Posts Tagged ‘self-esteem’

Today begins a new series on our blog: The Body Image Workshop.

Last month I had a little piece of my heart break when I received two emails in the same day, one from the mom of a preschooler who had already developed body image issues, and the other from a pregnant mom, scared for her unborn daughter’s future body image issues. My head was spinning. Both moms needed info and resources and I sent some their way, but I had a hard time putting my head around the fear of an unborn girl’s body image. I had a hard time putting my head around why that is such a legitimate fear. Because it is.

I called my friend and colleague Marci Warhaft-Nadler, a certified fitness instructor and body image consultant, and asked if she would help me. I needed someone who would help me dig deep, really push the issue, unpack the numbers, and get underneath this massive rock of body image that sits on top of our daughters. Marci and I are both raising sons, and boys will be included in this series as well. But when you look at the numbers that reflect what is going on in with our girls, it is enough to make you want to scream. Or cry. Or both.

We MUST create a meaningful change. And we must do it now.

Hopefully this isn’t affecting your family, these posts will get low viewership, and Marci and I can focus our efforts elsewhere. Something tells me that is not going to be the case.

Marci and I care deeply about all of our kids. We’re going to be honest. We’re going to really dig into this issue. We’re not going to pull our punches. We’re going to give you the tools and resources you need. We might say things that sting, we might say things you disagree with. We’re going to pull in medical and nutrion experts. We’ll talk to authors and psychologists. We’re going to give you printouts and talking points. Not generics, but specific go-try-this-today info. We’re going to give you the chance to be the expert bloggers and give us tips on what you do in your homes. We’re going to give you the chance to ask questions and talk to experts directly. For free.

You have no idea how much energy Marci and I have on this subject. We’re going to get this thing done. And we’re going to do it right here.

Buckle up, here comes Part 1: A Parent’s Guide To Talking About Body Image – Age 0-3

by: Marci Warhaft-Nadler

The facts are beyond disturbing.

Recent studies show that boys and girls as young as 5-years-old are struggling with body image. Day after day, they are bombarded with messages from the media, society, peers as well as a number of other sources, telling them that they aren’t good enough, smart enough, attractive enough and certainly not THIN enough. As a result, more and more kids are putting their health and lives at risk by engaging in dangerous behaviors to attain what they THINK is the ideal physique.

The scary truth:

80% of 10 year olds HATE their bodies

25% of 7 year olds have already tried dieting

Eating Disorders in kids under 12 years old rose 119% over the last 9 years

42% of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders want to be thinner by the time a girl is 17 years old, she’s seen approximately 250, 00o messages from the media telling her what she’s supposed to look like.

Gaining weight is the #1 FEAR of teenage girls, over losing their parents or getting cancer.

In 1970, the average age a woman started dieting was 14 years old, by 1990 the average age was 8 years old.

As parents, we want to protect our children from the superficial and often judgemental world that awaits them, but it’s a task that can feel somewhat overwhelming. Here’s the good news: There is A LOT we can do, starting from the minute we bring our babies home, to empower them with strong, healthy self-esteem and to help them grow up with the self-confidence they deserve.

How do we get started?

0-3 years old:

When our kids are this young, we are pretty much in control of their environment. We control what they see and hear, and this definitely works to our advantage. Here are a few suggestions to help create the kind of environment that will help our kids grow up loving who they are, instead of judging who they think they’re not:

1)  ROLE MODELLING

I cannot say this strongly enough. Little girls learn SO MUCH about how to treat themselves by watching their moms (and sisters and grandmas and aunts). It is crucial that daughters see their mothers being kind and accepting of themselves. This can take work, because it’s become almost second nature to criticize our jiggly arms or round tummies and we don’t realize that these seemingly harmless comments are anything but harmless. As silly as it may feel sometimes, make a point of complimenting yourself, out loud, on a daily basis. Challenge yourself to do so in creative ways. For example: Feel free to look in the mirror and proudly say, “I LOVE my arms because I use them to lift and hug my baby, to roll out cookie dough and maybe even do a few push ups!” and, “I LOVE my thighs because I use them to dance with my baby and walk through the park!”

{Melissa adds: Say to baby:  “Oh! Look at your strong legs climb the steps!”  or “Let’s wash those busy arms and feet!”  or “Does it feel good to have a tummy full of healthy food?”  or  “Big girl! Look how much you’ve grown since Christmas!”   or  “Can your strong arms help me clean up the toys/rake the leaves/walk the dog?”.  Your little ones won’t understand the concept of ‘healthy food’ or how much time has passed since Christmas, but they will understand your tone of voice and attitude as you set a framework for how your family will view body image.}

By doing this, your daughter will grow up loving her body for what it can DO, not judging it for how it looks.

The BEST part of this exercise, is that by committing to just a few seconds of self-appreciation every day, you’ll see your OWN self-esteem increase as well!

2) IMAGE-PROOF your home

We’ve all heard of Baby-proofing our homes, the act of removing any potential dangers our babies may come into contact with; we plug electrical outlets, soften sharp table edges and lock cupboard doors. Well, now we can also Image-Proof our homes by clearing out the negative messages and replacing them with positive ones. It’s a pretty simple exercise actually, just look around your house for magazines, books, posters or anything that promotes the unrealistic images of beauty that surround us today. Even though, kids this young aren’t reading yet, they are soaking in everything they see around them and we need to make sure that what they see is helpful and not harmful.

Keep in mind, I’m not suggesting that we can put blinders on our kids and keep them from ever seeing the evils of the beauty obsessed world we live in; but the fact is, if we can show our kids examples of beauty in all shapes, sizes and forms from the time that they are very little, they will be better armed to deal with the superficial and critical messages that start coming their way as they get older. A big part of the body image problem, is that kids see impossibly perfect models on TV and in magazines and then compare themselves to these images and walk  away feeling inadequate, like they just don’t measure up. However, if they have already seen beauty in a variety of forms, it will be easier to understand that the problems aren’t with their own bodies, but with the ones they are seeing on TV.

{Melissa adds: Use family photos of past and present to decorate your home…like where that stack of fashion magazines used to be. Teach your children that beauty is passed down through families, not by marketers and Photoshop.}

3) Make your home FAT TALK – FREE

We already know how important it is to avoid criticizing ourselves in front of our kids, but we need to extend that to guests in our homes as well. Kids hear everything, they take it in, process it and then, oftentimes, repeat it. Make sure that people who visit your home understand that any kind of fat or diet talk is not appreciated. It sounds strange, but there are a lot of people, who can’t go one full day without mentioning the calorie content of something they’ve eaten or making reference to their desire to lose weight.

{Melissa adds: The number one offender that I hear about all of the time is Grandma. We’ll have a post on this coming up.}

Remember, our  focus should be on function over esthetics. We need to teach our kids to love WHO they are, because if they grow up liking and respecting themselves, they will make better choices in all aspects of their lives.

The negative messages our children get from the media and society are strong, but that just means that our positive messages as parents, have to be even STRONGER.

Self-Worth should not be measured in pounds!

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Melissa here: See? That was easy and painless. Three sure-fire steps you can take with your itty bitty to get your family started on the right foot. Are your kids older? Still works! And? You can start doing this today. Right now! Go! Go pitch that Victoria Secret catalog and Vogue. Chuck it. Go find a photo of your grandma when she was 24. She was gorgeous. Your daughter has her eyes. Focus on that. Define beauty for yourself.

We can do this. Together.

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Marci Warhaft-Nadler is a certified fitness instructor and body image consultant. After overcoming her own body image and eating disorder issues, Marci created her Fit vs Fiction program to tear down the dangerous myths related to beauty and fitness and empower kids with the self-esteem they need to tune out negative messages and be proud of who they are instead of judging themselves for who they think they’re not. 

Self-Worth should NOT be measured in pounds!

www.fitvsfiction.com

facebook.com/visitfitvsfiction

fitvsfiction.wordpress.com

marciwarhaft@rogers.com

Image from clker.com, Rolera LLC

A Guest Post by Lori Day:

I never want to be accused of considering Costco a microcosm of the real world because I’d like to have less despair than that, but maybe there is something to be gained by cautiously extrapolating from that surreal environment to something essentially true about the culture we live in.

One day, in order to take a break from the crowds of people forming around the free food samples and the incredibly long lines snaking through the electronics aisle, I decided to indulge in a slice of cheese pizza and a diet Coke at the snack area. I sat at a table at the back, and soon noticed that there were three tables occupied by mothers with two or three daughters each. There were no dads and no sons on this particular day.

 When you eat lunch alone, it’s amazing what you see and hear and notice about your fellow human beings who do not know you are quietly people-watching them.  The first thing I observed was the way the girls were looking at each other. The mothers had not yet acknowledged each other, but the daughters were making friendly cross-table eye contact. Soon, the mothers noticed that the girls were around the same age and were interested in each other, and everyone exchanged pleasantries and it was really nice, and very different than the usual vibe of competitive drag racing with shopping carts that we had all just survived. I find even basic human decency moving when I encounter it at Costco.

I got up to get some extra napkins, and when I returned all of the mothers and daughters were engaged with each other. You know what? That was really cool. I was totally smiling. Then I suddenly noticed something that for no explicable reason (other than complete desensitization) I had previously failed to notice…that all eight girls of these three mothers were dressed head-to-toe in pink. I don’t mean that some of them had on jeans and a pink sweatshirt. Or a pink top and off-white skirt. I mean what I said—literally every girl wore no item of clothing that was not light pink, medium pink, dark pink, fuchsia or magenta, in some combination, with zero items of clothing in any other shade or hue. (Not on a hit-and-run anti-pink rant here, just articulating the phenomenal amount of that color that was present.)

Then, I realized what the mothers and daughters were all talking about…who was pretty, who looked “just like a princess,” who had the most beautiful hair, whose fingernail polish was the most gorgeous shade of pink, whose pink hair accessories were the loveliest, whose sparkly pink shoes were fanciest and like you’d wear to a ball, etc.

Honestly, this went on for longer than one could possibly imagine.  I had long since finished my meal and remained sitting there, sipping my soda, transfixed. Mothers were almost competing to out-compliment the beauty of each other’s girls. This is sweet and caring, isn’t it? Yes, for sure, but it is something else as well, and it became something else very quickly.

The youngest of all the girls, perhaps three or four, stood up. She was wearing a pink tulle skirt, like a tutu, but longer and able to flow and twirl. She smiled coyly at one of the other mothers, twirled around a few times holding the hem of her skirt, and then posed. I thought she was going to courtesy, but instead she put her hand n her hip and pushed her pelvis forward…waiting. Her own mother beamed as one of the other mothers exclaimed, “My, aren’t you the belle of the ball?”

Soon, all of the girls—that is, except one—got up and casually wandered between the tables, visiting each other, showing off their pink dresses and the Disney costumes a couple of them had worn that day, since Disney costumes are now just regular attire. They were sashaying, flipping their hair, pretending they were models, striking poses, giggling, and drinking in all of the mirth and effusive praise of the mothers, who were utterly delighted by the whole show. Costco’s warehouse lunch area had been transformed into a cement-floored catwalk for an impromptu Toddlers & Tiaras audition. The girls were having a wonderful time.

Except one. This girl was around seven or eight, and of a quieter, more introverted disposition. She had a book and was reading. I could not see the title, but it was fairly thick, and the girl seemed like she was very absorbed in it and probably a pretty good reader. She glanced up repeatedly from her book to watch the other girls—some older, some younger, one her sister—strutting, preening, and lapping up every “How beautiful!” Slowly, she pushed her book to the edge of the table where she was sitting and looked around. No one noticed. She whispered something to her mother, and her mother whispered something back.

Eventually, the girl slid the book back across her table, away from where the other girls were roaming the aisles between the tables. Now here’s where I wished I had a video camera. I will not have the words to describe this girl’s face. Crestfallen? Glum? Hurt? None of these work. Maybe…invisible. She looked like she felt invisible. She looked down at her clothes and up at the clothes of the other girls and back down at her own again. They were pink but not frilly. I realized they were what I would call play clothes, not dress-up clothes. She kept looking at the other girls getting all the attention with their swirling and twirling, knowing her own clothes would not do that.

She was ignored by all of the other girls and other mothers except her own. Apparently, her lack of proper attention to her own femininity was a tragedy for everyone else — innocent bystanders were being robbed in broad daylight of their God-given right to observe her in pink tulle, primping and sashaying in some big-box fashion show of this decade’s new essential girlwear.

I wanted to hug that girl, who is so much like my own daughter, and like I was as a child, and say, “Wow, that’s quite a book you’ve got there! What are you reading?”

Just at that moment the girl’s father came over, along with a boy who was clearly her brother. The boy had a Harry Potter book under his arm—that much was obvious. The father said to his wife, “I got a good spot out front. Are you ready to go?” The mother nodded and started to clean up the paper plates and soda cups on the table. The girl with the book got up and walked towards her dad. One of the other mothers said to her brother, “Wow, you’re a smart boy reading Harry Potter!”

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A big thank you to Lori Day for sharing her insightful experience with the Redefine Girly blog.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2!

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Lori Day

Lori Day is an educational psychologist and consultant with Lori Day Consulting in Concord, MA, having worked previously in the field of education for over 25 years in public schools, private schools, and at the college level. She writes and blogs about parenting, education, children, gender, media, and pop culture. You can connect with Lori on Facebook, Twitter, or Google+.

"Picture Day...and the Missing Tooth!" by Suzanne Ridolfi

Meet Abby. She is the newest character to come out of Eifrig Publishing, an independent book publisher with a reputation for being a great place to find books that build up a girl’s self-esteem and positive body image. Abby wants kids to know, “It’s okay to be me!”.

Author Suzanne Ridolfi created the Abby’s Adventures series, which can help your kids counteract the effects of the media, build resilience and self-acceptance, and start each day feeling good about themselves!

Abby is a first grade girl with a creative mind and good heart, she just sometimes needs help along the way her way through some of childhood’s difficult moments. There are four stories in the Abby series, each one leaving you and your kids with positive lesson to reflect back on. The illustrations are adorable, and really bring Abby and her friends to life.

My family received “Picture Day…and the Missing Tooth!” right before our kindergartner Amelia was set to take her school picture. Amelia had lost three front teeth over the summer, while many of her friends had still not lost their first tooth. She was a little nervous about taking her picture, but her dad and I assured her, the more holes the better. In “Picture Day”, Abby feels the same way so her mom shares with her the baby album that shows Abby how much she has changed over the years, and how awesome it is to enjoy the different stages of growing up. Abby learns that true beauty comes from within.

Don’t miss the new Christmas book in the Abby series: “Christmas Carol…and Little Miss Scrooge”.

Abby shows kids how to be full of awesome!

New Full of Awesome tee, twisty design.

So…I wrote this little blog post a few weeks back, just something simple one morning after my muse, my daughter, gave me a little inspiration. I just thought that girl was full of awesome. To date it has well over 400,00 views. That amazes me, but not as much as the powerful comments (500+) that have been left.

Awesome is something you choose. Our kids do it naturally, they can’t help themselves. It is the choice to hold your face up to the world, knowing you are beautiful inside and out, and feel the light that shines out of you. Somewhere along the way, some people stop looking, stop choosing to be awesome. It doesn’t matter what your story is, if it is happy or painful…the time to be awesome is now.

Make that choice for yourself. Tell your demons to shut it. If you can’t remember feeling awesome, then make new memories. Start today. Start now.

I read a lot of comments of scaring stories from people describing their awesome being taken. Put your trust in me when I say from my own story, I understand that. Put your trust in me further when I say, by God, take it back. Choose awesome. Choose the power of you over the power of your story. Your history does not define you, your choices do. Go on and get your awesome.

For those who have their awesome, for those building it up, for those who need to start from scratch, and for those with amazing little people in their life who know nothing but awesome, Pigtail Pals created three new tshirts for you.

Choose your design, choose from ten colors, choose from sizes infants through adult. Just please, please choose to be full of awesome.

You can buy a tee HERE. Each tee will come with a special gift, one for you, and one to share the awesome with someone else.

Three new Full of Awesome tees from Pigtail Pals.

Amelia says Good Morning.

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Update: As I type this, on Sept 15, this post has 412,00 views. I hope that means 412,000 people choosing to live their awesome.

With all the fanfare, since Pigtail Pals is a tshirt company for kids…..we made up some tshirts full of awesome. I hope you like them.

You can buy them HERE. 3 designs, 10 colors, sizes infant – adult.

We are the beautiful ones. We will pass a legacy of beauty to our daughters.

 The Legacy of Beauty Project was sparked by a comment on my blog post “Take Up Space”, in which the woman discusses feeling validation after viewing the media literacy project Killing Us Softly by Jean Kilbourne that breaks down and analyzes the impossible beauty standard given to us by the fashion and advertising industries. Validation that what she was seeing was a digital magic show, and that indeed she was beautiful. She had worth. 

What stuck in my mind is, “What if there are thousands of women who never see that documentary? Who don’t know every magazine image they see is retouched? Who don’t know the average fashion model is 5’10″ and 114 pounds? Do they look right past the beauty in front of them, and in the women all around them? Will they continue to wait for an absolution that may never come?” 

The stats on the state of female body image, disordered eating/Eating Disorders, and thoughts on beauty are so low it makes my heart hurt. And now it is trickling down to our preschoolers. Yes, preschoolers. 

As a mother, a friend, a woman….I think this is all unacceptable. Mostly, we are failing our daughters.  

We need to make changes. Fast. 

And we hold the power of change. 

 The Legacy of Beauty Project is simple: WE are the beautiful ones. WE define beauty for ourselves. WE will give this legacy to our daughters. 

So let’s make a video, a collection of our beautiful images, along with some inspired music, to show each other, remind each other, teach other….WE are the beautiful ones. 

We will make our definition of beauty more inclusive, more loving, more tolerant. We will offer more grace to our sisters. We will love ourselves more. 

Here’s how it works: Email a photo of you, your daughter, or other girls/women in your family or group of friends to info@pigtailpals.com.Close ups or full body is fine. Casual snapshots or formal shots like weddings are fine. Makeup or no makeup is fine. Babies, kids, young adult, elderly….all fine. Why? Because we are beautiful throughout our entire life. 

Please limit your submission to four photos. Please have photos submitted by March 15, 2011. And please feel free to pass this along to your friends, as we need this message of beauty to reach as many as possible. 

Now pause, have you allowed yourself to feel beautiful today? 

Here I am, no makeup, in pajamas, and a head full of snot, as raw as I can get. We can do this. We can give the gift of beauty to each other. We can allow each other more grace.  

Small girl competing in a Glitz children's beauty pageant.

I need to make a very important clarification in regards to the child beauty pageant post about “Toddlers & Tiaras”.

When we talk about sexualization, our focus should and must remain on the emotional, social, sexual, and physical health of our daughters.

Our daughters are the center of this discussion, and we need to keep our focus on their intrinsic value and natural born right to a childhood. Our daughters (and sons) are the focus of this discussion.

Sexualization of childhood isn’t only about pedophiles.

But it has EVERYTHING to do with our kids’ healthy emotional development around gender, sexuality, body image, beauty, and self esteem.

THE DISTINCTION IS AN IMPORTANT ONE.

(For those who want a crash course about the process of sexualization, what the four criteria are, and how it harms our children, go here.)

I saw numerous comments here and around the web in response to my post that questioned the validity of the show based on if sexual predators would see these girls. Whether or not that happens is certainly of some importance, but the emotional and physical health of these girls is the primary concern. Sexualization slides the bar of taboo around children and sex, but if the conversation moves to “pedophiles might see them” and “this feeds pedophilia”, we unintentionally objectify the VERY girls we are trying to protect. We take away our girls’ agency when we shift focus off of them and  onto the possibility of an outside party’s actions.  Our primary concern is what is happening to the minds and bodies of these girls in the present, what might or might not happen in the future is secondary.

I absolutely care about the victims of child sexual abuse, and with rational caution am wary of sexual predators, but that is a post for another day.

Child beauty pageants may be atrocious and offensive, but they are not child pornography. They do not fall under the legal definition, and to describe them as such undermines the potency and heinousness of real child pornography and the victims it affects. Whether or not the actions of some of these parents are cases of child abuse would vary from state to state and the statutes that govern that jurisdiction. Both claims need to carry a heavy weight of social condemnation with them, and should not be tossed around lightly.

I want to thank everyone who left comments on the blog yesterday, in social media circles where this post was widely shared, and in emails I received. Clearly the topic of children, specifically girls, participating in beauty pageants is a hot button issue.  The protection of our daughters’ right to a girlhood is a passionate issue for me, and I am touched that there are many, many people out there who are equally caring. The post and call to action came from a need for our society to curb the epidemic of the highly sexualized media and marketplace that surround and harm our children.

Mattel's "I Can Be...A Sea World Trainer" Barbie that my daughter will not be receiving on Christmas morning.

For a mother, that lure of giving that perfect gift to a delighted and giddy child on Christmas morning is pretty strong.   

My daughter is obsessed with ocean life. This began several months back, when a student teacher at her preschool brought in a giant floor puzzle with an image of the layers of the ocean on it. We’ve checked out every ocean book the library offers, two times over. We’ve watched “Free Willy 4″ more times than I can count. Imaginative play usually involves Amelia training her baby brother, whom she has turned into a dolphin or seal. Our bedtime stories involve belugas and narwhals and orcas and grey whales and various attacking sharks.  

She’s been coveting this Sea World Barbie. She squeals every time we see it in the store. She picks up the box and hugs it. I try to ask her questions like, “Do you think the doll is fun? Are you more excited for the dolphin and orca?” to try to get a picture of what she is really so wild about. She does not own any other Barbies, nor does most of her play seem like if she had a Barbie, it would fit in. I’ve had people tell me the very imaginative ways their girls play with Barbie. I’m sure they do. But my daughter has very imaginative play without the aid of a sexualized toy. Sexualization is sexualization, whether it has blue eye shadow or not. 

Several weeks back I was Christmas shopping and saw this Sea World Barbie for $10. That’s half the price of the dolphin trainer doll on the Sea World website, and the doll there seems to have the same body proportions as Barbie. I do not like Barbie, but I had never purchased one as a parent, so I thought maybe I should try it and see things from that side of the fence. I bought it. And I immediately regretted it.  

I rationalized that I would talk to my husband about it, and get his take. I could always return it, and Amelia would never know. I was certain she would love this on Christmas morning, but I had this pit in my stomach every time I thought about giving her the first Barbie. It goes against everything I believe in, and work for.  

Mattel, the company that makes Barbie, estimates that 90% of 3-10 year old girls own at least one Barbie, with the majority owning eight. We fall into that other 10%, because I read the research and studies and articles all day long. I teach other parents about media literacy and sexualization and the pinkification of girlhood. I know the science behind all of this, and base my business around it. 

Still, I cannot in good conscience give my daughter a toy that is sexualized. That promotes beauty and sexiness as a woman’s ultimates assets. That only has one body size. That has ridiculously sexed up outfits for careers that aren’t very imaginative. That has impossible body and physical portions that disrespect my daughter’s natural beauty and healthy body.  

I know there are tons of people who will say “Get over yourself, Lady”, “Barbie is no big deal”, and my fave “I played with Baribe and I turned out fine”. But research is telling us over and over and over again that early sexualization IS a big deal. A really really big deal. Sexualized childhood is something I do not accept for my children.  

I just can’t do it. I can’t be responsible for giving her those messages. She’ll get them from other sources as she gets older, and it will be my job then to help her question those messages and navigate around them to stay the course of high self-esteem and positive body image.  

I have a lot of parents ask me or email me and say, “How do I do this? How do I keep this stuff away from my daughter?”. Many times I have the answers. Other times I am just the mom of an almost five year old girl, and I can’t answer because I haven’t been there yet.  

I think a lot of good parenting comes down to common sense. And when my mama instincts, when my gut, tells me “Don’t do it”, I don’t do it. Sea World Barbie will be returned to the store.  

For the record, my husband said a firm no to Barbie. Although this Barbie is certainly relatively tame, most others are not. He did, however, spend all of last Friday night digging through boxes in our basement. Saturday morning he presented Amelia with a four inch Princess Leia toy from his childhood. That’s one princess I can live with.  

Sometimes being a good parent isn’t about what you do, it is about what you don’t do. I don’t give my children toys that make my heart hurt. And I think we’ll all have smiles on our faces come Christmas morning. 

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Yesterday our friend Dr. Robyn Silverman wrote this great post: “Happy Holidays! I Hate Everything On My Child’s Wish List” with a helpful list of consideration points should you find yourself in a dilema similar to mine.

This image is from the amazing site: We Stop Hate www.westophate.org

I was at the mall play land with my kids yesterday because they had way too much energy to be contained in my parent’s house. I needed them to run hard for a good sixty minutes, so we packed a snack and headed to the mall. And they were off!   

A new playground to a kid is like an adult being in Vegas for the first time. You know there is a ton of fun to be had, you just don’t know which direction to head first, so you just run around flapping your arms and make a ton of noise. My crew had a ball – all new kids to play with and all new play equipment. They were in a running, jumping, crawling, sliding, bouncing, rolling bonanza. I was chit chatting with another mom and we were discussing the enormous cuteness of her baby.   

Forty minutes into our outing the little guy was getting the glazed-eye, manic look of a hungry toddler, so I cleaned their hands and we headed just outside the play area to some tables to nosh on some honey bear grahams and string cheese. We were talking about football and dolphins and watching the other kids play when it happened….   

A mother, father, and preschool-aged girl walked by, but not without incident. The mother was screaming, SCREAMING at her child. The mother had a large body frame, and she was looming over the small child, ordering her in voice that would make a drill sergeant go pale, “I SAID LET’S MOVE! LET’S GO NOW!!”.  The girl was walking, but wasn’t moving as fast as the mother wanted, and the mother kept lighting into her. SCREAMING. SCREAMING. The girl was shielding her body and cowering from her mother. It stopped all traffic in the play area. A dozen or so families, mine included, just froze. I heard a couple audible gasps from some other moms, and I gently placed my hand on my 2 year old son’s shoulder to keep him from saying something. My four year old was wide-eyed and frozen and on the verge of tears.   

By cardinal rule, I try very hard not to be a “Judgy Mommy”. You know the type, I don’t need to describe her. Unless you tell me that you allow the family cat to nurse your six year old child to build up antibodies, I can pretty much go with the flow and respect the choices of others. But this? It was horrible to watch, so I can only imagine how the little girl felt in her heart. The parents seemed oblivious to everyone in the play area staring at them, but the little girl noticed, and started crying. This enraged the mother, and her yelling became more vicious, lashing out at the girl that “she didn’t need this” and “she didn’t need to spend her day like this, maybe she should just drop her off at a sitter”.   

I didn’t step in. At no time was the either parent violent towards the girl or did they threaten violence. I wanted to step in, but I was unsure of how that would play out for the girl. Would she get beat at home for embarrassing her parents? For causing a scene? I stood there, my eyes focused on the little girl, saying a prayer for her and sending her love. I’m not sure there was anything else to be done. If the parents behaved this way in public, with 30 or so people staring at them, what in the world went on behind closed doors at home? NO ONE has the right to make a child feel unlovable or unworthy.  

 They never hit or shoved her, but I can imagine the hurt those words caused. Parents are supposed to be a safe haven in the world for children, the two people they can depend on the most. Parenting, especially in the early years, is what provides a child his or her self-esteem and sense of understanding of how the world works. Unconditional love is a right all children are born with. I would be devastated if my children ever cowered in fear from my actions or words. It would mean I am directly and absolutely failing at my job of raising them with love and compassion.   

Don’t get me wrong – my kids are rascals and they get hollered at. They are disciplined. When the two year old climbs the entertainment center to obtain more leverage in order to body slam his sister into a pile of plastic dinos he has strategically placed behind her, believe me, we do more than just hug out our feelings. They understand the power of consequences and apologies.   

Many times it is not what you say, but how you say it. Kindness, humor, games, and silliness are far more motivating to a little kid than anger and meanness and fear.   

I get that parenting is hard. I understand the frustrating and trying moments. I completely acknowledge that none of us do it perfectly, at least not two days in a row. I know there a moments when we all lose our cool.  

As parents we are entrusted with the tiny bodies and precious minds of our children. There is nothing more important we do with our day than to do right by our children. Love begets love. Kindness begets kindness. There is nothing more important you can do with your day than to parent your children well.   

 For more, see here:   

 The effects and dangers of emotional abuse in young girls, see here.   

 On Positive Parenting, see here.   

 An insightful definition of “Parent”, see here.   

 On building self-esteem in your daughter, see here.

Dr. Robyn Silverman, author and leading expert in body and self-esteem development

 That’s what we are told, right? Don’t get fat. Almost from birth, it seems, our girls are told only certain body shapes are acceptable. Desirable. Achievable. Researchers are starting to see weight concerns in girls as young as five and six. The average dieter begins her career at the tendor age of 11. Eleven. Eleven years old should be outside climbing trees and practicing piano. Not counting carbs and ab crunches. I’m all for healthy and fit kids, but people, we’ve got problems here. When many feel that girls’ negative body image has gotten out of control, Dr. Robyn Silverman PhD has authored a new book that puts some sanity back into the conversation. “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat: How Weight Obsession Is Messing Up Our Girls And How We Can Help Them Thrive Despit It” has just hit stores in October and is getting rave reviews, from experts and parents alike. See more here.  Whether you are a parent of tween or a two year old, this book is a must read. I work in the business of girl empowerment and self-esteem and the first 50 pages blew me away. I’m the first to tell you that I’m not an expert on disordered eating or full blown Eating Disorders, but I know a thing or two about healthy, self-confident girls. And our girls are being failed.   

 The book is 233 pages of practical advice, tips, talking points, and a resource guide. It covers issues for both mom and dad, siblings, teachers, and friends. “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat” includes help deconstructing media and ads, provides asset builders, and current research. This book, that was ten years in the making, will leave you with the confidence and tools needed to raise your daughter (and son) in a Fat Talk Free Zone where she can shine on to becoming her most healthy, most confident self.   

I was so moved by Dr. Robyn’s book, and the easy way in which she presents some heavy hitting material to parents whom she knows are busy and pressed for time, that I offered to do a t-shirt for her. Our artist, named Melissa (not me, I can’t draw, people) did a magnificent job of capturing the feeling we want EVERY woman and girl to have when she looks in the mirror. Notice all those words in her silhouette? Dr. Robyn provided those, hoping every girl carries each word in her heart. You can find the tee HERE.   

Collaboration tee from Dr. Robyn and Pigtail Pals, comes in four rich, delicious colored Ladies tees.

  SMART ~ CONFIDENT ~ LOYAL ~ AMAZING ~ ACITVE ~ CREATIVE ~ INTUITIVE ~ OUTGOING ~ UNIQUE ~ LOVING ~ FRIENDLY ~ CARING ~ LEADER ~ COLORFUL ~   

TALENTED ~ PASSIONATE ~ SINCERE ~ AMBITIOUS ~ BEAUTIFUL   

I had a couple of questions for Dr. Robyn after I finished “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat”. Dr. Robyn and I are friends, and I knew I could be very frank with her because I was having trouble putting my head around some of the info in her book. Here, read:   

Me: Dr. Robyn, I’ve always known that as girls go through their teens, some of them are extremely, maybe overly concerned about their bodies. But the stories in your book shocked me, literally shocked me. Girls aren’t just skipping a meal here or there or exercising a whole bunch, they are truly hurting themselves. I tend to Mother Hen, and there were times when I was reading your book and I would let out a little “Oh, no!” or an “Oh! Oh honey, no no no!” as I read about what these girls were doing to their bodies. You and I both have very young daughters, what can we do as moms to help prevent this kind of body hatred?     

Dr. Robyn: Believe me, my stomach was turning and my mind was shouting as I heard the stories as well from girls who ran the range between disordered eating and actual full blown eating disorders. Yes, girls engage in a variety of scary behaviors to keep themselves from eating.  The good news is, that as mothers of young children, we can start early with building up our daughters’ body esteem and sense of positive self worth. There are so many tips throughout the book for moms—so here I’ll highlight a few!     

We’ve talked a lot about the impact of media, toys, and positive role models a lot before—and you certainly discuss this with your savvy moms on the Pigtail Pals forums.  If we want our girls to understand that there is a range of bodies—acceptable, beautiful, worthwhile, and common—then we need to show it to them. We need to watch the toys and media that come into the home—do they show a wide range or a narrow range? This provides a template.      

Also, we have to think about real life. When we expose our girls to a range of fantastic role models in real life who are talented, successful, beautiful, and vibrant, girls can see that they can be this way too. Think of the girl who knows her Aunt is a Scientist or an Astronaut.  She knows that these professions are not only possible but actual real serious positive options for a girl.  The same goes for body type and size. The only way to beat the myth that there is only one acceptable, beautiful, and worthwhile type and size of body (very thin) is to provide an alternative—the truth!     

And speaking of the truth—young girls typically believe whatever they see in print because they think concretely.  That’s what’s age appropriate, after all. So we need to talk to them about the “tricks” the media uses to get them to think a certain way. Girls don’t like to be duped.  Even saying something like “look at the 5 girls they use in this advertisement! They all look very similar, don’t they? But we know girls all look different from each other, right? Let’s talk about all the beautiful girls and women we know…”     

One more thing—when you are talking about beautiful girls and women—don’t forget to include yourself! Our girls need to hear that not only do their Moms believe that their daughters are beautiful (inside and out) but that they believe that they are beautiful (inside and out) too! We can’t expect our girls to see the beauty in themselves if we can’t see the beauty in ourselves.     

There are hundreds of tips in Good Girls Don’t Get Fat—I’ll look forward to hearing which ones the PigTail Pals Parents love!     

Me: Okay, I know I’ve asked you this two or three times on the phone, but are all of the stories real? I cannot put my head around some of the atrocious things parents say to their kids. And the girls who beat their stomachs to stop the hunger pains, or jab book corners or pencils into their sides to punish their bodies for expressing hunger….I just have to ask, this is all real?     

Dr. Robyn: Unfortunately, you can’t make this stuff up. So, yes, the stories are true.  The first one that I had heard from a woman a few years ago that made me gasp was the one in chapter 2 (p. 40) where the girl, Sage, age 5, was so eager to see her mother after being away from her all summer, and the first thing her mother said to her when the car door opened was “What happened to you? How did you get so fat? What have you been eating?” I knew then that this book was going to send me reeling. There were many nights I couldn’t sleep because of what the girls and women would tell me.     

Another story that really got me angry and sad was in chapter 4 (p. 120-121) where the mother didn’t speak up for her daughter, Rita, when she was continually bashed by the neighbor, in her own home! I could just hear the pain in the young woman’s voice as she told me what was said—about her body (i.e. “fat,” “ugly”)—about her character (i.e. “slut,” “will end up fat and pregnant and living off you”)—and how nobody came to her rescue even at the young age of 10 years old. Rita is admittedly broken as an adult and remembers clearly that any expression of hurt was quickly labeled “too sensitive.”     

When I spoke to my site’s eating disorders blogger recently about the ‘pain for pounds’ section that you mentioned, she told me that it didn’t surprise her at all that people were doing these things to stave off hunger.  Yes, I was shocked when I initially heard about it too. While it’s a more severe approach, some girls will do whatever it takes to maintain a thin body. The most shocking part? Many of these unhealthy techniques are written about in plain sight on “pro-ana” (pro-anorexia) or “pro-mia” (pro-bulimia) websites- from snapping a rubberband against your wrist each time you feel hungry to tightening your belt.     

Me: You and I both have very involved, hands-on husbands who spend a lot of time with our young daughters. You talk about this in Chapter 3, but how important are dads in this issue of raising girls with healthy body image? Its not just a mother/daughter thing, is it?     

Dr. Robyn: Yes, chapter 3 is devoted to Dads– Fathers play such an important role in shaping their daughters’ opinions about their bodies.  Dads are the first man in their daughters’ lives. They set the expectation about what men think is beautiful, acceptable, and worthy in women.  How fathers treat their spouses as well as what they say or do around their daughters regarding body size, weight, dieting, food, fitness, and boundaries all contribute to how their daughters view themselves. In my book, I talk about many different ways fathers can send the wrong message to their daughters. Do they make comments about people’s weights? Are they very controlling about what their daughters eat, the times they eat, how much they eat—influencing their daughter’s ability to learn self moderation and intuitive eating?     

One of the ways many fathers influence their daughters’ opinion about themselves is when they don’t say anything at all.  This may be surprising to some.  I call it “ghosting.” (p. 86) When fathers simply walk out of the room or stay quiet when the topic of weight, calories, fat, or body size comes up, they send a message that they endorse what’s being said.  Our daughters need to hear from their fathers that the information out there (“girls are worth more when they weigh less”), is a myth. They need to hear that men think women and girls with all different body types are beautiful and worthy and what is represented in the magazines is shallow and inaccurate.  They also need to hear “you are beautiful” from their fathers but also the many other things they admire in their daughters; strength, talent, smarts, effort, goals, and personality.     

Me: I love how your book includes dealing with siblings, teachers, and peers as we work to create a Fat Talk Free Zone around our daughters. Just this weekend my family had a party where I overheard two of my adult girlfriends and two of their teen daughters participating in Fat Talk right in front of my four year old. I wanted to scream, but instead I said something polite, trying to reframe the conversation for my daughter’s ears. With the holidays coming up, where special foods and diet talk prevail, do you have any tips for parents trying to raise their kids in a Fat Talk Free Zone?     

Dr. Robyn: (Funny, this is something I’m writing about for the Holidays!) In order to create a Fat Talk Free Zone (p. 117, 123), you first need to declare it.  The Holidays are a perfect time to do so because food and weight is often discussed.  I tell parents to go ahead and hang it right on the door.  Even something like; “You are now entering the Fat Talk Free Zone: Inquire Within” can give you an opening to discuss your new “rule” for “Healthy Holidaying.” If you have someone who repeatedly talks negatively about her body or someone else’s, talk to that person about your hope for the holiday. Feel free to blame my book or to ask him/her to help you establish the Fat Talk Free Zone for the sake of your girls. Next, be sure to set the tone. Be the one to break tradition and ask everyone to say one to three things about themselves that they’re grateful to be blessed with—and don’t be afraid to start. “I’m grateful for my beautiful curvy body, a mind that’s great with numbers, and a family that supports me in going a little against the grain.” You might also flip this and have everyone say something they admire about another person in the room. Finally, stick with it. This needs to be more than something you do on the holidays.  Establishing the Fat Talk Free Zone is something that takes work, patience, and practice so we need to do it all year long.      

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Folks, usually I don’t tell you to buys stuff (except Pigtail Pals stuff!) but I really believe this book is a must. Ask a couple of your parent friends to buy a copy and read it together. Talk about it. Get a copy for your babysitter. Share about it with the teachers at school, your pediatrician, anybody willing to listen and who is interested in ending this societal insanity of body pressure surrounding our girls. My house is a Fat Talk Free Zone. I demand it. We need to restore some health and common sense to the messages our daughters receive. “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat” is an excellent, accessible, informative tool every parent needs.     

“Good Girls Don’t Get Fat” is available on Amazon, Borders, and Barnes & Noble.  

Praise for “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat”:
“Good Girls Don’t Get Fat offers another deeply important layer to the conversation about body image and self-esteem. It is a vital and delicious read for anyone wanting to further explore the connection between our self-worth and appetite for life.” -Jess Weiner, author and Global Ambassador for the Dove Self Esteem Fund