Posts Tagged ‘PSA’

National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-866-331-9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not upset the song was made. The lyrics stop you in your tracks and are performed with excellence. That what good songs are supposed to do. I’m not upset the video was made. Hit songs need videos. And this one is absolutely memorable.

I am smoking mad that the video for the Eminem and Rihanna duet “Love The Way You Lie” makes domestic violence look sexy and glamorous. It shows the girl going back for more. Liking it. Wanting it. Asking for it? It shows her going back for more. It shows her initiating some of the violence, yes. But it also shows hot make up sex right after the boyfriend puts his fist through the wall just inches from her head while his forearm is against her throat, holding her against the wall. And during the lyrics about “tying her to the bed and setting the house on fire”, the video shows the girl kissing the boy who just  rocked her face, and then ends with them laying in an embrace on a bed. Fade to black.

And that’s it. There’s no PSA. No number to call if you need help. No five seconds of Rihanna saying “No one deserves or asks for violence in their life, please call….blah blah blah” and then a cut to a website for people needing to escape the very same violence that turned her world upside down in early 2009.

Years ago I assisted with part of the investigations of two cases where women were the victims of domestic abuse. They were burned alive. In cars. They had both been pregnant. You don’t ever forget stuff like that.

Maybe that is why this song has me so upset. Domestic violence has affected two people in this world I love most, my husband and another dear friend. Maybe that is why I’ve been nauseated since Friday when I saw the video.

Maybe because I am the parent of two very small children, I see everything as a teaching moment. I have two kids that are asking questions from the moment they get up, so much of my day is spent teaching and explaining and repeating myself and then doing some more explaining. Some questions are easy, like “Do sharks get cavities?”. Some questions take my breathe away, but I still find a way to teach through those moments. I think that in the moments you most feel like being silent is exactly the time to be speaking up and using your voice. To teach others. Especially when you have people looking up to you.

I heard the song for the first time a couple of weeks ago in the car on the radio. I thought my daughter was asleep, in the backseat. She wasn’t talking, and the only time she isn’t talking is when she is asleep.

Then,

“Mama, what is this song about? Why is that boy so bossy?”-Amelia

“Uh, hi. Because he is being mean to his friend.”-Me. Radio immediately turned off.

“Why would a boy hit a girl?”-Amelia

“Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to be a good friend.”-Me

“He wouldn’t be my friend. Not if he hit me.”-Amelia

“You’re right. A friend shouldn’t…”-Me

“Mom if a bossy boy hits a girl, then she should just walk away.”-Amelia

She’s right, you know. She is four years old and she is right. It is simplistic, obviously, a child’s view of a very complicated matter. Yet, she will continue to be raised to think that way because she is absolutely right.

It took me only a second to place that haunting female voice singing the chorus. It was that of Rihanna, a recent survivor of an assault that became known to the world.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that’s alright because I love the way you lie

That’s Rihanna? Singing those lyrics? Those words? Back up, was I understanding what this song was about? She likes the pain? She’ll stand there and burn? Because I remember an emotional Rihanna, last November, giving a very honest and commendable interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC’s 20/20. Notably, at 5:06-38 (see link), when she says she knew she had to set an example, she couldn’t rest knowing her actions would lead another girl to make a decision that would get her hurt or killed. She talks about realizing how young the girls were who looked up to her.

Those millions of girls? Still do. They still look up to Rihanna who last fall went through an incredible struggle with grace and made a very strong and brave choice in the end. This video is being hailed as provocative and a “conversation starter”. I get that. It is both. On YouTube alone there are just shy of 25 million views. Sadly the explosive video does nothing to educate or make a clear statement that the violence is wrong, and where to turn if you need help stopping it. Not a single concrete message to these millions of girls who look up to Rihanna that the violence is wrong, and how to stop it. Not a single word. Her website promotes the video with !!exclamation points!! And as of the morning this post is published, she has yet to comment. Really? No comment? No comment.

I’ve heard this is “art” and that it was something both singers “needed to get off their chest”. They both have histories of domestic violence. I don’t . I cannot and will not judge them on needing to create this project.

But they failed to teach. My community of media literacy experts and girl empowerment experts and body image experts are only as good as the people we reach. And the 25 million who have viewed the video? Are we really going to reach all of them? Are we really going to start conversations with the girls who need to hear our words the most?

Unfortunately, not. But the video could have. Five extra seconds to display this information at the very top of my post. Maybe even a cool,edgy shot of the four stars holding signs with the information, or standing in a line with some short PSA. Megan Fox donated her fee to a woman’s shelter. Some say that means some good came out of it. Some good came out of the Holocaust when the medical community made surgical advances after studying the notes of the Nazi doctors….. really? A crumb of good over not teaching a lesson to the millions and millions of fans,impressionable young people who would hear and see this song and be influenced, and influenced in a way that could be detrimental to their safety? That’s not good enough for me.

I’m in the business of raising strong girls. Girls who know their worth. Girls who know that love doesn’t hit. Love doesn’t put his fist through a wall or tie you to a bed and burn you. Love doesn’t pound his fist into your flesh or belittle you or intimidate you or rip out your hair in chunks or rape you or kill you. Love looks nothing like that. And if it does, then you need to get help. I’m in the business of raising girls who know this, who walk away before this starts, or who help a friend or sister or mother or neighbor when they see it.

The stars of this project failed to teach. This project is going to make those stars a lot of money. If you are going to profit financially from a project that highlights the dark underbelly of cyclical domestic abuse, then the very least you could do is teach. When you have a tattoo inked backwards on your chest so that you can read it in the mirror, the words “Never a failure, always a lesson”, you have the responsibilty to teach. When you participate in a project of this nature, when you sing lyrics that confuse and go against everything you’ve spoken out about and even won awards for, you have the responsibility to teach. To teach the girls who view you as a star.

I’m not a star and I’m not famous. But there will never be a time when I feel it is okay to teach to our girls that violence against them is acceptable or sexy or permissable.

I’m not a star and I’m not famous, but there will never be a time that I fail in my responsibility to teach a girl her worth.

“Mom if a bossy boy hits a girl, then she should just walk away.”-Amelia

National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-866-331-9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here

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Update: Would like to add a link to my colleague and friend Deborah Reber’s post “Does Eminem’s and Rihanna’s New Song and Video Glamorize Dating Violence?” click here. She gives excellent analysis here:  

“The first time I watched the video, I put myself in my 15-year-old self’s shoes. At 15, I was insecure, longed to have connection, and often looked for validation that I had worth in others, especially boys. I would have watched that video, with every slow motion, passionate kiss and heated exchanges, and part of me would have thought, “I wish someone loved me that much, loved me so much that the thought of losing me would drive them to do dangerous things.” It’s not easy to admit that, but I know I’m not the only one who felt that way, and I know there are millions of girls today who, despite knowing intellectually that dating violence is wrong, would still have an emotional response similar to mine.”