations like this. They’ll remember that you stood up for them, that you considered their thoughts and feelings valid, and feel more able to trust you later in life because of it.
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