Posts Tagged ‘sexualization’

Me, holding my daughter and my baby nieces. What messages are these girls growing up with?

Media is a diet, and these days, we consume a lot of media. Screen time, advertisements, print, billboards, products….it is everywhere. Media is a part of our children’s lives like no other generation before them. What is it telling them?

When I wrote these two questions on Facebook yesterday, I was just wasting time while my attention span was getting increasingly short as I finished up a chapter for my editor. I wasn’t expecting to turn either into a blog post, until I finished a 90 minute interview with a newspaper reporter. A lot of what I was telling her about gender stereotypes, sexualization, and girls in the media was new to her and I could tell that a couple of facts blew her mind. Later in the afternoon I came back to the page and the difference in answers to these two questions was staggering. It was the perfect side-by-side comparison to what I had just been speaking to the reporter about.

Question 1: “When I was eight years old, I wanted to be _____________________ when I grew up.”

The 179 answers given by our community were fun to read. It seems the general age range of people who answered was 18-55(ish).

Answers: Lots of teachers, nurses, veternarians, astronauts, marine biologists, performers (dance, stage, singing), forensic scientists, paleontologists, and archaeologists. Photographers, National Geographic explorers/writers, artists, lawyers, and doctors rounded out the top answers. “A mom” was another common answer.

There were a few fighter pilots, politicians, librarians, journalists, nuns, police officers, animal trainers, fashion designers, a judge and a computer programmer.

There were some original answers, like: “Once I gave up on becoming Chinese” and a pool digger. A James Bond villain and a mafia hit man.  Jedi, Indiana Jones, and Solid Gold dancer – holla to the 80′s kids!

Several of the women said they desperately wanted to be a boy. A couple of people wanted to morph into a dog, a tiger, a horse. I get that, as when I was eight years old I wanted to be a unicorn.

What I loved was the huge diversity in answers. Some people became their childhood dream, others found new dreams along the way. I wonder how different the answers would be if we polled a large group of 8 year olds today. Specifically, what answers would the girls give? What are girls encouraged to explore and become these days? 

Question 2: ”What the market bears is a litmus test of our society, and right now the message for girls is that _______________?” 

• “…being an airhead-concerned about weight, beauty, clothes, and themselves; is more important than enforcing they BE some one-scientist, Dr, RN, Firefighter, Manicurist, coach, whatever their little hearts desire!” –Alicia
• “…they can only aspire to look pretty and dress in sexualized clothing. That they aren’t capable of having careers that have anything to do with science or math and they should focus instead on sexy, frilly, pink things to make themselves look good for others (particularly boys/men).” –Sandy
• “being a girl is essentially different from just being a child; it is an ethereal thing which must be constantly sustained with copious amounts of pink and sparkles lest, like Tinker Bell, it perishes because we did not believe hard enough, and we become no longer a girl, but something lost and invisible.” –Kylie
• “…That style is more than substance. And that achieving that style is an endless, uphill battle that will never be won.” –Monica
• “…the shorter the skirt, the heavier the makeup, the more flagrant the flaunting of low self worth through various means, the more ‘normal’ you are.” –Susan
• “…girl power means you can do or be anything, as long as you do it society’s way.” –Alice
• “…be cute, be sexy, be pretty but don’t be yourself.” -Jennifer
• “…sex sells.” –Chris
• “…Outward appearance and their ability to flaunt it is what will get them ahead in life.” –Jodi
• “…your options are limited. your dreams are not your own.” – Jill
• “…Don’t expect to get ahead in life without being pretty, even if you are smart and talented.” –Megan
• “….you should be seen, but not heard.” – Jennifer
• “…Beauty is worth” – Alison
• “…there is some recognition that they can achieve much, but that it is farcical or a waste or contemptible if they don’t look cute doing it, or that they achieve only because they fail at being attractive.” –Tara
• “…pink glitter makes you a woman.” –Sarah
• “…They are objects.” –Jayne
• “…We have no worth outside of Hollywood’s version of beauty and nothing to contribute if we cannot measure up to the impossible standard.” –Cheri
• “…the only option is boy OR girl; they cannot simply be a child.” -Elizabeth

Doesn’t that just take your breath away?? What messages to girls from media are missing? What COULD media be telling our girls? That their dreams, ideas, talents, visions, goals, and voice are what make them such valuable members of our families and our society.

Read over the answers again. They are all the same. From Disney’s new Princess Sophia to Barbie to Monster High to reality tv and music videos watched by tweens and teens, or almost any other kind of children’s entertainment, the message to girls is their beauty is their worth, and if they don’t have a certain version of beauty, they have no worth.

Now go back up and read the answers to the first question again. Are girls today getting the message they can be all those things? Or are we doing an incredible job of selling short 50% of children?

Media is a powerful force that not even the best parenting can avoid. We can help deter it, but we sure have our work cut out for us. What kind of things are you doing in your home to give your girls more meaningful, healthy messages?

Newest Miss Representation Trailer (2011 Sundance Film Festival Official Selection) from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

Barbie Fashionista. Box says for ages 3+.

My youngest brother is home for the holidays, and while at Target toy shopping for my kids, he decided to go into the Barbie aisle because over Thanksgiving he had watched the 20/20 piece featuring SPARK Summit dynamo Dana Edell and was stunned at what was going on in girlhood. He couldn’t believe some of what he saw during the interview with Dana wasn’t illegal. He has heard me talk about it for several years, but he wanted to see it for himself. He lives in Costa Rica and doesn’t have kids, so a lot of what Pigtail Pals talks about isn’t on his radar.

He was shopping for Legos for Amelia and Benny, but walked into the Barbie aisle to see what the fuss was about. Over Christmas he asked me, “Why are all of the Barbies dressed like whores?”.  Valid question, pejorative aside. The Barbie to our left has a face loaded with make-up, a skin-tight shirt that reads Miss Sassy, a chain link belt, and a hot pink thong clearly visible under the metallic hot pink micro-miniskirt that barely covers her Barbie bum.

For the record, he got his niece a four foot long stuffed dolphin. Good uncle.

Why do almost all of the plastic dolls we see in the toy aisles look like what we would stereotype as a sex worker? I have yet to understand how companies are passing these off as children’s toys. But parents are accepting it, and buying them, and the cycle continues.

But for parents who aren’t buying it, and who are working hard to keep their young daughters from being sexualized, how in the world does one explain Monster High to a five year old? The thing with Monster High et al is that they are so highly inappropriate, it is kind of inappropriate to discuss with a child why they are inappropriate. Since we can’t really use words like “skid row hooker” with our kindergartners and all…

Last night on our Facebook page I was asked the following:
“How do you explain why the Monster High dolls, and the like, aren’t good to a 5 year old? How do you explain what is wrong with them? I told her once that ‘they’re just not very nice.’ I honestly didn’t know what to tell her!” -Danielle

Mattel's Monster High character Clawdeen Wolf, for ages 6+.

This was my reply when the situation arose for Amelia and I:

What I said to my 5yo was that Monster High dolls were dressed in a way that I felt was inappropriate for children, that their faces looked mean not nice, and that their bodies sent our hearts unhealthy messages. We talked about different colors of hair and skin being really cool, but that these dolls made little girls focus too much on being pretty for other people and being too grown-up and that is not what kids need to do.

A few months down the road when she asked for more info, I told her that Monster High dolls have the kind of bodies that can make girls sick, because a real person could never have a body like that, and that I loved my little girl’s healthy body so much I would never want her to have something that would make her think her body wasn’t amazing.

And when she kept pushing about the clothing, I told her that girls who dress like that often don’t have full and happy hearts, and they use clothing like that to get attention and make themselves feel full. Then I took it a step further, and had her come upstairs to her dress up drawer, and picked out clothing I knew was way too small and tight for her. She put it on, and I told her to go play. Amelia said she couldn’t move because of her clothes. I then asked if she thought Monster High was silly, because how could those girls move and be teenagers who do fun things and play sports. She said she thought maybe they just stood around and looked pretty.

I told her she was absolutely right. And then we talked about other toys she had, how different they looked, and what kinds of things those dolls could do instead. I hope to grow the idea of full and happy hearts as Amelia (and Benny) age, to help her make good and healthy decisions about all kinds of things: healthy eating and exercise, drugs and alcohol, sex and relationships, good behavior in school, etc. If that is our baseline, I think the things that fall so far outside of that, whether it is Monster High or music lyrics or friends who are a bad influence, my kids will see it for what it is and be that much more equipped to make good choices for themselves.

I want to teach them to use their intuition and common sense when it comes to hard decisions. It is what I do when I tell myself there is no way in hell that dolls like Monster High or Bratz or hooker Barbies will end up in my home. I respect my children far too much to feed them a diet of garbage like that.

Then another mom added this:

“My 4 year old asked the same thing. I pointed out the clothing and said that girls her age don’t wear clothes that look like that. She seemed ok with that answer at this point, but I am certain we will need to go more in depth with it soon! We had the same convo over the Bratz dolls and some Barbies too.” -Christi

Mattel says Monster High is for tweens and teens. Which would be true, if teens played with dolls and shopped in the toy aisle and stood three feet tall.

December 20, 2011

Dear Lego,

This is a big Christmas for my family. With our children being almost six years old and three years old, we have graduated into the world of “big kid” toys. This was the first year our children were going to get real Legos from Santa. Not Mega Blocks, we’re giving our big tub of those to the little girls across the street. Not Duplos, because we’re big kids now. Legos. Real, bona fide, build-em-up but don’t-step-on-them-in-the-middle-of-the-night Legos. We were going to take the kids to Legoland in Chicago. I was so excited.

And then you broke my heart just a little bit. You sold out. You sold my daughter out. You shortchanged my son and now contribute to the skewed and narrow way girls are portrayed in media and toys. You became like every other toy maker and drank the pink Kool Aid. You stated some research  about girls needing girly Legos to build and create. Something about needing to project themselves onto their toys. Most little girls I know want to be doctors, teachers, vets, scientists, explorers, and moms when they grow up. I suppose I was a little foolish to think you’d make the Ladyfig Space Station, Ladyfig Emergency Room, Ladyfig Trek Explorer Caravan, and the special edition Ladyfig Doctors Without Borders Field Hospital and UN ambulance.  But your busty Ladyfigs in their short skirts and the gender-coded pink, turquoise, and purple bricks come as a pop star, a socialite (seriously?), and a beautician. Because nothing tells our girls to dream big like a Ladyfig in a hot tub with a fruity cocktail.

Your research showed girls like to project themselves onto the toys they are playing with, so instead of giving them Dr. Sally Ride or Hilary Clinton or Dian Fossey or Septima Clark or Margaret Mead or Amelia Earhart or Dr. Hattie Alexander, you gave them Kim Kardashian.

How is my almost six year supposed to project herself onto a socialite or pop star, when the women in our family and friends she knows closely are university deans, international humanitarian workers, teachers, nurses, business owners, and writers? I suppose I could get her Olivia’s Workshop for her January birthday, as the power tools and microscope and equations on the blackboard are more congruent with how I am raising her than the beautician sitting poolside with a Orange Mojito in her giant Ladyfig hand.

I think it is very important for little girls to build, compute, and problem solve. To actually construct things, mind you, not just move their Ladyfig vet around the vet clinic that doesn’t require much building. For spatial aptitude and mathematical skills, Legos are superb. But when I look at your “girl” sets, I see that you don’t expect much from girls. Maybe pink bricks will draw in girls who wouldn’t normally build/play with Legos, but they are still getting the short straw once they arrive to Lego in comparison to what you offer boys.

About boys, for a minute. They are raised from birth to be little masters of the universe. Girls are, by and large, told to be sweet and pretty. Your advertisements don’t show girls playing with Legos. The Legos for girls you will soon offer reinforce these gender stereotypes that boys are picking up from our culture about what to expect from girls, and what girls are capable of. I know the selection of Legos is huge, and I know that I have other Lego set options to purchase for my home. As the mother to a son and a daughter, the stereotypes found within the Lego world for girls bother me greatly. I can still hear the whooosh sound that the tub of Legos I had growing up made with my brothers and I would dump it out all over a bedroom floor and sit for hours and build. I wanted this for my children.

I was so excited to bring Legos into our home. Now, my feeling at most can be described as “meh”. Maybe we’ll give Lego a second chance. Or maybe I’ll just get the kids Bristle Blocks instead. I don’t think those come with boobs and mini-skirts.

Sincerely,
Melissa Wardy

Melissa Wardy, age 7 in 1984, with her Legos.

Guest Post by Pigtail Pals Parent Community member Amanda T. She shares her preschool-aged daugther’s experience getting a make-over at a spa. In a closet.

My fun, adventurous, huge-hearted four-year-old, ‘M’, has her very first best friend. She will tell anyone with ears that ‘A’ is her “first friend that’s a girl and who does not live with us”.

We love A. She is just as fun, adventurous, and loving as our M. We love A’s parents, too, even though we only know them from preschool drop-off, pick-up, and the few events we’ve had so far (fellow Navy family, in a home with even more daughters than ours – instant kinship). I tell you this so you’ll understand how M and I came to end up in Pretty Pretty Princess Hell. I’m still not sure how to put what happened into words without getting ‘snippy’, so I’ll just tell you how our three hours went that Saturday afternoon – that way you never have to wonder what you’re (not) missing.

We arrived at the party location, and discover it’s not even a ‘spa/salon’, but a clothing store whose small stock room has been turned into a ‘party room’ for either Divas or Pretty Princesses, depending on the ages of the guests, I suppose. The guests for our party range from age 2 to 5. Surely this will be more cake and dress-up than holding still in a chair, right? M is hastily tied into a fluffy pink robe and her “please make it sooo tight and put the ribbons riiiight HERE” hairdo is smushed into a matching headband by a young lady proclaiming, “NOW you’re ready to get pretty!” (In my head: “Well, Miss Pretty, my kid’s hair WAS out of her face, and we got ‘pretty’ before we left the house.”)

M shoots me her first “What? Why?!” look of the afternoon. The kids are given chocolate fizzy water to soak their toes in, Kidz Bop is blaring from a boombox, Miss Pretty busies herself with new guests, I make small-talk with the other moms, and the pink-on-pink décor in this way-too-small room stops being nauseating for a little bit. An hour passes, and the girls have not been “allowed” to get up. There’s nowhere to walk if they DO get up. They are restless. The Other Cool Mom and I say so, out loud. Miss Pretty passes out magazines and practically coos, “Look at all the pretty ladies and their pretty hair and makeup! Aren’t they so pretty? Can you find some pretty girls?”

The Other Cool Mom and I look over and around the rolling carts of makeup and polishes: They’ve given 2, 4, and 5 year olds Glamour and Seventeen magazines. The Rage officially fills me. I am pleased to see M staring at an orange juice ad, and pointing out that the lady in the ad likes to run fast. Miss Pretty pops up and TURNS MY DAUGHTER’S PAGE, saying, “No, not HER. Find a pretty lady.”

M gives me a look that is only a teensy bit shy of the “What the HELL?!”.  The Rage is screaming inside my head. I, loudly, tell M that running so fast probably DOES make that lady feel pretty, and M and I smile at each other. Well, M smiles. I flat out smirk at Miss Pretty. The Other Cool Mom winks at me. Miss Pretty turns two other guests’ pages for them. M gets her nails painted blue and her toes are purple glitter.

Miss Pretty moves to do someone else’s nails, and stops mid-circle of party guests to sing and dance along with the radio, “Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?”. Other Cool Mom, A’s dad, and I are the only grown-ups in the crowded party room at the time, and say – loudly – that maybe the song should be changed. Miss Pretty dances and sings. A’s dad asks – loudly – where the radio is. Miss Pretty shimmies to another 4 year old. The Rage takes over, and I cross the circle of chairs and tap her, “Let’s change the music, please. The only time we want our 4 and 5 year olds ‘hot’ is if they’re on the playground during Summer. Mm ‘kay?”

Miss Pretty puts on Miley Cyrus. A’s dad and Other Cool Mom smile, and we laugh at the absurdity of the entire situation. You’d think that was the worst of it, right? Of course not. This is only the second circle of Hell.

 We’ve got a way to go. M settled, waiting for her polish to dry, I step out of the cramped storeroom spa to admire the clothing and hair bands in the boutique storefront, guessing that cake and dress up would be next. After purchasing a gift for my nephew, I step back in to find the girls STILL SITTING. We got here at 2pm. It’s nearly 3:30! M looks worried, like she wants to come to me. She shoots me another “What? Why?!” look as oatmeal is offered to her. They are smearing oatmeal on the babies. For cryin’ out loud! Let them have cake! M refuses the ‘facial’, slumps into her chair, and looks like she may cry. She is uncomfortable, not ‘into’ this, and now asking A if there is cake to be had. I’m this close to making excuses and bolting, but she perks up when she sees the makeup another school chum has been plied with. It’s blue. It sparkles. It will wash off easily when we leave. Hooray for something that resembles ‘kid fun’ !

While the girls’ eyelids are being painted blue and purple, Other Mom and I find each other again. More moms and grandparents have showed up – and not only approve of, but are now riding the Pretty Pretty train. I spy a plaque on the wall and baffled, point to it and say, “I don’t get it. They painted it all cute like it’s…”

“Oh! Isn’t it darling?” says Other Cool Mom. WHAT? Did Other Cool Mom just say that? This sign is hot pink and black, with matching feathers coming off a mirror attached to what we call “a stripper shoe” with the words ‘High Maintenance’ above it all. And Other Cool Mom loves it, thinks it’s ‘darling’, even. I look at her like she’s turned green and sprouted antennae and finish my sentence, “I just don’t get it. They’ve got this decorated and nailed to the wall as if the label is a badge of honor. I’m not having it.” And so Other Cool Mom and I didn’t talk the rest of the day.

Back to the babies. They’re made up. They’re allowed to move around! There’s glitter spray – heavy duty stuff, not the cheap Halloween aisle kind. Miss Pretty grabs M’s arm, pulls her away from me, places one hand over her eyes and nose in a grasp hard enough to keep her from moving, and proceeds to practically bedazzle my baby’s head and half her party dress. M frowns. M just washed her hair this morning. M is not pleased. She looks right at Miss Pretty and tells her –before I can swoop in and be That Mom – “I didn’t say I needed glitters.” Miss Pretty places her hands on M’s shoulders and coos, “Aww! Don’t you want to be pretty? A pretty pretty princess? Everyone is doing it, see?”.

Oh, The Rage. Everything that comes out of this female’s mouth is just wrong. M looks at me. I look at her. She says to Miss Pretty, without a word from me, “Well, acting pretty is better.” But Miss Pretty doesn’t get it (imagine that!). The girls are dressing up now. M has spotted microphones – she has a small collection of microphones at home, ranging from plastic ones to a full-blown cordless karaoke mic. Two ‘pretty pretty princesses’ physically move M to cut in line. M wants to cry. I remind her to use manners and to say ‘excuse me, but I was here’, but she’s too timid, too uncomfortable, and getting mean-girl-looks from these 4 year olds. Four year olds!

She’s over it. She wants to go home. But we love A. A is her best gal. A is loving that M is there. M clings to A, and waits for her turn. “I don’t want this gloves. I just want only this microphone”, she tells Miss Pretty’s companion. “Oh no! Pretty Princesses wear gloves!” exclaims the companion. 

“Oh, I just wanted to be the rock star. I’m a rock star. I had blue hair for Halloween,” M informs the woman.

“No. You can’t be a rock star. A rock star is not as pretty and good as a pretty princess.”

Can you FEEL The Rage? My already uncomfortable daughter is being forced into gloves (She hates gloves, mittens, long sleeves). She concedes and asks for a purple princess cape. The pretty pretty princesses are herded out onto the rainy sidewalk for pictures. M doesn’t smile until she realizes she can twirl in her cape and use the ‘wand’ as a microphone. She sings about being a rock star even though she’s a princess. Mommy is pleased. I pull her aside as a new mom walks up and flips out when she spots her daughter-turned-bedazzled-princess – HERE is a true comrade in arms (if she had a FB, she’d friend Pigtail Pals. She rocks.)

She overhears as I tell M how proud I am of her for telling Miss Pretty that ‘acting pretty is better than being pretty’, and we spend the rest of the party outside agreeing with each other’s ‘not-so-mianstream’ views on raising daughters. M looks back at the room, knows she is needed for cake (finally!), and says to New Cool Mom and I, “This lady with the makeups thinks being pretty is all she can do. She is worrying me.” And she runs off. Proud Mom Moment. She sleeps on the way home. I rant and rave to anyone who answers their phone about what’s happened. Once home, M and I have ‘mom spa’ time: a bubbly kitchen sink hair washing, mommy’s special make-up remover (that blue was eyeliner, not shadow – she ended up at church the next day with blue bottom lashes), some hot cocoa with a huge marshmallow, and some SEC football on the tv. Once her big sister wakes up from a nap, they swap stories of their parties that afternoon.

M is quick to tell R, “It was not fun, but I liked to see my friends, and they had pink lemo-lade. A tall lady told me to only be pretty all the time, but she is wrong because we need to be all the things, not just one thing. Be friendly. Be an adventure girl. Be smart. Be happy. Be a helper. Be sweet sisters.”

R nods, asks me what happened, and we discuss it. She looks concerned. In true 5-year old social butterfly fashion she asks, “So, can I still be very pretty when I be all the other things?” Of course you can, R. Of course. M is quick to point out that it’s better to ACT pretty than BE pretty – her way of saying being nice is more important than getting dolled up. R has adopted the line, too. Proud Mommy!

Here’s a confusing question for you – Which of these things is not like the other one? Fuzzy animal backpacks, a child’s bathrobe, pint-sized high heels, and crotchless thong panties.

Wait, maybe that’s a trick question. Let’s do it this way – Which of these things would be the LAST thing you’d expect to find in a children’s apparel store? Fuzzy animal backpacks, a child’s bathrobe, pint-sized high heels, and crotchless thong panties.

Or, we could do it this way – If you had to pick a store display that said “Child Prostitution Ring” to you, what would you pick? I’ll go first:  Fuzzy animal backpacks, a child’s bathrobe, pint-sized high heels, and crotchless thong panties.

Three weeks after the story out of Greeley Colorado broke, I still have more questions than answers in the Crotchless Panty Caper. Mostly because the owners of Kids N Teen have not answered their phone for three weeks, and Greeley Mall management won’t return my phone calls. I even sent a mom into Kids N Teen and the mall management offices, and no one is interested in talking. Now, I’m a retailer, and I do two things. One, I answer my business phone every time it rings, because it is my business phone. Two, when a customer has a question, I make myself available to answer it.

But that isn’t the case here, as mall management told the mom I sent in to ask questions to leave, and then had her followed by security. And despite the pretty ballsy move by Kids N Teen to not only sell thong underwear in a store for children, but to also choose to order, receive shipment of, enter into inventory, tag, and then stock crotchless panties in juvenile sizes….No one at the Greeley Mall seems to think they need to answer to angry parents who find it grossly inappropriate to sell novelty sex items to children.

I am of the opinion that if you are a businessperson attempting to make money by sexualizing and pornifying childhood, you’re going to need to be prepared to answer to very angry parents.

I’ll tell you what I know first, and it is going to differ a little from what you might have already read. Then I’ll tell what I think I know, and then what I’d like to know. Keep in mind, only one media outlet covered this story – reported by Nick McGurk from Denver’s Channel 9. Anything else you have read or seen on ABC’s 20/20 or anywhere else came from Nick’s work, and the eyewitness accounts of two women. Erin French is the name you’ll recognize from the news, the other woman is Debbie. Debbie is the mother of the young girl who was featured in the news story, and who was approached by the male store owner. I worked with Erin and Debbie for three straight days to try to determine who the manufacturer of these panties is, and talked with them about how this has affected their families.

Information I have confirmed:

• Kids N Teen opened in late October/early November and carries a very wide range of children’s apparel, apparently spanning from toddler to teenage years. This is an independent store, not part of a chain, and the two owners seem to be working in the store and do not have employees.
• During the first two weeks of November, Kids N Teen was selling thong and crotchless thong panties.
• The female owner admitted to Debbie that when the crotchless panties arrived at the store she was unsure if she should stock them or not, ultimately deciding to do so.
• The crotchless panties were in the back of the store, displayed in its own section with these items: thong panties, fuzzy animal backpacks, childrens bathrobes, and pint-sized high heels. There was no seperate teen section, despite the store owner telling press the reason she carried the thong underwear was because 25% of her inventory is for teens.  
• On or around November 14th, the Kids N Teen owners were asked by mall management to remove the crotchless panties (but not the thongs) from their shelves. Kids N Teen complied.
• On November 15 I made numerous calls to popular lingerie retailers and was told by all of them that they do not carry crotchless panties, and that I would need to go to a “sex shop” to find an “racy item” like that.
• On November 15 I made numerous attempts to contact both mall management for Greeley Mall and Kids N Teen. My messages were not returned.
• On November 16 when I sent a mom back into Kids N Teen to try to buy a pair of the crotchless panties so that we could determine the manufacturer, she was told the store no longer carried them. When she pressed further to say she knew the store still had to have them on site and she just wanted to see who the manufacturer was, the store owner said she would not reveal her vendor. (I listened to this conversation via cell phone.)
• On November 16 Erin and Debbie contacted the Greeley Police Department asking for their assistance, and expressing their concern of a larger issue at play with this store located directly across the walk-way from the children’s play area. The women were told the police could not do anything and there was no cause for investigation.
• On November 17 when I spoke with the buyer for an adult store and novelty sex shop near my home, she said several things to me that are very important. One: She and her staff would absolutely give me any assistance needed to determine the manufacturer of these panties that very clearly come in extremely small sizes. The idea of child-sized crotchless panties apalled her.  Two: She has a very difficult time finding XSmall-sized lingerie and novelty garments for her own customers, and she felt someone who received very small crotchless panties most likely searched them out, and very intentionally ordered them.  Three: She felt very confident these items came from an overseas vendor, as with all of her years in the business she has never come across an American company making an item like this for the teen or children’s market. 
• The four women involved in this story – Erin, Debbie, the adult store manager, and myself all admitted to each other coming to the same feeling independent of each other: This story stinks of child prostitution.

Let me be clear – at this point in time the only thing I think the Kids N Teen owners are guilty of is a grossly negligent and irresponsible decision to carry very racy thong and crotchless panties in an apparel store for children.

Let me be clear – as a former criminal investigator, when I was told all of the little pieces of this story that on their own don’t make a lot of sense, but when put together create a shady picture, my intuition tells me this story stinks of something bigger than a couple of racy panties hanging in a store in a dying shopping mall.

Other pieces of information, unconfirmed:

• During the original shopping trip that Erin and Debbie were on when they filmed the crotchless panties, Debbie said that the middle-aged male store owner saw her seven year old daugther Paige looking at the display of thongs, told her the price fo the garment, and asked is she liked them and wanted a pair.
• The owners of Kids N Teen own several other retail locations in the mall. The mall is struggling financially.
• There were many questions from our Facebook Parent Community as to whether or not the store owners were foreign, maybe explaining a cultural difference in views on the panties. Because I have not spoken directly to the store owners, I will not comment further on this. I will say that I think crotchless panties have a rather universal understanding as to their purpose and use.
• After an extensive internet search, I could not find crotchless panties that matched what Erin and Debbie showed us in the video made on their cell phone. I am at a dead end for determining who the manufacturer of the panties is.
• The Kids N Teen owner claims she ordered the thongs for her store, but the crotchless panties were a free gift from her vendor. The adult store manager said she thought is was highly unlikely, as a new shop that only dedicates 25% inventory to teen apparel would not have placed a large enough wholesale order to earn an assortment of free lingerie. She also was highly suspect of all of the ”free lingerie” being in such very small sizes.

So it is a great mystery, how these child-sized crotchless panties arrived at this children’s apparel store and who is responsible for making these in child sizes to begin with. But is there mystery in why the Kids N Teen owner decided to sell them? And the more important question, why did she think they would sell? When “family-friendly” department stores have been carrying panties in the junior’s section for years with highly sexually-suggestive slogans….how many steps away were we from selling actually novelty sex items to girls? When we will say NO MORE to retailers meeting their bottom line by sexualizating and pornifying our daughter’s girlhood? When will enough be enough?

Yeah, you read that correctly. They really exist. 

I know, my head exploded, too. If ever three words did not belong together, they would be it.

Here’s the back story, in case you haven’t heard: A new store named Kids N Teen opened a couple of weeks ago in the Greeley Mall in Colorado. A mom and her 7 year old daughter were shopping there when they came upon crotchless and thong panties, in children’s sizes. Nick McGurk from Channel 9 has a great report here.

We’re going to hear directly from the mom and her little girl in a bit, specifically about the moment when one of the store owners, a man around 40 years old, told the 7 year old girl the price of the crotchless panties and asked if she wanted a pair. Yes, you read that correctly. I know, my head exploded, too.

I was told about two conversations had by two different people with one of the owners of the shop, who justified the selling of crotchless panties in children’s sizes with this:

1. Approximately 25% of their inventory is dedicated to teens.

2. Parents take their teens shopping at Victoria’s Secret, and Victoria’s Secret carries them.

Putting aside the argument that crotchless panties are not appropriate for teens shopping at Kids N Teen, and the small detail that the legal age for consent is 18 years old….I wanted to check up on the Victoria’s Secret claim, because crotchless panties are usually considered an adult bedroom novelty and NOT sold at places like Victoria’s Secret. They are sold in sex shops. And, apparently, Kids N Teen.

So I called my local Victoria’s Secret — nope, they do not carry crotchless panties and never have.

Next I called the Victoria’s Secret in the Greeley Mall, just down the way from Kids N Teen. (Also, I told a little white lie…)

Victoria’s Secret salesperson: “Hello, Victoria’s Secret. Can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, I have a bachelorette party this weekend, and I’m in charge of buying the bride some racy panties. Do you carry anything like, um, crotchless panties?”

VS: “No. We don’t carry items like that. We have lingerie and thongs, but those are usually found at a place like Spencer’s Gifts, or maybe like a novelty shop. Usually the really racy things like crotchless panties or edible panties are at the novelty shops.”

Me: “Oh, I see. ‘Novelty shop’, do you mean like a sex shop? But nowhere in the mall would carrystuff like that?”

VS: “No, probably not. Usually you have to go to a novelty shop for those kind of racier items.”

Me: “Huh. Okay, this is the weirdest phone call I’ve ever made. Thanks so much for your help.”

I’m not really in the market for crotchless panties, but now I know I can get them at sex shops. Or, Kids N Teen, right across from the toddler play space, if I live in Greeley Colorado.

I am sending someone to the store today to confirm the crotchless panties are gone. I hear they are still selling the thongs. They are hanging next to the animal-print strappy heels in children’s sizes, and the slinky bathrobes.

If the owners of Kids N Teen ever answer their phone, I’ve got a list of questions for them, including who manufactures kiddie crotchless panties, why Kids N Teen purchased and stocked them, and why Kids N Teen is attempting to sell them to minors.

I’m going to go scrub my eyeballs now.

I love my job and the conversations that I get to have with parents every day and the emails or Facebook comments I receive thanking me for changing the way they see their girls and the marketplace. That’s what media literacy is all about — getting people to see the previously unseen. Once your eyes are open to it, you can’t unsee it.

We don’t need to agree with each other all of the time, and I think it is better when we don’t, because our discussions make everybody stretch and think a little bit harder. I learn from you guys every day, and I hope that you are learning from me. A group this large….there is no way all of us will see one thing the same way all of the time.  And that’s okay, as long as we treat each other with respect.

Of course, there are those that aren’t learning or seeing the Big Picture, and maybe never will. And that’s when we play Media Literacy Bingo! I realize that a lot of times, my blog or Facebook posts are preaching to the choir. We are a smart group already in tune to the dangers of childhood sexualization, objectification and sexualization in the media, and the limitations of gender stereotypes in childhood.

We are the front line of an army working for social justice for our children. Right now it is an uphill batte, but a fight worth taking to the streets. Am I overreacting? The vast majority of our daughters do not like their bodies, depression and Eating Disorders are sky rocketing, sexualized women’s bodies can be seen everywhere (including G-rated kids media and toys) in our culture, our sons have their own host of issues, 1/5 of kids are having sex before fourteen years of age, and 1 in 4 teens will suffer from dating violence (and maybe fall into the 1 in 6 women who will survive rape or attempted rape).

Crying yet? Ready to fight? I sure am. As Megan Mascorro-Jackson said so eloquently: Large injustices are allowed because small injustices have become commonplace.

Though it was suggested to me yesterday by some commenters, I’m not sure I can cure malaria, fix job inequality, or single-handedly stop sex traffiking…although those are all important issues. I think I can do what I do best, and that is awaken a consciousness among parents, continue to be a resource to those that need it, and walk the walk by putting better products on the marketplace.

This I know for sure: When we know better, we can do better.

Now – let’s play some Media Literacy Bingo!!

Everyone please take a card, and let’s play with just the comments I received yesterday…..I want you to see this, not to make fun of people, but to see the kind of push back we get when we talk about these issues so that when you are discussing them with friends and family, you don’t take things personally or get discouraged. I have received comments identical to the ones below on a dozen other posts. They are repetitive on this blog and others that tackle these issues. I want you to see it as a pattern of comments made to those of us that ask people to see things differently, to see the Big Picture of what is happening to childhood and to women in the media.  

1. “If you want your daughter to be a stuck up, lazy, unfashionable, feminist, you’re on the right track sweetie.”

2. “I think you need to find something to do Melissa. I’m glad I dont sit around trying to run the world and tell people what they should and shouln’t do.”

3. “What you are apparently disturbed by is called fetishism, or sexualization of something not normally associated with sex…That’s your dirty mind, not mine.”

4. “I think you’re looking a bit too hard for something to offend you.”

5. “Women are facing any number of difficult struggles for equality that get marginalized because folks like you get their dander up over minutia such as this.”

6. “I stand by the terming of this as “minutia,” not worthy of the attention of an intelligent, educated woman. Tempest in a teapot.”

7. “Sorry Melissa, but I’m more offended by your offense to this ad than anything else.” 

8. “My advice, either crawl back under your 1950′s circa rock or try and deal with the changing times and media.”

9. “Melissa has every right to express her outrage. And to damage the efficacy of the women’s rights movement and  decrease attention for the REAL issues, such as income and job inequality.”

10. “You’re the one with the dirty mind and the free times.”

11. “Women like you make all of us look bad at some point.”

12. “Dear Melissa, I’m sorry that you are a bored housewife who can’t take a little fun.”

13. “Please start reading into our current issues of America like the Wall Street protests, the national debt, the potential candidates for president, or even the funding needed for a malaria vaccine.”

14. “To call it sexulized or even mildly pornographic is taking things to an extreme of feminazi’ism that is just rediculous.”

15. “Find something real to be upset about.”

16. “You’re what we call a “pre-angry”. Always prepared to get into a fight about any little thing.

17. “You need a hobby.”

18. Can you fill in the blank for a Free Space from something said you?

Anybody get a Bingo?

A huge thank you to Lisa Ray of Parents for Ethical Marketing for creating and sharing with us this Bingo card.

What I remember about Halloween as a kid is the task of finding an awesome costume made from stuff around the house, trick-or-treating with my little brothers, and then coming home to watch our dad eat our chocolate bars while he ‘looked for pins and razor blades’. I would then go inventory the rest of my candy and then twitch in my bed while the sugar wore off and sleep set in.

But I don’t remember ever buying a Halloween costume, and I certainly don’t remember asking my mom to sex it up a bit. I don’t think I really put together the whole concept of sexy until 10th grade or so.

Now I am raising my own daugther, there is simply NO WAY that I am letting Smalls traipse around my neighborhood in something that sexualizes her and sends the message to those that view her that very young girls can be seen as sexy. I find that an extremely dangerous thing to do, in fact. My daughter isn’t sexy. She’s five. 

Last week she wanted to be Superhero Kitty Litter, this week she wants to be the Headless Horseman. She has no concept of “sexy”, and I am proud of the fact that she is five going on six, not five going on sixteen. Whatever costume we settle on, we will be sexy-free as we walk around the neighborhood begging for candy from the neighbors.

Let’s take a look at how much things have changed from when I was a girl, to now….and what I would find if I decided to sell my soul and buy her a French-maid-formula Halloween costume from one of the porny Halloween shops temporarily inhabiting the strip mall on Main Street…

Me, 4yo Red Riding Hood in 1981.

2011 Red Riding Hood costume, available in Child Small.

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me, 8yo Japanese Girl in 1986

2011 Geisha costume for tween sized child.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me on far left, 12yo Native American Girl in 1989.

 

2011 Native American costume in tween sizes.

 

Blog author Melissa Wardy, circa 1981.

That is me, to the left, as a four year old in 1981. I’ll give you a minute to take in my hair.

I am, very obviously, quite awesome in my Wonder Woman costume.

Know what I am not? Sexy. At four years old, I was not sexy. There is nothing sexy about a four year old. Any four year old. EVER.

My parents knew this, which is why I was very appropriately dressed for a chilly night of trick-or-treating in the Pittsburgh suburbs with a turtleneck, warm tights under my 80′s track shorts, and high top sneakers. I am the four year old version of Wonder Woman, a homemade costume thanks to my very creative mother (who would have just given birth to her third child in 4 years).

I always wore homemade Halloween costumes, right up until 6th grade when I was a gypsy fortune teller and enjoyed my last year of trick-or-treating. My mother wasn’t a seamstress, she just expected us to be creative and thrifty. When I worked as a nanny in college, we largely pieced together the kid’s costumes from stuff we had at home.

Then something happened, and I can’t quite put my finger on how or why, but Halloween became porny.

In these parts, starting mid-August, the Halloween super-stores move into vacant retail space with a short term lease and a truck load of cheaply-made costumes fresh off the Chinese shipping container, all of which resemble porny versions of character xyz in what is essentially a repackaged French maid uniform. If you cut out the busty, leggy models wearing the costumes and stacked the photos on top of each other, they would all look the same. The formula is so predictable, it is boring: tight lace-up bodice revealing a lot of boob, short petti-coat skirt, knee high socks or a pair of fishnets and tall boots. Throw in a lollipop and pair of roller skates and you’ve got a 70′s adult film.

Actually, the whole pornography tie-in isn’t all that far off. In my local Halloween super store, my kids call it the Goody Bloody Store, almost all of the costumes they carry are by a company called Leg Avenue. On the website the costumes look very pretty….in the store they looked thin and cheap. Leg Avenue also makes lingerie, burlesque show wear, club wear, and pasties. Some of their stuff is tasteful – very sexy and very adult. As a sex positive adult, I can appreciate that. But it just seems odd to me that I can go from the page selling pasties and burlesque booty shorts and in three clicks be on Cutie Bug or Beautiful Butterfly costume, size Child Small. My real problem with the costumes is that the evolution of a child’s costume to teen costume to adult costume isn’t that far off from each other. They all fit the French maid costume equation, and the youth costumes carry culturally coded wardrobe components that, in the past, had been signals for adult sex work: fishnets, lace up bodices, bustiers, high heeled knee-high boots, knee socks and bare upper thighs, booty shorts, etc.

Somewhere along the line, Halloween stopped being about scariness and fantasy, and became a holiday of packaged sex. When every store you go in to is carrying these sexy children’s costumes, and has been for years, it stops being a one-season market fluke, and becomes a reflection of our culture. What the market bears is a litmus test of our society.

What the Halloween market (and girls’ toy market and tween clothing market and ex-Disney-star media market) has proven is that culturally we seem to have no problem with our girls becoming sexually objectified, and that no age is too young for this. How the heads of parents are not exploding nationwide is beyond me. Our young daughters are being encouraged to trick-or-treat in costumes that make them look like the girl who shows up to a bachelor party carrying her own boom box and a pair of handcuffs.

But the market bears it, because collectively we buy it. For those of us not buying it, too few of us are speaking up against it. The children aren’t to blame, they don’t know better, and they naturally want to be/feel/appear grown up. How many parents are taking the time to go up to the store manager and express their disappointment over the sexy costumes choices offered, and make the point that their money will be spent elsewhere? How many parents are organizing costume exchange parties, or setting up clothing swap tables in someones driveway to piece together creative, homemade costumes? How many parents are calling school, expressing concern that on Halloween dress up day, the 5th grade girls were dressed as Little Lolitas while the boys had costumes that kept them fully covered? How many parents have given up on creativity and are buying the Rainbow Cutie costume for $26.99? How many girls are getting the message to project their sexuality as a display for others, rather than a feeling and experience inside?

Going one step further, what message does it send to the men and boys who view our daughters? When we allow them to dress at young ages in this highly sexualized way, we not only support an industry that thrives on sexually objectifying women, we are reinforcing the sexist views some men/boys may hold and the notion that females are just sexual playthings. What message do we send to predators who are already viewing our young daughters as sex objects? We are telling them that their sexual feelings towards children are not all that taboo, that as parents we are allowing that bar to slide. Parents who buy these costumes and allow their children to wear them, especially in public, reinforce the notion that it is not taboo to have sexual fantasy touch the life of a child. Children as sexual playthings is a taboo that must stay firmly in place.

So while I roll my eyes at the predictability of all of these sexy Halloween costumes reflecting the very male San Fernando Valley porny gaze, I also get a chill down my spine because of the lack of outrage from parents. Just as 1973 Deep Throat pornography star Linda Lovelace foresaw, pornography has indeed become mainstream, and it is now available in children’s sizes. That? Is terrifying to me.

Kids Police Officer costume.

Adult Police costume.

Child's Lion costume.

Adult Wild Kitty costume.

Pigtail Pals has been working since May of 2009 to change the way people think about girls. We have put more positive images and apparel on the market for girls. We have written hundreds of blog posts educating parents about gender stereotypes in children’s products and media, early sexualization in childhood, and body image in young girls. But are we making a dent?

I just found this magazine page (Parents) from June 2007. My mom sent it to me, with a sticky note, saying “You need to do your tshirt idea, look how bad these dolls are!”

What is your version of girlhood? I know mine.

This image was from 2007. Things have gotten worse since then. I’ll spare you the gory statistics for another post with regard to the harms of sexualization, the epidemic of poor body image in girls, and the dollars these marketers are earning off of our girls.

Right now, I want to hear from you….What issues are you concerned about or confused about or need more info on when it comes to raising a confident, healthy daughter? We have several thousand new readers to the blog, so I want to be giving you the best information, and information you need. We need to work together to save girlhood.

Let me hear what  you need.