Posts Tagged ‘self-esteem’

 

For a mother, that lure of giving that perfect gift to a delighted and giddy child on Christmas morning is pretty strong.   

My daughter is obsessed with ocean life. This began several months back, when a student teacher at her preschool brought in a giant floor puzzle with an image of the layers of the ocean on it. We’ve checked out every ocean book the library offers, two times over. We’ve watched “Free Willy 4″ more times than I can count. Imaginative play usually involves Amelia training her baby brother, whom she has turned into a dolphin or seal. Our bedtime stories involve belugas and narwhals and orcas and grey whales and various attacking sharks.  

She’s been coveting this Sea World Barbie. She squeals every time we see it in the store. She picks up the box and hugs it. I try to ask her questions like, “Do you think the doll is fun? Are you more excited for the dolphin and orca?” to try to get a picture of what she is really so wild about. She does not own any other Barbies, nor does most of her play seem like if she had a Barbie, it would fit in. I’ve had people tell me the very imaginative ways their girls play with Barbie. I’m sure they do. But my daughter has very imaginative play without the aid of a sexualized toy. Sexualization is sexualization, whether it has blue eye shadow or not. 

Several weeks back I was Christmas shopping and saw this Sea World Barbie for $10. That’s half the price of the dolphin trainer doll on the Sea World website, and the doll there seems to have the same body proportions as Barbie. I do not like Barbie, but I had never purchased one as a parent, so I thought maybe I should try it and see things from that side of the fence. I bought it. And I immediately regretted it.  

I rationalized that I would talk to my husband about it, and get his take. I could always return it, and Amelia would never know. I was certain she would love this on Christmas morning, but I had this pit in my stomach every time I thought about giving her the first Barbie. It goes against everything I believe in, and work for.  

Mattel, the company that makes Barbie, estimates that 90% of 3-10 year old girls own at least one Barbie, with the majority owning eight. We fall into that other 10%, because I read the research and studies and articles all day long. I teach other parents about media literacy and sexualization and the pinkification of girlhood. I know the science behind all of this, and base my business around it. 

Still, I cannot in good conscience give my daughter a toy that is sexualized. That promotes beauty and sexiness as a woman’s ultimates assets. That only has one body size. That has ridiculously sexed up outfits for careers that aren’t very imaginative. That has impossible body and physical portions that disrespect my daughter’s natural beauty and healthy body.  

I know there are tons of people who will say “Get over yourself, Lady”, “Barbie is no big deal”, and my fave “I played with Baribe and I turned out fine”. But research is telling us over and over and over again that early sexualization IS a big deal. A really really big deal. Sexualized childhood is something I do not accept for my children.  

I just can’t do it. I can’t be responsible for giving her those messages. She’ll get them from other sources as she gets older, and it will be my job then to help her question those messages and navigate around them to stay the course of high self-esteem and positive body image.  

I have a lot of parents ask me or email me and say, “How do I do this? How do I keep this stuff away from my daughter?”. Many times I have the answers. Other times I am just the mom of an almost five year old girl, and I can’t answer because I haven’t been there yet.  

I think a lot of good parenting comes down to common sense. And when my mama instincts, when my gut, tells me “Don’t do it”, I don’t do it. Sea World Barbie will be returned to the store.  

For the record, my husband said a firm no to Barbie. Although this Barbie is certainly relatively tame, most others are not. He did, however, spend all of last Friday night digging through boxes in our basement. Saturday morning he presented Amelia with a four inch Princess Leia toy from his childhood. That’s one princess I can live with.  

Sometimes being a good parent isn’t about what you do, it is about what you don’t do. I don’t give my children toys that make my heart hurt. And I think we’ll all have smiles on our faces come Christmas morning. 

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Yesterday our friend Dr. Robyn Silverman wrote this great post: “Happy Holidays! I Hate Everything On My Child’s Wish List” with a helpful list of consideration points should you find yourself in a dilema similar to mine.

 

I was at the mall play land with my kids yesterday because they had way too much energy to be contained in my parent’s house. I needed them to run hard for a good sixty minutes, so we packed a snack and headed to the mall. And they were off!   

A new playground to a kid is like an adult being in Vegas for the first time. You know there is a ton of fun to be had, you just don’t know which direction to head first, so you just run around flapping your arms and make a ton of noise. My crew had a ball – all new kids to play with and all new play equipment. They were in a running, jumping, crawling, sliding, bouncing, rolling bonanza. I was chit chatting with another mom and we were discussing the enormous cuteness of her baby.   

Forty minutes into our outing the little guy was getting the glazed-eye, manic look of a hungry toddler, so I cleaned their hands and we headed just outside the play area to some tables to nosh on some honey bear grahams and string cheese. We were talking about football and dolphins and watching the other kids play when it happened….   

A mother, father, and preschool-aged girl walked by, but not without incident. The mother was screaming, SCREAMING at her child. The mother had a large body frame, and she was looming over the small child, ordering her in voice that would make a drill sergeant go pale, “I SAID LET’S MOVE! LET’S GO NOW!!”.  The girl was walking, but wasn’t moving as fast as the mother wanted, and the mother kept lighting into her. SCREAMING. SCREAMING. The girl was shielding her body and cowering from her mother. It stopped all traffic in the play area. A dozen or so families, mine included, just froze. I heard a couple audible gasps from some other moms, and I gently placed my hand on my 2 year old son’s shoulder to keep him from saying something. My four year old was wide-eyed and frozen and on the verge of tears.   

By cardinal rule, I try very hard not to be a “Judgy Mommy”. You know the type, I don’t need to describe her. Unless you tell me that you allow the family cat to nurse your six year old child to build up antibodies, I can pretty much go with the flow and respect the choices of others. But this? It was horrible to watch, so I can only imagine how the little girl felt in her heart. The parents seemed oblivious to everyone in the play area staring at them, but the little girl noticed, and started crying. This enraged the mother, and her yelling became more vicious, lashing out at the girl that “she didn’t need this” and “she didn’t need to spend her day like this, maybe she should just drop her off at a sitter”.   

I didn’t step in. At no time was the either parent violent towards the girl or did they threaten violence. I wanted to step in, but I was unsure of how that would play out for the girl. Would she get beat at home for embarrassing her parents? For causing a scene? I stood there, my eyes focused on the little girl, saying a prayer for her and sending her love. I’m not sure there was anything else to be done. If the parents behaved this way in public, with 30 or so people staring at them, what in the world went on behind closed doors at home? NO ONE has the right to make a child feel unlovable or unworthy.  

 They never hit or shoved her, but I can imagine the hurt those words caused. Parents are supposed to be a safe haven in the world for children, the two people they can depend on the most. Parenting, especially in the early years, is what provides a child his or her self-esteem and sense of understanding of how the world works. Unconditional love is a right all children are born with. I would be devastated if my children ever cowered in fear from my actions or words. It would mean I am directly and absolutely failing at my job of raising them with love and compassion.   

Don’t get me wrong – my kids are rascals and they get hollered at. They are disciplined. When the two year old climbs the entertainment center to obtain more leverage in order to body slam his sister into a pile of plastic dinos he has strategically placed behind her, believe me, we do more than just hug out our feelings. They understand the power of consequences and apologies.   

Many times it is not what you say, but how you say it. Kindness, humor, games, and silliness are far more motivating to a little kid than anger and meanness and fear.   

I get that parenting is hard. I understand the frustrating and trying moments. I completely acknowledge that none of us do it perfectly, at least not two days in a row. I know there a moments when we all lose our cool.  

As parents we are entrusted with the tiny bodies and precious minds of our children. There is nothing more important we do with our day than to do right by our children. Love begets love. Kindness begets kindness. There is nothing more important you can do with your day than to parent your children well.   

 For more, see here:   

 The effects and dangers of emotional abuse in young girls, see here.   

 On Positive Parenting, see here.   

 An insightful definition of “Parent”, see here.   

 On building self-esteem in your daughter, see here.

 That’s what we are told, right? Don’t get fat. Almost from birth, it seems, our girls are told only certain body shapes are acceptable. Desirable. Achievable. Researchers are starting to see weight concerns in girls as young as five and six. The average dieter begins her career at the tendor age of 11. Eleven. Eleven years old should be outside climbing trees and practicing piano. Not counting carbs and ab crunches. I’m all for healthy and fit kids, but people, we’ve got problems here. When many feel that girls’ negative body image has gotten out of control, Dr. Robyn Silverman PhD has authored a new book that puts some sanity back into the conversation. “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat: How Weight Obsession Is Messing Up Our Girls And How We Can Help Them Thrive Despit It” has just hit stores in October and is getting rave reviews, from experts and parents alike. See more here.  Whether you are a parent of tween or a two year old, this book is a must read. I work in the business of girl empowerment and self-esteem and the first 50 pages blew me away. I’m the first to tell you that I’m not an expert on disordered eating or full blown Eating Disorders, but I know a thing or two about healthy, self-confident girls. And our girls are being failed.   

 The book is 233 pages of practical advice, tips, talking points, and a resource guide. It covers issues for both mom and dad, siblings, teachers, and friends. “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat” includes help deconstructing media and ads, provides asset builders, and current research. This book, that was ten years in the making, will leave you with the confidence and tools needed to raise your daughter (and son) in a Fat Talk Free Zone where she can shine on to becoming her most healthy, most confident self.   

I was so moved by Dr. Robyn’s book, and the easy way in which she presents some heavy hitting material to parents whom she knows are busy and pressed for time, that I offered to do a t-shirt for her. Our artist, named Melissa (not me, I can’t draw, people) did a magnificent job of capturing the feeling we want EVERY woman and girl to have when she looks in the mirror. Notice all those words in her silhouette? Dr. Robyn provided those, hoping every girl carries each word in her heart. You can find the tee HERE.   

  SMART ~ CONFIDENT ~ LOYAL ~ AMAZING ~ ACITVE ~ CREATIVE ~ INTUITIVE ~ OUTGOING ~ UNIQUE ~ LOVING ~ FRIENDLY ~ CARING ~ LEADER ~ COLORFUL ~   

TALENTED ~ PASSIONATE ~ SINCERE ~ AMBITIOUS ~ BEAUTIFUL   

I had a couple of questions for Dr. Robyn after I finished “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat”. Dr. Robyn and I are friends, and I knew I could be very frank with her because I was having trouble putting my head around some of the info in her book. Here, read:   

Me: Dr. Robyn, I’ve always known that as girls go through their teens, some of them are extremely, maybe overly concerned about their bodies. But the stories in your book shocked me, literally shocked me. Girls aren’t just skipping a meal here or there or exercising a whole bunch, they are truly hurting themselves. I tend to Mother Hen, and there were times when I was reading your book and I would let out a little “Oh, no!” or an “Oh! Oh honey, no no no!” as I read about what these girls were doing to their bodies. You and I both have very young daughters, what can we do as moms to help prevent this kind of body hatred?     

Dr. Robyn: Believe me, my stomach was turning and my mind was shouting as I heard the stories as well from girls who ran the range between disordered eating and actual full blown eating disorders. Yes, girls engage in a variety of scary behaviors to keep themselves from eating.  The good news is, that as mothers of young children, we can start early with building up our daughters’ body esteem and sense of positive self worth. There are so many tips throughout the book for moms—so here I’ll highlight a few!     

We’ve talked a lot about the impact of media, toys, and positive role models a lot before—and you certainly discuss this with your savvy moms on the Pigtail Pals forums.  If we want our girls to understand that there is a range of bodies—acceptable, beautiful, worthwhile, and common—then we need to show it to them. We need to watch the toys and media that come into the home—do they show a wide range or a narrow range? This provides a template.      

Also, we have to think about real life. When we expose our girls to a range of fantastic role models in real life who are talented, successful, beautiful, and vibrant, girls can see that they can be this way too. Think of the girl who knows her Aunt is a Scientist or an Astronaut.  She knows that these professions are not only possible but actual real serious positive options for a girl.  The same goes for body type and size. The only way to beat the myth that there is only one acceptable, beautiful, and worthwhile type and size of body (very thin) is to provide an alternative—the truth!     

And speaking of the truth—young girls typically believe whatever they see in print because they think concretely.  That’s what’s age appropriate, after all. So we need to talk to them about the “tricks” the media uses to get them to think a certain way. Girls don’t like to be duped.  Even saying something like “look at the 5 girls they use in this advertisement! They all look very similar, don’t they? But we know girls all look different from each other, right? Let’s talk about all the beautiful girls and women we know…”     

One more thing—when you are talking about beautiful girls and women—don’t forget to include yourself! Our girls need to hear that not only do their Moms believe that their daughters are beautiful (inside and out) but that they believe that they are beautiful (inside and out) too! We can’t expect our girls to see the beauty in themselves if we can’t see the beauty in ourselves.     

There are hundreds of tips in Good Girls Don’t Get Fat—I’ll look forward to hearing which ones the PigTail Pals Parents love!     

Me: Okay, I know I’ve asked you this two or three times on the phone, but are all of the stories real? I cannot put my head around some of the atrocious things parents say to their kids. And the girls who beat their stomachs to stop the hunger pains, or jab book corners or pencils into their sides to punish their bodies for expressing hunger….I just have to ask, this is all real?     

Dr. Robyn: Unfortunately, you can’t make this stuff up. So, yes, the stories are true.  The first one that I had heard from a woman a few years ago that made me gasp was the one in chapter 2 (p. 40) where the girl, Sage, age 5, was so eager to see her mother after being away from her all summer, and the first thing her mother said to her when the car door opened was “What happened to you? How did you get so fat? What have you been eating?” I knew then that this book was going to send me reeling. There were many nights I couldn’t sleep because of what the girls and women would tell me.     

Another story that really got me angry and sad was in chapter 4 (p. 120-121) where the mother didn’t speak up for her daughter, Rita, when she was continually bashed by the neighbor, in her own home! I could just hear the pain in the young woman’s voice as she told me what was said—about her body (i.e. “fat,” “ugly”)—about her character (i.e. “slut,” “will end up fat and pregnant and living off you”)—and how nobody came to her rescue even at the young age of 10 years old. Rita is admittedly broken as an adult and remembers clearly that any expression of hurt was quickly labeled “too sensitive.”     

When I spoke to my site’s eating disorders blogger recently about the ‘pain for pounds’ section that you mentioned, she told me that it didn’t surprise her at all that people were doing these things to stave off hunger.  Yes, I was shocked when I initially heard about it too. While it’s a more severe approach, some girls will do whatever it takes to maintain a thin body. The most shocking part? Many of these unhealthy techniques are written about in plain sight on “pro-ana” (pro-anorexia) or “pro-mia” (pro-bulimia) websites- from snapping a rubberband against your wrist each time you feel hungry to tightening your belt.     

Me: You and I both have very involved, hands-on husbands who spend a lot of time with our young daughters. You talk about this in Chapter 3, but how important are dads in this issue of raising girls with healthy body image? Its not just a mother/daughter thing, is it?     

Dr. Robyn: Yes, chapter 3 is devoted to Dads– Fathers play such an important role in shaping their daughters’ opinions about their bodies.  Dads are the first man in their daughters’ lives. They set the expectation about what men think is beautiful, acceptable, and worthy in women.  How fathers treat their spouses as well as what they say or do around their daughters regarding body size, weight, dieting, food, fitness, and boundaries all contribute to how their daughters view themselves. In my book, I talk about many different ways fathers can send the wrong message to their daughters. Do they make comments about people’s weights? Are they very controlling about what their daughters eat, the times they eat, how much they eat—influencing their daughter’s ability to learn self moderation and intuitive eating?     

One of the ways many fathers influence their daughters’ opinion about themselves is when they don’t say anything at all.  This may be surprising to some.  I call it “ghosting.” (p. 86) When fathers simply walk out of the room or stay quiet when the topic of weight, calories, fat, or body size comes up, they send a message that they endorse what’s being said.  Our daughters need to hear from their fathers that the information out there (“girls are worth more when they weigh less”), is a myth. They need to hear that men think women and girls with all different body types are beautiful and worthy and what is represented in the magazines is shallow and inaccurate.  They also need to hear “you are beautiful” from their fathers but also the many other things they admire in their daughters; strength, talent, smarts, effort, goals, and personality.     

Me: I love how your book includes dealing with siblings, teachers, and peers as we work to create a Fat Talk Free Zone around our daughters. Just this weekend my family had a party where I overheard two of my adult girlfriends and two of their teen daughters participating in Fat Talk right in front of my four year old. I wanted to scream, but instead I said something polite, trying to reframe the conversation for my daughter’s ears. With the holidays coming up, where special foods and diet talk prevail, do you have any tips for parents trying to raise their kids in a Fat Talk Free Zone?     

Dr. Robyn: (Funny, this is something I’m writing about for the Holidays!) In order to create a Fat Talk Free Zone (p. 117, 123), you first need to declare it.  The Holidays are a perfect time to do so because food and weight is often discussed.  I tell parents to go ahead and hang it right on the door.  Even something like; “You are now entering the Fat Talk Free Zone: Inquire Within” can give you an opening to discuss your new “rule” for “Healthy Holidaying.” If you have someone who repeatedly talks negatively about her body or someone else’s, talk to that person about your hope for the holiday. Feel free to blame my book or to ask him/her to help you establish the Fat Talk Free Zone for the sake of your girls. Next, be sure to set the tone. Be the one to break tradition and ask everyone to say one to three things about themselves that they’re grateful to be blessed with—and don’t be afraid to start. “I’m grateful for my beautiful curvy body, a mind that’s great with numbers, and a family that supports me in going a little against the grain.” You might also flip this and have everyone say something they admire about another person in the room. Finally, stick with it. This needs to be more than something you do on the holidays.  Establishing the Fat Talk Free Zone is something that takes work, patience, and practice so we need to do it all year long.      

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Folks, usually I don’t tell you to buys stuff (except Pigtail Pals stuff!) but I really believe this book is a must. Ask a couple of your parent friends to buy a copy and read it together. Talk about it. Get a copy for your babysitter. Share about it with the teachers at school, your pediatrician, anybody willing to listen and who is interested in ending this societal insanity of body pressure surrounding our girls. My house is a Fat Talk Free Zone. I demand it. We need to restore some health and common sense to the messages our daughters receive. “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat” is an excellent, accessible, informative tool every parent needs.     

“Good Girls Don’t Get Fat” is available on Amazon, Borders, and Barnes & Noble.  

Praise for “Good Girls Don’t Get Fat”:
“Good Girls Don’t Get Fat offers another deeply important layer to the conversation about body image and self-esteem. It is a vital and delicious read for anyone wanting to further explore the connection between our self-worth and appetite for life.” -Jess Weiner, author and Global Ambassador for the Dove Self Esteem Fund

Rachel Simmons is the kind of person I wish I had known when I was twelve. Or rather, I wish my mom had known her. Rachel’s work  and writing is very very important to girls, but more specifically to the parents of girls.

Because Rachel really gets it. She gets girls, how they think and behave and treat friendships and react to pressures on them. Rachel is an author and speaker whose work educates girls and young women to “…grow into authentic, emotionally intelligent and assertive adults”.

From the ages of ten to thirteen my life was made miserable by some girls in my class and I feel like if I had known about Rachel Simmons maybe surviving the drama that is teenage girlhood would have been significantly easier. I wish my frenemies and I could have attended one of Rachel’s workshops. Or book tour events. Luckily for you, Rachel and all of her awesomeness is on tour this fall with her Be You! The Real Girl Tour. If you have a girl ages 8 and up, all I can say is go. Go. Go. Go.

The tour is described as a “fun, interactive back-to-school workshop…Rachel will teach girls powerful strategies to express themselves with authenticity and confidence, deal with friend drama effectively, and make healthy decisions in relationships. Adults will learn tools to support girls on the journey.”

All I can say is go. Go. Go. Go.

Rachel is well aware of my complete adoration of her, so she agreed to answer some questions for us.

Get to know Rachel:

I want parents and daughters to have enjoyed a fun evening connecting with each other and learning some new ways to communicate and get the most out of relationships. Never underestimate the power of laughing with your daughter and realizing that a whole bunch of other girls and parents have the same questions and worries you do.

2. What is the best part, for you, when you see moms and girls connecting with each other at your events?

So while I let out another snort over the mental image of Mrs. Simmons walking around Rachel’s girlhood home growling like a monster, you take a look at these tour dates and pick which one you can attend. I heard a rumor the first to are sold out, on account of Rachel’s awesomeness. I’m not kidding people, Go Go Go!

Tour Details – click HERE for full location details and ticket info

Monday, September 13
DANVILLE, CA
Los Cerros Middle School

Tuesday, September 14
ATHERTON, CA
Menlo Atherton Performing Arts Center

Wednesday, September 22
DALLAS, TX
The Lamplighter School

Thursday, September 30
HOUSTON, TX
St. Agnes Academy

Monday, October 4
ST. LOUIS, MO
Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School

Monday, October 11
DECATUR, GA
The Decatur High Performing Arts Center

 They are interesting things, caterpillars. They eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and eat and grow and then…..they stop. They come into the quiet part of their life.  

I’m not waxing poetic. That’s what the instruction booklet says.  

My daughter named our “callipitter”, Cup. He has doubled in size, and then again, since we got him this weekend. On Monday night we had finished watching HUGE  and my Girl Gang was nomming on brownie sundaes, Cup still sat in his little caterpillar tent on the table where my daughter had left him after showing him off to the girls during dinner. While the girls discussed the fudgey goodness that was our brownies and everything that went down during the show, I noticed Cup the Caterpillar had stopped eating. Literally for the first time in days. He just sat there, fat and happy.  

Fat and happy. After eating and eating and eating and doing nothing but eating for days, he is happy and he stopped. I don’t know how he knows to stop. I have no idea about the mental capacities of caterpillars. I’m guessing he doesn’t read fashion magazines or attend a 12 step program or feel societal pressure over the fact he has quadrupled in size in six days. I think Cup just knows somehow that he has had enough to keep him full for the quiet part of his life.  

The part of his life when he’ll use this fullness, this knowing he is content, to become quiet and still inside a blanket of silk, and then….and then a magic I don’t undestand, but Cup will become a butterfly. A monarch, and he’ll spend the winter in Mexico.  But for now he is just fat and happy. Perhaps one could venture to say, Cup is Living HUGE.  

Thank goodness there aren’t self destructive caterpillars. Could you imagine? Caterpillars that eat themselves to death, exploding into a caterpillar goo because they couldn’t call it quits with the milkweed. Or caterpillars who refuse to partake in the oppotunity given to them, so instead of transforming into a graceful and soaring butterfly, they remain what basically is a glorified worm.  Or what about caterpillars who refuse to eat at all, and never experience the fatness and happiness that comes with feeling full of life. Caterpillars that give up the chance to be a butterfly. Wouldn’t that just be heartbreak?  

Of course, we’re not really talking about caterpillars anymore, are we? Take a look at Girl Gang:
  

There’s no official name for the fear of butterflies. I looked it up. Wouldn’t that be silly? Afraid of butterflies.  

I’m glad Cup doesn’t steal from others to look cool in front of his friends. Or chug vodka out of water bottles and vomit in the woods. Or sabotage workouts or lie to friends or not defend his brother during a moment of humiliation and pain. I’m extremely relieved Cup doesn’t text, or answer to booty calls in the back seat of a car with someone else’s spouse. It would upset me to learn that Cup hates himself, especially over self destructive decision he chose to follow out. It seems we lucked out with a very sensible caterpillar, accepting the journey that is ahead of him.

Perhaps the only thing more ridiculous than being afraid of butterflies is being afraid to become one.

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Jess Weiner’s Discussion Guide for Week 8, click here  

For information on our caterpillar Cup, or where you can get your own non self destructive monarch caterpillar, visit www.caterpillarcaregiver.com

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An update on Cup the Caterpillar Butterfly

 

That is Amelia, to the left here. My four year old daughter. Actually, four and a half, she would have me tell you. You see, she is working very hard at turning five, because then she will be allowed to chew gum.

I do not have anything against gum. Until all of this came about, I never really thought about gum. I am aware that a four year old, and certainly a four and a half year old, could chew it. Upon occasion I enjoy its minty refreshing taste. One day she asked for a piece and long story short I made the executive decision the gum chewers of our family needed to be five. And now? It has become this thing. This thing that we talk about – between our family, our playgroup mommies, our teenage babysitters who always seem to be chewing gum…

When Amelia turns five, she will be allowed to go out and buy her first pack of mint gum.

Amelia will wait, not because I care at all about gum. But because I care that she thinks it is something big girls do so she must wait until she is a big girl too.

For now, it works. If my daughter thinks something is off limits because it is something reserved for big girls, I’m okay with that. I’m in no rush to grow her.

I just don’t like rushing childhood. There are those few, small, precious, simple years that our kids are our very own without the world crushing down on us. A set of years when the world is an expanse in front of them. A world most preschoolers would have you know they have already figured out and know more about than you do. But they don’t have it all figured out yet, and there is so much soaking in of information during these first several years that I want to make sure the information I provide is the best I can find.

I show the world to my daughter. We adventure. We have items all around our home from the collective world travels of my husband and I. Indiana Jones meets Craftsman Revival. We take the kids frequently to the city for diversity and culture. We Skype with the uncle in Costa Rica, who talks to her in Spanish.

But inside my home, in the nest I have created for my two chicks, I want sweet, simple childhood. For as long as I can have it. Crayons and bubbles and wooden blocks and puzzles and books and dominoes and dinosaurs and other such things of that reflect the open-ended ways of their thinking and imagination.

That’s why Amelia holds a hand-made cloth doll that she picked out, looks like her, and has her name sewn to the back. It came with instructions – I’m sure you see the sticker Amelia is displaying for you. Sweet, simple childhood. For now, it is our world.

And for those that know me, know my company, and know my blog, I’ll fight to keep it that way.

You see, not all toys carry this magic. Most toys come with infuriating twist-tie packaging and batteries and plastic gender-stereotyped colors and a scripted role that influences how the child plays with it. What’s worse, some toys come with versions of beauty and size and worth that mess with a child’s developing sense of self. These toys are sexualized, and for now, maybe forever, they have no place in my home. I don’t buy certain products or allow them as gifts because I see them as harmful and unhealthy for my children. Both my girl child and my boy child. In my home, for now, sexualized toys have no place.

Ironically, when I send my child to school, to learn about the expansive world she is a little member of, she sees Princesses and Tinkerbell and Barbie and Hannah. Everywhere. Because these versions of what it is to be a girl have become something of uniform for all of her little classmates. A couple of her closest girl friends have nothing but this stuff on clothing, backpacks, toys in the home, etc. And that is where my frustrations come in – because there is such a big world out there with so many possibilities, why limit our daughter’s thinking to beauty and fashion and make-up and attracting boys? Although you wouldn’t know it from the toy aisles, I think my daughter deserves more. Deserves better.

She deserves toys that, unlike the Mattel Barbie Fashionista with “Miss Sassy” scrawled across her chest, allow her to be a child. I don’t see much value in dolls like Barbie. They are stereotyped, sexualized (especially when dressed like the one to the left), and carry impossible body proportions. It teaches a girl a very narrow version of womanhood. Sure parents can talk to kids about what pretty means and healthy bodies, but at the end of the day the child is still holding a doll that contradicts all of that. When a girl plays with one, she usually sits, creates a dramatic scene, and after a change of clothes or two, acts out the script in her head. I have a friend who defended her daughters playing with Barbie by saying they create scenes where their Barbies go camping and fight off bears. That’s how my friends and I used to play with Barbies, too. And I remember thinking it was fun. But it could have been with a doll that didn’t look like Barbie and been just as much fun. Or we could have been outside fighting off bears for ourselves.

When my daughter comes across Princesses and Barbie and such at stores or school or friends’ houses, she sometimes enjoys playing with them or will ask for a Princess purse or toothbrush. We can’t avoid it, or live in a bubble, so we usually have the “Why do you think they are fun?” or “How would you play with it?” talk. It 99% of the time ends with Amelia deciding there are other fun things to chose from.

I asked Dr. Logan Levkoff, PhD, more about her thoughts on this after we chatted back and forth on twitter on Friday about this. Her kids are close in age to mine, and what she says makes a lot of sense to me:

I find that working with positive and negative images/representations of gender is really helpful – as both a parent and an educator.

I ask lots of questions of my kids (in this case, my 5 year old son). I ask him why he likes a character, what he thinks he/she does, why they are dressed a certain way, and so on. While it seems like this line of questioning is sophisticated, it lays the groundwork for ongoing critical thinking and media literacy. We are a non stereotypical home; my son’s favorite color is hot pink (even though his best girlfriend told him it was a girl’s color), he has long hair, and simultaneously loves sports and hunting for bugs (there’s a huffpost of mine about this).  And he does have a disney princess pool towel. While he used to really like the princesses – he told me recently they were “boring”. When I asked why, he responded, “all they do is get married”. It was validation for me that he could be both entertained and critical.

I completely understand that little girls (and boys) are handed grotesque displays of stereotypes and sexualization. But I would rather my children be able to explore these images and messages at home then to only see them within the context of someone else’s home without the opportunity to think critically about them.

And don’t get me wrong, there are times when my son – or his friends/neighbors – talk about how pretty a character is. When that happens, I show them all different pictures of what I consider pretty. And I challenge them to think of all the other qualities that are more important than “prettiness.”

I think Dr. Levkoff is very smart and very right – we don’t want our kids seeing this stuff within a context that does not allow us to talk to them about it. Kids need our guidance and wisdom to figure out this world and the sometimes crazy things in it. To me, giving a child a doll like the Barbie above just doesn’t make sense. If I saw a real life woman dressed like this she wouldn’t earn my respect and I’d judge what she does for gainful employment. That may not be right or fair, but it is me being honest. You’ll notice in the corner of the packaging, it says for Ages 3+

My daughter is Ages 3+. And for now, maybe forever, we’ll keep talking about it, but we’ll keep it out of our home. I don’t want her girlhood, nor her adulthood, looking like the doll above. I do want it looking like the doll below.

So, for now, dolls like these.

You can find the adorably sweet Sophie & Lili dolls here, there are so many to choose from!

You can learn more about Dr. Logan Levkoff  here, and read her HuffPo column here.

Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. (@loganlevkoff) is a sexologist, sexuality educator, and author of parenting book, “Third Base Ain’t What it Used to Be: What Your Kids are Learning about Sex Today – and How to Teach Them to be Sexually Healthy Adults.”

It all started with a bumper sticker in the parking lot of the post office in my medium sized Wisconsin town. The sticker, and more importantly its meaning, got me thinking about the words we say, especially around our kids. How long do those words we say stay with them?

“My daughter serves in the US Army. Because your son is a wuss.”

I was surprised and offended, mostly because I never thought about the two going hand in hand. It hadn’t occurred to me that a woman can only be patriotic and brave, able and willing to serve her country if the men are “wusses” and unable to do so. Up until that moment I did not think one was contingent upon the other.  I asked the Pigtail Pals’ community on Facebook and Twitter what they thought. The majority of people agreed it was inappropriate, except for one lady who said we were all too hypersensitive and it was just a ‘battle of the sexes’ thing.

And then one reader said this: “I find that bumper sticker offensive for exactly the reasons listed in the original status and because, you know, WORDS MEAN SOMETHING.”

For the rest of the week, I paid attention to the words I used around my two children, or what I heard said by other parents to their children. We live in a society with a lot of words, all day long: Texts. Internet. The crawl at the bottom of the tv. Radio on while talking to kids in the car. Email. More texts. Maybe a good blog post or two. Facebook. Etc.

With all of these words coming into our heads, when does all of this shift from noise to words that require we raise the flag and say “Enough! What you just said was offensive!”. And when is doing so being too sensitive? When should I just relax, as I’m told all the time by people who don’t dig media literacy.

I hear moms Fat Talk in front of their kids, and I hate it. Especially when they do it in front of their girls. I don’t like off-color or racist jokes. I do not tolerate sexist comments. I find homophobia offensive. And although I don’t believe in public shaming, I hugely dislike when parents are blatantly rude and unloving to their children.

Is it just words? In the case of racism, sexism, gay bashing or belittlement, no. Those words are weighted. And your kid are taking every drop of it in.

Words do mean something. In our rapid, tech based culture they are a form of currency. Even when they are shortened and anyone over 28 has no idea what the heck is being said, YKWIM?

Words can stay with us for life. I have a friend who’s father said something hurtful about her looks when she was a young teen, and it carries with her to this day. It was the basis of her self-esteem for years and years. When she told me what he said, and I remember being shocked and saddened a father could be so cruel to his daughter.

My kids talk a lot. All day. And in their sleep. They call people on the phone to chat, sometimes upwards of 20 minutes. At 4 years old and 2 years old, when every day is a discovery, there is a lot to talk about. I love talking with them. My daughter creates amazing stories and my baby son says really cute stuff like “Oh, deese bo-nana, eets so heeby.” I don’t hang on their every word, and usually once a day I beg my daughter to stop talking, just for 15 minutes. When they don’t leave me alone when I’m trying to work, they often get told “Beat it” or “Scram outta here”. It is said lovingly, I assure you, and it is their cue to go freelance for a bit so mom can get some work done. And since I’m a big believer in kids needing to be able to entertain themselves (unplugged), I have no guilt as that is probably the harshest thing my kids will hear during the day (unless they have once again done something wicked, upon which I screech “Are you kidding me?!?”).

So as I spend the week thinking about words and what they mean, I have a heartbreaking experience at Wal-Mart. My girl and I are in the checkout, and the family behind is fighting. I’m not sure about what. At first, my girl is oblivious to it, until she hears the tone in which the mother hisses to her tween-aged daughter. My girl’s eyes get big, she scurries over to me, and takes refuge behind my hip as we hear this from the mother:

“I don’t really care, Amber. You just need to get away from me right now. Just get the hell away from me. Get away from me or I’ll knock you to the f*%$ing floor.”

Now, I don’t like to play the “I’m a better Mommy” game with other women. I wouldn’t judge somebody from just a snapshot of their life. But as Jessica Gottlieb says, “I know today, I’m doing this right.” Because I would NEVER use those words with my children.

I’m mad at myself, because in what is a very rare occasion, I had something to say but didn’t because my little daughter was standing there. I didn’t think my saying something to this woman would result in anything good. So I redirected my words.

I turned to the tween girl and said:

“You are worth more than what your mother tells you. And no one has the right to knock you to the floor. I hope you grow up to know that.”

Then I turned to my girl, kissed her on the face and said,

“I think you are a really, really special kid. Let’s scram outta here.”

And in that moment, I hope my daughter soaked up every word. You know why?

Because words mean something.

Does your daughter have a personal brand? I don’t mean her favorite store to shop at, I mean a trademark identity and personality that she leaves like a business card for the world to see. You know, global brand visibility…for your ten year old. Let me back up a step….

This past weekend I hopped on a plane to Los Angeles to attend a brainstorming session hosted by the luminous Jess Weiner. I was incredibly excited to be part of what Jess called an “organic experiment” to determine if those leading the industry in empowerment and health for women and girls could form a collaborative community. Take a few dozen like minded men and women, inspired stories, amazing accomplishments, and a soaring energy level….you get a very emotional and creative day. Oh yeah, and Amy Poehler. Really.

While we want to keep the details of the discussion within the space it was held, I did want to share something I took away from the event. It brought me back to my days as a high schooler in Student Council. During junior high and high school I had opportunities to partake in leadership training camps and conferences that have served me well many years later. While I sat at my table listening to Jess, I remembered an experience I had as an 8th grader listening to a motivational speaker. (I think the presence of Super Teen Schmiddlebopper helped me recall those days with ease.) This speaker told a story about his high school reunion and the table he sat at among his old friends. Actually, he described two types of tables. Table A talked about all the amazing and crazy things they had done together. Table B’s conversation was a recollection of watching Table A do it all. The speaker then asked which table we would want to be sitting at 20 years from now.

In that moment, my brand was born.

I had been told by my parents all my life that I could do anything. My dad had me playing sports early and learning the stock market before I could write cursive. Hell, my mom was a Gifted and Talented Coordinator, which is like having Successories motivational poster as a parent. I grew up in affluent communities, one of which was home to the uber-brand conscious Kohler Company, an experience that could only be compared to living in a corporate Lake Wobegon, “where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average”. (Garrison Keillor)

I made the most of my high school years, my college years, and my 20′s. I didn’t have a lot of the insecurities a lot of girls have growing up because frankly, it didn’t occur to me to be obsessed about my thighs or my nose or the boy three lockers down. I was too busy doing my own thing, building my brand.

Of course, since the time I was fourteen and originally heard the high school reunion table metaphor, there have been a few re-branding initiatives. I am now in my early 30′s, a mother, business owner, and activist with a supportive husband and a passion to turn things around for a our girls and encourage them to take the world as their own. That is my trademark identity, and those who talk with me in real life or over social media know that my personality comes out in about 3 seconds flat.

During the weekend with Jess, one of the things we talked about was “personal brand”. This isn’t a stereotype or category to fit into. It means that success and achievement come from self-definition and self-packaging.

It means authenticity. Transparency. Knowing your target market. Adding value to your community. Creating a footprint. And, most important, Corporate Ethics.

How does this apply to your daughter? Or you, for that matter? Well, it means the same thing that Pigtail Pals’ mission of Redefine Girly means: Define for yourself who you will be in this world. One definition of ‘brand’ reads:

The recognition and perception of a brand is highly influenced by its visual presentation. A brand’s visual identity is the overall look of its communications.

What kind of visual presentation does your daughter give? I don’t mean her style of dress or if she has braces. I mean does she hold her head up and look people in the eye? Does she speak clearly and articulately? Does she know how to give a proper handshake and stand on her own to feet with confidence? These are the kind of things that will influence teachers, scholarship boards, college admissions, mentors, and job interviews.

What about the overall look of her communications? Does she have a supportive and dedicated group of friends? Is she a leader or does she let someone else carve a path for her to follow after? Does she repeat the Fat Talk she hears? Does she respect her body and treat herself in a healthy and caring way? Does she add value to her community? Is she creating her own footprint? How you communicate to your daughter, how she communicates with herself, and how she interacts with her world at young ages will determine how confidently she enters adolescence and adulthood.

What about her credo and corporate ethics? What kind of mission statement would she craft for herself? What is her passion and how does she honor that? Does she conduct herself in a way that shows respect both for herself and your family values and rules? Does she admit when she is wrong and take ownership of her mistakes? Often times life isn’t about being the smartest person in the room, it is about being the most authentic. Authenticity is like a muscle that needs constant strengthening and conditioning — your daughter needs to be taught to be faithful to herself. Always.

Kids are capable of a lot. A lot. Probably more than we give them credit for. If your daughter is very young, engage her with the tools and experiences necessary to create a strong sense of self and a powerful personal brand. If your daughter is a bit older, talk to her about some of the things listed above. A solid handshake, grounded self-esteem, and a core sense of ethics might just be the greatest gifts you can bestow upon your girl.

And Mamas, gut check. Do you need a revamp your personal brand? If so, consider the questions above. Join Jess Weiner’s Actionist® Network for more great inspiration. Click here for info.

{Great post here by Dr. Robyn Silverman and weekend attendee about creating a Confidence Community™ for you and your kids}