Several people sent me this post over the weekend, and it has bugged me for days. The post talks about how this particular mother of a little girl is tired of feeling like she has to defend her daughter’s love of all things hyper-girly: pink, feathery, sparkly, princessy. I’m confused who she is forced to defend her child to, as most of our society right now seems to celebrate the uber-girly in girls with our Diva Shopaholic Princess Culture ruling girlhood. And womanhood, for that matter. More women can name the three Kardashian sisters before they can name three women in Congress. While at the Natural History Museum in DC this weekend, my daughter received dozens of compliments from strangers on her red sparkle shoes and zero compliments her awesome tee featuring seven different kinds of whales. Isn’t it ironic.
I can understand any parent who becomes irked when they feel their child’s interests are mocked or belittled. I can understand any parent becoming defensive of their child when that child’s personality is said to be undesirable. As parents, that is our job, to love our children well.
The thing is, no one is saying that being a girly-girl is undesirable, which is what that post alludes to. The mom who wrote it seems to misunderstand the “current conversation about girlhood” to be about the experts being anti-girly. We’re not. Almost all of the experts in the field are women, so we were at one time, girls. A great majority of us are raising our own little girls or have grown daughters, some with little girls of their own. We do this because we love girls and all things girlhood. Some of these little girls like princesses and pink and chess and Star Wars. Others like building and superheroes and guitars. Still more like science and sparkles and dolphins. And you know what? They are ALL girls. There isn’t any one way to be a girl.
It seems as if our girls today aren’t hyper-girly, they get labeled ‘tom-boy’. I take issue with that. It suggests to a girl that her interest in construction or Star Wars or sports or mud puddles or bugs or the ocean or chemistry or electric guitars is boyish, and she isn’t a “real girl”. How insulting is that? Why do the princess girls get to monopolize girlhood and define what it means? My daughter is no less a girl than yours, despite her complete lack of interest in princesses and tween pop-stars and kitten heels.
Why am I seeing so many posts lately from moms of the princess girls turning on moms of the ‘tom-boys’, and vice versa? Sisterhood, Ladies. We need to stick together on this one, for our girls. Let’s not turn this into a continuation of the Mommy Wars. How about we not box each other in. How about we accept each other’s daughters as our own, and work together to give them the healthiest childhood we can.
What those of us who are working so hard to elevate this conversation of girlhood want is for two things to take place:
1) We widen our definition of “girly” so that it includes ALL types of girls, and not just the tiara, tutu wearing kind.
2) We give our girls more choices early into their childhood so that they can craft for themselves who they are and what they like.
(Psst – we want the same things for our sons, but today we’re talking about girls.)
I want more than the color pink to be an option when looking for products for my daughter. I’m fine if it is one option, but not the only option. My daughter loves blue. She is a girl.
I want character choices for girls to extend beyond princess or ballerina. Mix in a doctor, scientist, engineer, and a businesswoman.. My daughter wants to be an oceanographer. She is a girl.
I want girls to be marketed more than cupcakes and kittens and butterflies. I like all three of those things. So does my daughter. We also like rocket ships and airplanes and trains and ships. We are girls.
I want a break from the fashion and looks-obsessed messages that saturate girlhood. I think we all could use a break from the too sexy, too soon marketing and products.
I am happy your daughter likes princesses. If you can say honestly that you’ve offered her an entire world of color and toys and from all of those choices, she chose princesses, pink, and sparkles…well then bless her little heart. We are seeing her true self shine through, and now it is the job of your family to offer her new experiences and stories and ideas inside of her self-appointed interests and likes. If you allowed her to be doused and dripping with pink and nothing but pink from birth and have given her nothing but a diet of princesses and fashion dolls, I gotta be honest, that isn’t great.
Here’s the part where the not-greatness comes in: The current marketplace has a very narrow and limited definition of what it means to be female. This is true whether you are three or thirty three. Most of this is focused on beauty, vapidness, and obtaining things and men. Whether it is little plastic Disney Princess kitten heels, My Little Ponies with those “Come hither” twinkly eyes also found on Bratz and Moxie Girls, Barbies dressed is suggetive clothing, Disney Princesses with their spacey smiles and delicately poised hands, the sexist marketing of Lego Friends, or clothing and shoes that constrict play movement…..ALL of those products send girls one message: How you look is more important than who you are or what you do.
That message is a form of sexualization. The post I first mentioned mocks this point, but the dangers of early sexualization are real, they are serious, and it is something parents could definitely cry themselves to sleep over. Poor body image, disordered eating and Eating Disorders, early sexual experiences, low school performance, dropping of activities and sports in high school, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, interference with a healthy development of sexuality, self-objectification….need I go on? Those things are happening to our girls in staggering numbers, and I don’t think any of it is something to be flippant about. Your daughter has the right to adore princesses and feather boas and sparkly wands. The Princess Culture being marketed to girls ends abruptly somewhere in early elementary, and immediately graduates young girls into teenage-dom when they are not developmentally ready for it. The focus now shifts to being pretty and looking sexy. Not feeling sexy, just looking it. Big problems result.
Hopefully you’ve given your daughter a greater variety of compliments beyond what a pretty princess she is, and you’ve encouraged her to widen her princess role play to include a princess who is generous, smart, brave, and a good leader of her people.
The experts aren’t asking for girls to abandon all things princess, pink, and sparkly. This isn’t about gender neutrality or doing away with gender. It is about not having our children defined by their gender.
We are asking parents to be prepared and to be creative. We are asking parents to offer a great range of toys and colors and themes for learning for their children. We are asking parents to think beyond the messages marketed, and give their children a well-rounded childhood. As parents, it is our job to offer the world to our children, teach them how to devour it with their curiosity, and then give them the space to digest in the form of play and make believe. There is no boy side or girl side to early childhood, there is just childhood, right down the middle.
So maybe my daughter is running outside with the boys in her mud-caked Hello Kitty rain boots and beloved T-Rex tank top playing ninjas or hunting frogs. I’m sure they’d love for your tulle-wearing, wand-carrying, tiara-crowned gal to join them, if nothing more than for the added noise and ability to put a spell on a frog should they ever catch one. Maybe your princess girl will get a little bit dirty. Maybe she’ll get filthy. Maybe she’ll show everyone up and be the best ninja frog catcher of the group. I’m hoping while the kids go crazy outside, the mothers are smiling at their joy, instead of judging themselves, each other, and each other’s children. I’m willing to bet the kids will have a marvelous time together. I’m sure we’re all hoping the rascals don’t track all of that mud into the house.
There is more than one way to be a girl. Let’s not fight over what “girly” means.
Let’s fight for our girls to make sure that definition includes the entire world for them, and then gently hold their hand as they make their way through it and define for themselves who they will be.
- This is Amelia being girly. She is a girl.
63 Responses to “Your Daughter Doesn’t Have To Apologize for Anything”
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I dunno, I kind of identify with the mom in the blog you posted! My older girl is way into pink and sparkles, and given a choice, will pick a tutu over anything else. I’m kind of embarrassed when I take her out in public, but not for her, for me. I feel like I have to say “she picked this, this is her choice, I didn’t force her into the pink tutu and tiara.” My girl also likes horses and loves catching bugs, and as a “crunchy” mom, I feel like those are seen as admirable traits among the other crunchy moms and proof that I’m doing a “good job” and her love of ballet and Abby Cadabby as proof that I’ve failed, in their eyes.
It’s just more of the mommy wars, alas.
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Amanda Reply:
January 31st, 2012 at 11:24 am
I can identify with the other mom, too. But I also see where many of her underlying assumptions about “the current conversation about girlhood” are flawed. I too have sometimes wondered if I needed to defend my daughter’s pink and frilly choices to other like-minded moms, but then I realized it wasn’t her I was trying to defend. It was myself, because I think a lot of my own reputation as an advocate for gender neutrality. But what sets us (you, me, everyone who would read and appreciate Pigtail Pals) apart from other moms is that we’re very philosophical about our parenting, and we’re not afraid to evaluate every parenting decision we make. I don’t think any of us “force” our daughters to explore traditionally male roles, we just encourage openness. I think there are a handful of people who force their children into “opposite” gender roles or criticize parents who don’t.
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melissa Reply:
January 31st, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Exactly. The only thing I force my children to do is wear underwear.
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My princess girl will go hunt frogs, or pythons with your ocean girl ANY time! She’s a lover of fluff and scales. While she naturally prefers the pink, I always off the other color choices, and she knows that she doesn’t always have to choose the pink. That’s the big thing, is that she knows that she isn’t supposed to choose the pink (and all that the pink stands for) she chooses it because she likes it, or yellow, or blue, or green.
There are very rarely one type of anything, or a “normal” anything. Why are we forcing our girls, and the girls of others into boxes. The problem isn’t being attracted to the My Little Ponies it’s that they are teaching our girls “come hither stares” and “eff me eyes” that’s unacceptable. I don’t think my daughter’s love of pink is holding her back. But the products that are pink and only pink are holding her back. The products that sell her out are holding her back. Pink has no power we don’t give to it, it’s a color.
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M Dubz Reply:
May 17th, 2012 at 7:10 pm
I totally agree with this post, but I wanted to make one comment about My Little Pony, because I think that moms of girls, in dismissing the new series, could be missing out on a great resource to show resilient, well-rounded girlhood.
The main characters of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic are each unique characters with strengths and weaknesses who work together, fight monsters, bake cakes, and save the day without any help from boys. One is the smartest pony in town, another loves bunnies and other cuddly animals, two own their own businesses (one is a fashion designer and the other runs an apple orchard), one loves throwing parties for her friends, and one is an award winning athlete. Some of them are very girly and love fashion and boys, others could not care less. And they are all best friends, which shows that people of different temperaments can get along.
Yes this is kind of a long-winded comment defending a show about cartoon ponies, but it is honestly one of the best examples I think I have seen of a well rounded female ensemble cast either in children’s or adult’s television. I suggest you watch a few episodes on youtube; I think you’ll want to show them to your daughter, or just watch yourself!
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I don’t always agree with everything that you write, and if I did, I would begin to question my ability to think for myself. The reason I continue to read your blog and follow you on FB is because I believe that my daughter should not be limited by her gender. This is the message that I see you putting out there, and I appreciate it. My daughter is amazing, strong, and beautiful. No one has the right to make her feel ashamed for the things that she likes/loves or wants to do. On occasion I also feel like I need to defend her right to choose pink, but I am not going to argue or make a fuss over it. In our house she is free to choose, and I will fight for that right to the end. I agree with you, Melissa, that we as women need to unite, and fight for our girls’ ability to be who they want to be. So thank you. BTW, Eva (my daughter) wants to be an astronaut at 2.5 years old. I cannot wait to see what she chooses next
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Normally your posts get me thinking, but this one just has me nodding in agreement! I have never been a ‘girly-girl’ and my daughter is totally one. Just the way we are. Experience & exposure is very important to me for my children. I am letting them experience a variety and hope they find something they love!
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In response to the moms who feel they have to be defensive: Who cares what other people think? I mean, really. Are we still in high school?
My daughter often goes out wearing goofy stuff that doesn’t match doesn’t fit the day’s activities quite right. I often join her in this. We celebrate the fun in that because I want her to love what she’s doing, not worrying what her mom or dad is thinking the stranger at Walmart is going to say. If we’re not modelling self-confidence, how are they going to learn it?
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I almost always agree you the posts on this blog – but this time I feel conflicted. I want to offer more sympathy to the author of the other post. I think when you ask “who she is forced to defend her child to,” it is both an excellent, on-point question, and perhaps a little pessimistic. Counter-culture is a powerful thing, and for those of us who identify with it, it can sometimes be more powerful than the dominant culture. For example…
From a very early age, I loved the color pink. I don’t remember my mom forcing me towards the “girly” stuff, but I can’t say for certain that she didn’t. However, as I got older, I started to feel embarrassed for liking pink – liking pink was “girly” and being “girly” was lame and fake, according to the philosophy of my female classmates. Purple was a safer choice; it didn’t have as “girly” a connotation as pink. Blue was the best and most popular color; it was the color that said you were a cool “not-girly” girl who still wasn’t a tomboy. I pretended to be a purple-loving girl because of the Pink Stigma. I even had my room painted lavender. This all took place between the ages of, approximately, 7 and 13. Around 13, I dared to by a pink shirt, and my mom smiled and said, You never wear pink anymore. It looks nice. I discovered that pink was allowed, and the next time someone asked my favorite color, I said pink. It’s my favorite color to this day, not because it should be, but because I finally dared to stand up against the Pink Stigma among my “not-girly” peers and own it as a color that is not girly or boyish, its just a color. And a very beautiful one, if I do say so myself.
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Richele -
I think if you were to visit any Big Box shop you would very quickly see the hyper-girly and pink are far, far from the counter-culture. That IS girl culture, at least the way it is marketed. My question isn’t pessimistic, I really want to know, with over 40,000 Disney Princess items on the market and pink being used to identify EVERYTHING girly, who is she having to defend her daughter to? Her daughter is exactly the way both marketers and society tell her she should be. Hopefully the child is just being herself, and she is happy and well-loved. I am sure she is both. But I can’t imagine her mom having to take flack for having a princess girl.
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Jennifer Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 1:30 pm
That would really depend on where she lives and who she her friends and family are though. Maybe she is surrounded by the uber-feminist. Just a thought. I clearly don’t know her or anything about her.
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Emily Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 2:01 pm
FWIW, I read the counter-culture comment as meaning identifying with *us* as the counter-culture and wanting to offer her daughter, while still liking certain things that are pushed by the dominant culture, i.e. pink, and feeling judged for that.
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Lori Day Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Given my experience in Costco, there are plenty of pink princesses out there. This is now absolutely mainstream and you have to go out of your way to dress or be anything *else*. I don’t get the mother’s concern either.
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Richele Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 7:36 pm
Just to clarify, I meant Counter Culture as in the kind of things on this blog, but these were more like the ideas around me. It might not have been the norm, but it was the norm in my world; among my friends it was way cooler to be a Pigtail Pals kind of girl than a “girly” girl. I absolutely agree that, in general, the traditional “girly” is everywhere – hence my love of Pigtail Pals!
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Ooooooooohhhhhhh. Gotcha! I read that in the total opposite way. I grew up like you did, it was cooler to be Pigtail Pal-ish than a girly-girl. But one of my best friends growing up was a girly-girl. We were each others yin and yang and got along famously. We’re still friends today!
P.S. I LOVE the “This is Being Girly” collage. Awesome!
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Thank you!
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Perhaps she is defending herself against rhetoric that comes from blogs like this. When trying to come across as someone who is working to unite you really shouldn’t start off an address with “I’m confused who she is forced to defend her child to, as most of our society right now seems to celebrate the uber-girly in girls with our Diva Shopaholic Princess Culture ruling girlhood. And womanhood, for that matter. More women can name the three Kardashian sisters before they can name three women in Congress. ”
-and really “most of our society”? Talk about a blanket stereotyping.
Blogs like this are the creation of stereotyping at their finest. You are confusing your own beliefs with being the “right” beliefs and therefore setting the way for another whole problem.
Shameful.
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Toni -
Go take a stroll through any department store or toy aisle of your choice, and then come back and tell me girls are marketed things beyond fashion, beauty, princess, and domestic bliss. These are the things most people purchase for their daughters, which is why the stores carry it. It is a reflection via consumerism on how society views girls, hence my shameful blanket stereotype.
And then tell me your three favorite Congresswomen. Without using Google.
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Yvonne Solis Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 2:48 pm
I would suggest that the happy medium is to explore with your daughter why the makers of girl’s things think they have to be pink, or fashionable, or princessy, or domestic related. When you discuss things together, even at an early age, two things happen; you get a chance to impart your value as a parent, and you diminish the power of the marketing ploys. It might not be possible to change the corporate world, but you certainly can defuse their influence in a great way. And then go ahead and buy the pink legos if that’s what your daughter prefers.
And after she’s built the most fabulous pink castle, complete with the princess and prince, take her to a place where the two of you can discover who your three favorite Congresswomen are (and why). And then celebrate them often.
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Gragedanwyn Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 3:28 pm
I so agree with you on this, although I do think as a parent it’s also important for our voices to be heard by the powers that be. I’m so proud of my older daughter because we did (and continue to) have discussions like this. She’s learning to think critically and to question why? And if she doesn’t like the answer, she’ll question it some more and eventually make up her own mind on the subject.
melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:04 pm
My daughter wouldn’t build a pink castle and she doesn’t play princess, but I appreciate your point, and think you are spot on.
One of the themes of this blog is “media literacy”, which are the actions you describe in your first paragraph. My children and I deconstruct media and marketing on a daily basis, and we have been doing so since Amelia (my oldest) could talk. I agree that it is absolutely something parents should be doing from early ages.
[...] whole point of the idea of redefining girly as advocated by people like Melissa Wardy of Pigtail Pals is not to say that girls SHOULDN’T like pink, heck hot pink is my favorite color and I wear [...]
I’m confused that so many people seemed to have missed your message in this post Melissa. I can’t see how many of the commenters still take this as an attack, when it is very clear you are saying “pink is fine. Super girly is fine!” As long as it is one of a RANGE of choices. That’s an incredibly easy message to understand – but there’s obviously a lot of wilful misunderstanding out there.
Specifically in answer to Richele, I wanted to ask if perhaps the anti-pink situation was a rejection by her peers of being a young girl, and the move to a wider range of colours was a way of marking the transition to being a pre-teen and teen? I remember this being a big factor for us – we didn’t want to look like little girls, and I didn’t wear a skirt (or pink!) again for decades, it felt like. To be a little girl was so strongly identified with pink, and skirts, that you had to mark yourself out as having grown out of that phase, where I grew up at least.
I think the key to all of this – no mommy wars, no need to criticise anyone else’s choices – is to simply agree to embrace all of our children (girls or boys) as they ARE, as they want to be, whereever experimentation and individualism and personal preference might take them. Teach them to question marketing formulas, question popular culture etc, and ignore pressure from their peers, and make sure every adult understands that these children aren’t our possessions, or mere reflections of our selves, but their own, unique individuals.
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Jaq -
Thank you. I have no idea how this is being seen as an attack. “Wilful misunderstanding” hits it, though.
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Lori Day Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:01 pm
My email to you explains why I think this is happening.
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I think you guys are coming from the same place, but getting there different ways.
I have seen a LOT more in the media lately (especially since the Lego thing) about this subject, and I can kind of get where she’s coming from. There are things that my daughter likes that I feel like I have to apologize for sometimes. (*ahem* pageants *ahem*) Should I not let her do the things that interest her and bring her joy just because (some of) the media tells me I shouldn’t. I don’t think so. Do I still feel a little uncomfortable and defensive about is sometimes? Oh yeah.
I think our opinions and views are shaped and influenced by the people we love and admire. Sometimes when we, or our children, choose differently from that we do feel defensive about it. I think this is more of where she is coming from.
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 2:09 pm
LOL! But those emails over the pageants is what brought us together
And I totally met you half-way on that one. The pagent BG did was nowhere near a Toddlers & Tiaras fiasco. And if I recall, you did a really excellent job of helping shape the experience for her, and giving her strong, positive take-aways.
In serious, you and I are a great example of what I was talking about in the post. We don’t see eye to eye on everything, but we have a mutual respect for each other, as women and as mothers. So while we make different choices, we know that in the grand scheme of things our girls are wonderful people being raised with rich and diverse experiences.
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My daughter (25) sent me this blog and asked me for my opinion. My first exposure to gender bias was not so much the boy/girl comparison, but the good/bad judgement of physical characteristics. I love fairies; everything about them makes me smile – the myth, the magic and the glitteriness. Naturally, when my first born was a girl, I wanted her room to be a fairy haven. She was born with jet black hair and jet black eyes like her Dad. I envisioned a room with dark-haired fairies sprinkled playfully around her pretty room. Yeah, that’s when I learned that there are no dark haired “good” fairies. All the fairies in the marketing kingdom have glimmering-blond hair and deep-blue eyes that sparkle with cuteness. Except, of course, for the mischievous, evil, and wicked fairies – they ALL have dark hair. I have blue eyes and light-brown hair so I never noticed there were no darkies. Even in the land of My Little Ponies, all the dark-haired ponies were the “bad” ponies. That’s when I started paying attention to the insidious media messages so craftily forging our biases. So, rather than shield my daughter from the horrible, fair-haired mind-trips, I chose to teach her about them – as gently as possible. We spent many fun times discovering hidden prejudices in just about any medium, and just as much fun undoing them in her mind. If you look closely at ads and tv shows, you’ll see that the blondies are pretty, perky and fun while the darker girls are cute, mischievous (sometimes nasty) and studious most of the time, even 25 years after my first awareness.
I’ve had the joy of sharing her journey which has metamorphosed from a toddler imitating my breastfeeding of her brother with her favorite dolly (sometimes in public – the horror) to being the only girl on a baseball team who called her by the shortened, male version of her name; Vanessa to Vinny (which she basked in). Throughout her childhood, I supported her to the hilt and applauded the various versions of herself that she chose to express. I even admired her strong sense of self and couldn’t have been prouder. She seemed confident and kindly tolerant of her peer’s choices – until the later part of middle school. That’s when the identity crisis hits maximum-pressure for most girls, no matter how boldly they’ve been allowed to make positive self-choices. Sadly, the media images, biases, messages from other girls(and their moms)-and from BOYS – come blasting through the armor of even the strong-willed girls.
We cried, we fought, we laughed, we fought, we shared, and we fought until she emerged once again from the craziness of adolescence and could love herself once again. Today she is so beautiful – a champion of the under-dog, feminist and activist for girls and women. She is a flashy, brand-loving girly-girl on some days, and a serious boy-specific event-crasher on other days. She loves pink on some days and prefers black on others. She refs boys and girls hockey, coaches a girls’ hockey team, continues her education, works at a job she loves, and owns her own company, and argues with her boyfriend about keeping her own name in marriage. She has lofty goals which she may or may-not reach, but considers the journey her favorite part. Above all, and this is what I am most admiring of, she is a staunch fighter of tolerance in all things. She hates the “Mean Girl”, judgmental syndrome that for some-reason permeates female communities everywhere. I taught her to hate that!
It seems like up-hill battle most of the time, but what both my daughter and I wish to see someday is girls and women supporting other girls, and not focusing on if they’re too girly or not. Who the hell cares! What matters is that their underlying character is self-loving, tolerant and kind! With that foundation, she can truly be whoever she wants to be, with whomever she shares her life with.
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Some people just don’t get it and won’t. It’s a perfect example of the sexualization and objectification brought on by this early programming being a systemic issue. You ROCK and I totally get you! It’s not about saying pink and glitter is bad people, it’s about not LIMITING our children (girls AND boys)!!!
Saying that your daughter who likes pink and sparkly is girly then what does that mean to my daughter who may not?!!! Stop limiting the definition of what girly means and let your daughters choose for themselves and for pete’s sake stop apologizing for it!!
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Megan Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Pamela- that’s exactly what I was getting at! The problem is finding words with positive connotations to describe them, I don’t want to call her prissy because that implies she’s not out tromping in the mud. So instead I call her my lover of fluff.
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:01 pm
“Lover of fluff”, for the win!
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I totally agree with this article. I’ve given my girls tons of choice from day one so they could decide for themselves what they liked. I was against pink and all things princess and diva. I got a ton of slack from family and friends (most of whom had boys strangely). I had to constantly remind them that I am not stripping my girls of their femininity, I am simply not forcing a gender stereotype down their throats. If my girls like pink and princesses it is because they truly like pink and princesses NOT because society told them thay are supposed to.
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Lori Day Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:05 pm
This was my parenting experience as well. I found the opposite of what this mother in the article is saying. I had to defend to anyone and everyone why my daughter was not feminine *enough*, not wearing pink, not wearing dresses, not playing with dolls. THAT was the minority position, and I always felt like I was on the ropes.
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I may be out on a limb here, but why does any parent have to “defend” their daughter’s interests to anyone? Seriously. If you have a daughter that naturally gravitates towards pink, princesses, and all the stereotypically “girly” things, why does that have to be defended? To whom? And for what purpose? If you have a daughter that naturally gravitates towards blue, ningas, and all the stereotypically “tomboy” things, why does THAT have to be defended to anyone? I think we are all in agreement that this is a tough media environment in which to raise kids (girls AND boys), because the messages the media gives to all our children is so limited. I think we all also agree that as parents, offering our kids choices (both pink and blue), while carefully monitoring the age-appropriate messages in toys and books they consume is a good idea. And I think we can all agree that letting our children navigate their own interests, free from our own sometimes-forced biases, is a healthy way to engage and encourage our children to do what they enjoy. So what if a girl likes pink? So what if a boy likes fire trucks? SO WHAT? In our house, we’ve been diligent and careful about what we bring into our home and what our children watch on TV. We don’t have any Disney Princesses (for what should be obvious reasons), but my 3 year old still loves dressing up in pink tutus and wearing a crown on her head. She also loves playing soccer, building with blocks, learning to add on her abacus, and doing child-friendly science experiments. She is navigating her own way in the world, and I love watching her do it. She doesn’t need defending, to ANYONE. None of our children do. That probably sounds a little strong, but if we go around defending our child’s choices (usually in front of them), what message are we then telling our kids? That their choices aren’t ok- that we need to justify them in some way to other people. And I’m sorry, but I think that’s wrong.
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Tasha Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
I meant “ninjas”. I type to fast sometimes, haha.
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Great post and I don’t think you went far enough. I think parents are mistaken when they say, “well! That’s just how she is!”
This idea that daughters come to princesses and pink and tutus from some deep, intrinsic, creative place is mistaken. Girls come to this modern girl culture through marketing plain and simple. And while the mothers and fathers may not have gotten the ball rolling on it, grandparents, friends, TV, movies and teachers had a role to play. The blogger writes that her girl loved the girl legos because she identifies with girls. That’s true, science even shows that kids can identify like-gendered kids at a really young age.It’s not surprising that girls like the idea of playing with girl figures in the legos. But we then we have to ask ourselves, if my girl identifies with the toy girls, couldn’t those toy girls be doing something more interesting than drinking coffee, shopping, and branding themselves in pink and purple, which is what those girl Legos — and all those other “girl” toys — are doing.
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I think some moms are missing the point that the color Pink is not the issue. What’s at issue is what is being marketed to our girls at a very young age, and much of society buys into this image of what makes a girl a girl.
People have to be blind to not notice how many inappropriate things are out there for our girls. When my older daughter was little the pants with labels across the bottom were a huge thing. I went out of my way (not easy to do at the time) to find plain old pants for her. I didn’t think it was right for 6 yr old girls to be walking around with CUTE, PRECIOUS, or heaven forbid JUICY across their bottoms! I was surprised to see how many parents sent their elementary aged girls to school wearing clothes like that.
My older daughter is now a freshman in high school. I have watched over the years how girls her age have changed from happy go-lucky to fashion and boy obsessed with little to no other interests – and this started towards the end of elementary school. She has a friend who was afraid her boyfriend would hate her because she sucked at playing basketball in gym class. There were girls dressed like skanks (in my opinion) at school functions – lots of makeup, hair flat ironed, bra straps showing, bellies exposed – and this was in 8th grade (13-14 yr old girls.) I don’t believe it’s just “their age.”
Thankfully there are girls out there who have parents who believe in them for who they are, limit their exposure to what is being marketed to them (or at least are open and educate them about it) and these girls are comfortable being themselves whatever that may mean. It could be that they love to dress “girly”, or they find they are most comfortable in a pair of jeans. But what’s really important is that they have the self-esteem to know that what they like is ok – there’s nothing wrong with them for liking pink, there’s nothing wrong with them if they don’t. They are normal whether they want to dance, fly a plane, save the world, etc.
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Exactly – pink isn’t the issue. It is the messages behind the pink that are the problem.
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You know, I see both sides. Society as a whole truly oppress women and girls and there is a lot of great work being done to fight it, and a lot yet to come.
But I also feel for the mom who wrote the post that irritated you. My daughter isn’t a fan of pink (she would wear all black, all day everyday if I let her. Well, black and Scooby Doo.) She likes being fancy, but not enough to stay clean. Where I feel judged and frustrated is in personality. There is definitely a voice from this and similar blogs that an empowered girl speaks her mind! An empowered girl is outgoing! She can stand up for herself and slay any sexist dragon. She is rambunctious and borderline obnoxious, but it’s cute because she is bucking societal trends.
With this celebration of extroversion and outgoing nature, it implies that a girl who is quiet, shy, fond of books, who wants to care for everyone she meets, who possesses traditionally “feminine” traits has traits that are undesirable. She has been oppressed, and squashed, and taught to be a “good girl” when in fact, that’s how she was from the day she was born. I think this bias against the quiet and introverted is true in society as a whole, but is especially frustrating when it is implied that you are the exact opposite type of parent you work hard to be.
Beyond the judgment, a little “I hear ya. It is hard to be feel judged” would go a lot farther towards bringing people to the table to hea what needs to be said than “You’re wrong. You’re not being judged.”
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Like when I say, “I can understand any parent who becomes irked when they feel their child’s interests are mocked or belittled. I can understand any parent becoming defensive of their child when that child’s personality is said to be undesirable.” ?
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Jenn Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:25 pm
I agree with Roberta here, she stated my thoughts very well. I get your point that you just want to widen the choices for girls, and I 100% agree with you. SO, why publish a post like “Pretty in Pink at Costco” (parts 1 & 2)? That whole post seemed to do nothing but judge those moms (without talking to them at all!) and daughters for *gasp* wearing pink and talking about being pretty & princesses. It’s all presented from a “Can you believe this awful parenting” angle.
The writer (to be fair, it was a guest post) wraps it up with,
“If you are the kind of parent of who is inclined to look below the shiny surface of pop culture to understand the unhealthy role being played by money and corporations in the lives of girls and women, and are prepared to raise your daughter in ways that might occasionally make you look either out of touch or antagonistic to mainstream girl culture, then you will naturally question, question, question. If not, not.”
The implication being that if you DON’T look out of touch with mainstream girl culture, then you’re doing it wrong, and you are NOT questioning, and your parenting sucks. I do think there is lots of middle ground and it is possible to raise a girl who is both proud to be feminine and also push the boundaries of modern femininity.
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sue Carney Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 6:00 pm
I don’t think the Costco post eliminated the possibility of a middle ground at all. Unless you can see how far the line has gotten, how to you even know where the middle is? We have to question, otherwise we are not making our own parenting decisions at all. And from the Costco post, what I took away was that the pretty pink princesses were celebrated while the quiet smart girl was ignored. If that dynamic doesnt make a parent stop and think, that truly concerns me.
Women– in what box are you keeping these girls and thinking that your influence is their only cultural pressure? The pink-is-girl cultural messages are EVERYWHERE and kids are watching and soaking it all up from birth. Boys learn that pink is “bad” from subtle smirks on men’s faces and the fact that nothing on the packaging showing a boy has any of that color on it. Culture is everywhere. Even our reactions against the culture help point it out and increase its value. [Mom is suspect in countering my need to conform] Thanks, Melissa, for defending a broadened view of female appropriateness, but you original complainer is still deafened by the dominant culture and cannot “hear” you.
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I love this post! My daughter is a “girly girl” in so many ways — she loves pink and purple, she loves nail polish and jewelry and doing her hair. Her clothes have to be “just right” — and yet I can’t tell you how many of those “just right” clothes have been ripped because she was climbing a tree or doing rough and tumble play. She also loves dinosaurs — and knows so much about them. So often people see all that as a contradiction — but it’s not – it’s all a part of who she is — a complex human being.
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Well put, Melissa! We need to embrace girlhood in all of its incarnations, and take a stand against the limitations that can get placed upon the sisterhood.
In working with adolescent girls, one of the key themes that seems to emerge surrounding depression and anxiety in them is their relationships with other young women…the judgment, the gossip, the jealousy, the rumors, and of course, the pressure to live up to the media’s narrow definition of what defines women. It’s confusing and disheartening to SO many of our girls.
I always tell them, “NOBODY defines who you are by what they say. You SHOW the WORLD who you really are!”
WE are the ones who can help bridge the gap, by showing them and demonstrating to them how we can suspend judgment, embrace differences within our gender and allow each other to “be”. WE demonstrate that by our very reactions, words and comments about other women and mothers.
It always starts in our own home.
Thanks for shedding light, as always.
Wendy @Kidlutions
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melissa Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 9:35 pm
“You SHOW the WORLD who you really are!” –> LOVE that!
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I’ve never felt the need to defend my daughter’s love of giant pink dresses, nor her love of dinosaurs. If someone doesn’t approve, then they don’t get to experience the awesome that is my girl. Their loss. I read a lot of blogs about raising girls, this one being one of my favorite. There is one, however, called “Princess-Free Zone”, that bothers me. Not the content, the name. It suggests that my daughter is not included in their discussion because she likes princesses. I understand that they’re trying to shield our girls from harmful marketing and media, but the name they chose for their blog tells me up front that they do not accept any aspect of princess culture, including princess girls themselves. So I don’t bother reading. No matter how important or helpful their message is, I feel like they have already prejudged my daughter and are not worth my time. There are plenty of blogs/activists out there who do crusade against princesses, and sadly their message is lost on some of the people it needs to help the most.
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Michele Reply:
February 26th, 2012 at 6:47 pm
Hi Lisa–I just now saw your comment on Melissa’s fantastic post of which I wholeheartedly agree. I am the owner of PFZ and thought I would respond to you since you mention my company. I have to say that I’m sorry the name is so offensive to you. I do get that every now and again and, while I see the point that’s being made, I truly feel that the name offers another option to princess which is so ubiquitous that my daughter, as non-girly as you can get, could only find boy clothes she liked from a young age. I found it to be a horrible thing that there were an infinite amount of princess things with very little for someone like her. So I thought I would create a space not just for girls who don’t like princess, but also girls who might, every now and then, prefer a dinosaur t-shirt, or one with hammers on it. It’s so funny to me how “princess” is viewed as positive while princess-free is negative. Princess-free is not in any way judging anyone’s princess daughter (like Melissa says, if they came to it as a natural choice)—but I don’t think it’s right that those girls who do not find themselves enthralled by tiaras and tutus should not also have something to call their own. In my mind, there is nothing wrong with offering a princess-free place–because it does not negate all the princess that is already out there and will be for a long time (with over 26,000 items in the market). I fight very hard against gender stereotyping of which my daughter has been a target–always called a “tomboy” and questioned as to why she likes “boy” things. You see, I want to change that. I want to give all girls a choice. Again, I’m sorry if the name of my company has prevented you from seeing all the good work I try to do (including my children’s book which features a female super hero). I certainly can’t please everyone, and I know that. I thought I would try and explain, though, my perspective which has been developed organically as a result of my own daughter and the trials and tribulations I have gone through because she does not like princess. Anyway–my intent is simply to explain, in greater detail, why I chose “Princess Free Zone” as my company name–not necessarily to change your mind. Thanks for allowing me to do that.
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[...] was prompted to write this post by this one over at Pigtail Pals about this very idea of celebrating our children for who they are. [...]
this may be a weird comparison but.. i see it the same way i view language in our home. we are a bilingual home. i know that because we live in the US my kids will learn English natively no matter what. It is all around them as soon as they step out the front door. To preserve their father’s language that is what is spoken at home. English is limited as much as possible. I want to give my children the gift of two languages, and the ability to comunicate with one whole side of their family that doesn’t speak English as a first language.
We also have a no pink/princess/diva rule in our house, and the reasoning is similar. There is nothing inherently wrong the color pink, or with princesses, but I do not like the way they are marketed and the messages pinned along. My daughter will see lots of pink and princess outside the home. So at home, we show her all the other colors and fun themes to open up her world for her.
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melissa Reply:
January 26th, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Kristina -
I love this comment so much, and your comparison to language is genius. Brava!
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My favorite picture of my 2 year old daughter is one where she’s wearing a frou frou princess crown and wielding a light saber. She loves all things princess, gravitates toward sparkle and pink, and loves to get dressed up and check herself out in the mirror. She also loves to wrestle with her big brothers, play with trucks, wear iron man costumes (calls herself iron baby) and jump in mud puddles. I’m a brainy girly girl myself, but if she someday decides she’s not a fan of pink and sparkles I’ll be bummed that we won’t share that, but I’ll totally embrace and accept it, because I want her to feel free to be who she REALLY is, not who I have molded her to be. She has a baby sister, and the jury is still out on how girly she’ll be, but I’m ready for it to go either way, or somewhere in the middle!
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@ Lisa: I hear what you’re saying, that you don’t want your daughter to be excluded because she loves princesses. But how can anyone state clearly what they’re against if they aren’t allowed to come up with a definitive label for fear of offending the sensibilities of any one of the millions of possible readers? When they talk about “No Princesses allowed”, what they’re really saying is “No shallow, hollow, passive, restrictive, overly sexualised, harmful stereotypes in Disney Princess incarnation”. And while there’s nothing wrong with your daughter loving a tiara, there’s a lot wrong with the values that some of her Tiara-toting role models offer. Do princesses vote? Are they financially independent? Do they have their own transport? Can they learn from their mistakes? Why are they always so naive and trusting? Do they have careers of their own? Do they play sports? On their fairytale honeymoon, do they know how to communicate their sexual needs, or is having a Prince enough?
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I have yet to read through all the comments, but I can certainly see both sides of the argument. However, by and large, I agree whole heartedly with your post. To redefine girly isn’t that a girl shouldn’t like pink….but rather have the choice to wear/play with whatever she wants to.
I just have to share about my own experiences as a mother of two girls (ages 10 and 7) who couldn’t be more opposite in their choices. And as a mother, I have always felt that it’s irrelevant what my children are “into” but rather that I am guiding them to be the best “them” possible.
My oldest girl loves science, music, Chuck Taylors, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Pirates, the colors red, blue, and purple. She wears her monkey hat proudly, she owns her near obsession with all things Beatles, has a celebrity crush on Johnny Depp and Taylor Lautner, sings along with Selena Gomez and Paul McCartney, loves to try on lip gloss, and she is completely PERFECT in her shunning of the color pink (which makes her gag). She wants to be a chef and a scientist when she grows up.
My youngest daughter loves pink, purple, sparkles, and Hello Kitty. She loves to watch Victorious, iCarly, and Phineas & Ferb. She loves hair bling, boots with bling, shoes with bling, skirts and dresses, tiaras, pretend make up, pretend wigs, pretend dress up clothes, just got a new pair of reading glasses that *had* to be in purple frames. She loves to pretend she’s modeling when she gets new clothes, she loves to perform, loves to dance, and no matter that she’s opposite her older sister, she is PERFECT the way she is.
See, I don’t care that my older daughter loves things that are considered unconventional for girls. Those are *her* choices and she is PERFECT the way she is. I also don’t care that my younger daughter has *chosen* to be more conventionally girly. This is *her* choice and she is PERFECT the way she is. I am far more concerned with the fact that my children are taught kindness, hard work, being a good friend, commitment to school, and to make good decisions, than their choices in clothing or toy color.
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Espe Reply:
January 31st, 2012 at 1:44 pm
I forgot to include this…but for the record, I can (as can my older daughter) name AT LEAST three women in Congress. And the first female astronaut, the first female Supreme Court Justice, and several other female politicians.
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[...] Your Daughter Doesn’t Have To Apologize for Anything – “Some of these little girls like princesses and pink and chess and Star Wars. Others like building and superheroes and guitars. Still more like science and sparkles and dolphins. And you know what? They are ALL girls. There isn’t any one way to be a girl.“ (Pigtail Pals) [...]
I have been reading your posts for a while today and I have to point this out, you seem to operate under the assumption that people are FINANCIALLY capable of providing their kids with as wide a range of choices as possible. This is not a criticism of your questioning gender stereotypes and I admire that. It’s just that it’s very disquieting for someone like me who really doesn’t come from a background of privilege to afford my future kids those kinds of options. I just wish you would somewhere acknowledge the intersection of class, gender, capitalism and consumerism. But then again this seems to be a blog centred towards parents of a certain kind of economic privilege in society.
When I have kids, I’m simply going to NOT BUY them toys from shops. It’s buying into the dominant capitalist structure that I do not want to be part of. I’m into wood-carving. I can make my own non-gendered toys for my kids and when they grow up teach them how to carve themselves. Also lots of balls, building blocks etc.
As we speak of ‘ungendering’ we also need to talk about moving beyond capitalist structures which promote those binaries in the first plays. Especially since most are made of harmful plastic by underpaid laborers. JUST SAY NO TO STORE-BOUGHT TOYS!
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melissa Reply:
February 7th, 2012 at 2:05 pm
I appreciate your comment, but know that we get a lot of hand-me-down toys, toys as gifts, and I find deals at garage sales and consignment shops. My kids get very little that is brand-new out of a box. I do acknowledge the intersections you mention, and what parents can’t find or afford, there is always the option of heading to Etsy or Pinterest to make something, as you suggest.
So while I don’t assume that all of my readers can financially afford every suggestion I make, I do assume they are clever enough to find a way that works for their family to provide healthy media and creative toys.
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[...] comment really struck a chord. Reading the comments on blogs like Princess-Free Zone, Pigtail Pals, and Peggy Orenstein’s blog, as well as Stephanie Hanes’ Christian Science Monitor [...]
[...] analysis really struck a chord. Reading the comments on blogs like Princess-Free Zone, Pigtail Pals, and Peggy Orenstein’s blog, as well as Stephanie Hanes’ Christian Science Monitor [...]
I think why mothers feel they need to defend their daughter’s choices for pink, princesses, fashion etc is because they might interpret the message of “redefine girly” is girls must like everything opposite of those things. So basically we should make girls like we see boys in order for there to be equality. I don’t believe this at all, but I understand that if they see this a lot they think that they might be going against the grain on sites like these. I don’t think the mother has heard that it’s not flipping what girly should be, but including other interests like construction, science and playing in the mud as activities girls like to do. I really think this is where the confusion lies.
Girls should be able to choose what they want to play with and not limited to choices of the activities I mentioned first. That’s what groups like Pigtail Pals is trying to accomplish. Melissa would never say that your daughter is not good at being a girl because she chooses to play a princess instead of wanting to play pirates. She just hopes that your daughter truly has the choice and isn’t forced to play with only one activity available, which isn’t a choice at all.
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melissa Reply:
April 26th, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Exactly right!!
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